Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

Can I make a few suggestions?

1. Don't leave a letter. Write it once you're out and safe. Then you can email it to him or perhaps have someone deliver it to your home. The letter is not a priority and you will be losing vital headspace trying to work out what to put in the letter. The priority is getting you and your daughter to safety.
2. Similarly - park the decision about whether or not to answer calls from him. Again, this is something you can decide later and a distraction from the priority of getting you and your daughter away. His reactions are likely to be abusive in some way - either threatening and/or suddenly acting all sweetness and light in order to lure you back. He almost certainly won't admit to abusing you or behave in a way which makes things easy for you. Once you are safe, you can decide whether or not you are willing to speak to him.
3. You are escaping a domestic abuse situation so the normal lockdown rules do not apply. If it were not for the lockdown, do you have one or two friends or relatives (including, ideally, at least one large male) who would be willing to come round and be there as you leave in case he turns up? If so, I suggest that you ring the police and explain to the police what is going on and that you have one or two people coming to help you and your daughter escape to safety. I suspect the police will confirm you can go ahead. Or they may offer to come themselves.

Hope that helps. Good luck and keep posting here for support.

Thank you Dery, that’s really helpful. I’ve seen lots of your replies to people and they always make such sense Theres no way I could get everything out without help, my DD def needs to have her belongings if possible, so I have a couple of people who are going to come help me on the day. No big men, but couple of strong women. I do wonder if a man would make him more confrontational as well. And getting the police involved. I know that I need to stop deciding on actions based on his reaction but it’s a hard habit to break after 22 years. And I do desperately want to minimise confrontation if I can.

I guess I’m still struggling with how cruel disappearing seems, but as I keep telling DD we feel bad because we are good people. The alternative is to stay and not have any freedom and sacrifice our happiness to pacify him.

I have no advice but could not read and run

I think your very brave and an amazing mother, I hope all this works out for you and your DD and you can both finally be free and happy xx

Dear OP - you're very welcome and thank you very much for your kind words. And yes, good point: having a man there may make him more confrontational. The key thing is that you will have some people on hand to help you move and that will also make it harder for him to scupper your plans if he does return unexpectedly.

As Aimzxo says - what you're doing is so brave and such a fabulous thing to do for you and your daughter. I do see how disappearing seems cruel to you. You've been a kind and loving partner and this seems like an unkind thing to do. But it really is not - or rather, you and your daughter need the kindness of getting away far more than your partner needs the kindness of an explanation. Furthermore, domestic abuse is a crime and you are escaping a crime scene. You wouldn't normally take time to write and leave a note when fleeing a crime scene... And if it seems right to you to do so, you can always explain subsequently - but only do it once you are safely away and have the headspace to think about it without doing so jeopardising other things which you need to do and which are much more important.

Good luck and keep posting here for support.

Good luck OP, you can do this! Go and enjoy your new and happy life with your DD

I just want to offer support

I left my abuser in March and I've been so happy ever since!

I’ve no advice, but wish you and your DD all the luck in the world 💐

Please do not feel you are being cruel - you are doing what has to be done, for you and for your child.

I absolutely agree about not writing a letter; you have more than enough to consider. I am guessing that the desire to write him a letter is connected with feeling guilty about the idea you are being cruel. Put it aside.

You are a brave lady - do not falter at the 11th hour. Look ahead and build a new life for yourselves.

I’ve no real advise but I wish you and you DD the very best.

I admire you so much. Keep being brave, be careful who you trust so that he doesn’t find you. You sound a good person, and as such, leave that note explaining why you’re doing what you’re doing. Then you have a clear conscience

You can send the note later - by email or post or have someone hand deliver it. I really don't think you should waste headspace on it now. Failure to leave a note has no bearing on whether or not you're a good person. Your priority is to get you and your DD out of the abusive situation which you are currently in. The note isn't going to somehow make your H feel okay about it all. He will be angry as hell whether or not you leave a note - he won't want to accept that he was unlivable with even though that's the truth.

Thank you everyone, your support and encouragement really does help. I guess I am just scared of what is to come, but I know that I have to go through with it. Now that I have admitted what is happening, and faced up to how his behaviour affects DD, I can’t live like this anymore. With the move happening next week it’s just that bit harder to concentrate on sorting one thing at a time and thinking about the life we might be able to lead. The fear is what has stopped me from doing anything about it in the past. He will deny it, he will be horrible, he will say I’ve ruined his life and will wreck his financial security. But I know that he has done all these things. We could have had a wonderful life but he just leaves us with this feeling of dread all the time, even if we’re enjoying ourselves we’re always watching to see if something sets him off and everything is ruined.
I will keep reminding myself that I’ve never seen anyone say they wish they hadn’t left and their life is worse for it. Thank you

@ Coco26

It's great that you have a plan and a date for leaving. The people helping you on the day know what's going on and will be very supporting and reassuring.

I'd strongly advise also telling the police that you will be leaving an abusive relationship, and when, so that they have the information. This is just in case he does appear as you are loading your stuff up, they should be quick to react and come to your aid if needed.

You need to try to remember, you and your DD are leaving because of your h's abuse, so try to stop focusing on his feelings, and concentrate on yours!

As @ Dery said, forget about a letter, or how you will let him contact you etc. Focus on the details of packing and leaving etc.

The day you leave, I'd strongly advise immediately blocking him on your phone, and deleting any 'find my phone' or tracking apps too. Also block him on all SM platforms etc. When you are ready, you can get a new email set up, which is only used for contacting him.
