To be fed up of DP attitude to sex

[FrostyTheNoMan]

NC

Looking for the Mumsnet view!

DP and I usually have a very happy, healthy relationship. There is just one thing that seriously bothers me and that is how he reacts when I say "no" to sex.

Usually he initiates sex (but I do too) and we have it at least every two weeks which I am fine with.

However he initiates a lot more than that and sometimes I say no. He doesn't get arsey as such but he will make a snide comment or two which just pisses me off. Tonight it has happened again and we've ended up having a huge row.

We went on a date night and DP's Mum took care of kids (DD 4 and DS 7mo). First date night in a year and had a lovely time. Over dinner it got very lovey dovey and he said at one point "I can't wait to get you home and take that dress off you". I just said "aw" or something- I wasn't against idea at the time at all but I didn't say YES DO IT either.

We come home and have a nice kiss at front door before we go in. DP mum promptly tells us that DS has cried nearly the whole time we were out and has only just got back to sleep. Within 5 mins of arriving, DS has woken up again and I need to comfort and feed him. This clearly stresses me out a bit, not great to hear.
When DS was settled, I was in bedroom getting changed out of my dress and in my pyjamas. DP comes in and says "what are you doing?" All outraged. I told him I was getting changed, I was uncomfortable in the dress. He then goes on to say "we had a lovely night, first date night in a while and I wanted to end it perfectly. But no, clearly we can't"

I said that he can't guilt trip me into sex. I was uncomfortable in outfit and wanted to get changed. He started going on and on about how he thought I wanted to have sex and that after putting baby down I would be ready.... he then said "i must have misread signals"

This made me explode. I said what fucking signals? I kissed you at the door. That doesn't mean we are definitely having sex and even if it did I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY FUCKING POINT.

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation?

He was really insulted at this. All he said though was "you're my fucking fiancé" as if that changes anything.

He stormed off and has gone to sleep without saying a word. I'm fuming with his toxic behaviour which he can't even see and he seems to be fuming with me for calling him out on it.

As a bit of back story...I was seriously sexually assaulted as a teen. He knows this. I have a strong stance on boundaries and a woman's right to say no and a man's obligation to listen. As should fucking every one. he has been so supportive historically of how I deal with this trauma. Is it making me oversensitive though?

I feel at a loss of how to communicate to him on this topic because he clearly doesn't think he's in the wrong about being upset when I "reject" him. He's perfect in every other way, loving, kind, thoughtful. I love him and want him to understand where I'm coming from.

What do I do? AIBU? Is he being a huge dick?

@Incrediblytired

Eurgh, why do men think you can go from mummy to filthy sex goddess in 3 seconds?

I think they actually don’t get it but I wish they did.

Yes agreed. Maybe they are wired differently? They seem able to compartmentalise. My DH has settled a crying baby, got him or her to sleep and then come back to bed all frisky. Whereas for me, settling a crying baby has opposite effect. Any sexy feeling I might have had before, evaporates and it’s not going to reappear that night at all.

If it helps OP, many yers ago I was in.your DPs situation. I had a partner with lower sex drive than me . When we would have date nights, if things got a bit flirty I would get hopeful of sex. Mainly because I craved the closeness. Then we’d get home and he’d be straight on his computer looking at a spreadsheet! And yes sometimes I would huff and behave badly, not cos I was trying to guilt him on thought that he “ owed” me sex, but because. I was disappointed, feeling rejected and a little bit foolish.
Now I am not saying looking after your baby is like looking at a spreadsheet ! But do you see what I mean? He thought something was going to happen and was just venting when he realised. And yes your comment was hurtful but it sounds like you had your reasons too. So talk to him tell him you love him and fancy him, and put it behind you.

He's basically trying to coerce and manipulate you into sex by sulking and acting like a dick when you say no. His comment basically says it all, you're his fiancee so obviously you should have sex with him whenever he wants. Don't see how this can be a healthy relationship

@Marmitecrackers

*Tbh I’d be pretty gutted too if I’d had a lovely date night with my husband and it didn’t end in sex*

As would I actually. Obviously you have the right to say no but I do think it's sad that the effort isn't always made.

the effort is made. We don't have zero sex. Sometimes I initiate it. Sometimes he does. Sometimes it's once in two weeks, sometimes it's every other day.

I might have sex with him last night after I got into my PJs if he didn't behave like an idiot.

The baby thing did kill the mood for me and part of me thought "ah fuck I'm in for a long night"
You’re not alone. This is perfectly normal. I’d give my husband a look and a shrug and say, sorry can’t even think of sex now. Hope we have better luck next time. Sometimes he’d vent a bit, say what a pity etc. But I just let him. Some people are quiet when disappointed, others are more verbal. My youngest takes after my DH by being verbal. If she’s unhappy, she makes sure the world knows her displeasure at the circumstances. But that doesn’t excuse what he said to you, even if he’s verbal , in future he needs to vent his disappointment in a way that is not by attacking you and blaming you for a detailed evening.

*derailed not detailed.

Why was he angry you changed your dress? Did he want you to keep it on whilst you had sex? Some of the responses on here are insane, you don’t owe someone sex because you had a nice time at dinner.

OP, I went through something similar with my DH. He is definitely BU and you need to sit down and have a serious chat. Probably he feels rejected and unwanted - you have to explain to him that it's not about him, but with young kids it's normal for women to want less sex.

A few things helped my DH understand that he can't pressure me, that it's not ok and that it reduces my desire for sex with him. Firstly I explained that if I can't feel I can say no, then I can't ever really say yes either. For yes to have any meaning, no has to be a possibility too. Secondly I explained that I have had sex with him when I didn't feel like it in the past and it has fucked with my head and made me want less sex in the future. Pressure, emotional blackmail and coercion is not sexy.

Children paradoxically come from sex but make you feel less like sex. They interrupt sleep, and they make you feel a bit "touched out" when breastfeeding. As a new mother I felt always that someone wanted a piece of me, that my body was public property, and often I just wanted to be left alone for a while! These are normal emotions. But then again your DH's feeling of wanting intimacy is also normal too. You have to talk to him and explain that this dynamic you're experiencing is normal and that it's not at all about him, so he doesn't feel rejected. But he absolutely has to understand that treating you as if you have no right to refuse sex is not ok, it is also a major turn-off and could very well undermine not only your sex life but your entire relationship.

I thought the “you’re my fucking fiancé” comment which was a response to the accusation of him being a rapist or intent on rape was more of a way of saying you know by now I’m not a rapist and I’m not going to rape you or anyone because you would never agree to marry a rapist.
I didn’t read it as he feels entitled to sex because they’re engaged.
Only he knows what he meant and I think OP knows best which he probably meant of the two, or even if he meant something else by it.

Just Incase it isn’t Cristal clear
Girls
Just because you are in a relationship,or married
YOU DO NOT OWE HIM SEX
Not ever
Not for any reason
Your body is your own ,even when married ,
And if the man tries to pressure you in any way ,even making you feel guilty,it is HIS PROBLEM....NEVER yours

Some of the posts on here are shocking apologists

Having sex only every two weeks and having a go at your partner simply because he was just enjoying being a couple on a rare night out and looking forward to a continuing a romantic evening with sex ring alarms bells...

Do you want him to see you as a lover or just as a friend/mother if his kids? put yourself in his place and how would you feel being rejected?

I really don't think he is being unreasonable and the current dynamic does not bode well long term.

I would suggest you seek some support to deal with the issues that you are still facing after that awful experience as a teen before it poisons your current relationship further.

@MrsGrindah

If it helps OP, many yers ago I was in.your DPs situation. I had a partner with lower sex drive than me . When we would have date nights, if things got a bit flirty I would get hopeful of sex. Mainly because I craved the closeness. Then we’d get home and he’d be straight on his computer looking at a spreadsheet! And yes sometimes I would huff and behave badly, not cos I was trying to guilt him on thought that he “ owed” me sex, but because. I was disappointed, feeling rejected and a little bit foolish. Now I am not saying looking after your baby is like looking at a spreadsheet ! But do you see what I mean? He thought something was going to happen and was just venting when he realised. And yes your comment was hurtful but it sounds like you had your reasons too. So talk to him tell him you love him and fancy him, and put it behind you.

I think this is how he sees it in his head.

But I don't think we have mismatched sex drives. He's not harassing me constantly for it and it's not like I'm never interested.

I think our sex life is pretty normal for a couple who have two kids, one of which is a baby that doesn't sleep. He would like it more and do would I but life gets in the way and we are both bloody tired. Last night would have been great but he took me getting changed as a signal it was off the table and acted immaturely and it pissed me right off.

He is a very loving soppy person - it's never a "quick shag or fuck" to get his kicks - it's all making love and emotional for him. It's a deep thing for him, I don't know if this explains his reaction a bit more or not.... I'm just trying to explain the man isn't a sex obsessed pest.

Every 2 weeks though? Maybe you need to consider why you are wanting such infrequent sex as well? As a woman that would be totally insufficient to meet my own needs. Are you using hormone based contraception? It might be time for a change if so.

This is actually pretty normal for a couple with young children, please don't make OP feel bad about her sex drive. If she is breastfeeding too that kills sex drive for a lot of women. Definitely did for me.

I think you said an awful thing about him eluding to how he would treat a woman in a short skirt.

If he's that type of man and you really think he is then leave him now

If not then sort it out, whilst guilt tripping you isn't acceptable behaviour neither was yours.

@Requinblanc

Would you blame him if he went and found it somewhere else out of interest? Haha. What rubbish. As if women don't have enough to deal with than be concerned with that bullshit.

I am not poisoning our relationship, the man acted a fool.

@ivykaty44

I think you said an awful thing about him eluding to how he would treat a woman in a short skirt.

If he's that type of man and you really think he is then leave him now

If not then sort it out, whilst guilt tripping you isn't acceptable behaviour neither was yours.

I don't think that, read the thread and my PPs

@Pringlemonster

Just Incase it isn’t Cristal clear Girls Just because you are in a relationship,or married YOU DO NOT OWE HIM SEX Not ever Not for any reason Your body is your own ,even when married , And if the man tries to pressure you in any way ,even making you feel guilty,it is HIS PROBLEM....NEVER yours

Some of the posts on here are shocking apologists

Yes!!

@Requinblanc what total nonsense.

Women, especially women with small children, don't always feel like sex. If this is the case it is their DP's job not to behave like another small child and throw a tantrum. He can go crack one off in the shower, it's really not that difficult.

YANBU. That behaviour isn't right. People are jumping on your reaction but it was just an ill judged comment in response to mean behaviour. I get why you reacted that way. It is not the first time and he just doesn't seem to respect it.

He did act a fool and that is honestly what caused you to snap back. Im hoping he’s apologised OP?

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

I wouldn't call his behaviour "toxic".

A long-awaited, rare, date night is a different thing to your average rainy Monday night. Perhaps he could have handled it better, perhaps you could have.

At least you two still want to have sex with each other, and he's not regularly demanding instant sex. Let's take that as a positive, and see if you can sit down and have a chat and explain your feelings from both sides.

It's made things uncomfortable between you now Op but at least you've established to him that date night doesn't automatically mean sex afterwards. That doesn't mean you don't love him or find him attractive.

I'd find it a real turn off if sex was expected every time we had a night out.

I'm not sure how where it's posted makes a difference. Don't most people just go through the Trending Now section? I don't think anyone actually goes into the individual sections.

I'm going to go against the tide here and say I really don't think your comparison is unfair. I really don't. It started around your dress. He was saying how he can't wait to get it off you, and when you put pajamas on he knew what that symbolised. The fact is, the outfit is pivotal to the entire story. So I honestly don't think you made an unfair comment at all about the miniskirt. Also, he thinks because you kissed him he gets sex. He knew what the pajamas meant. It's all interlinked. Subconsciously at least.

I think he has an emotionally abusive approach to sex. Seriously, if you were in the mood when changing into your pajamas, his obnoxious attitude sure turned you off. He needs to be told you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. His outrage would have had me saying, now you won't get it at all, ever again, until you apologise for your attitude. His attitude is selfish, cruel and abusive and yes, I believe bordering on predatory. Especially since he knows what happened to you. Like fuck should you apologise for anything, he is the one who owes you a massive apology, and I would sit him down and make sure he knows your relationship is at stake unless he seriously changes.

Why didn't he see to the baby?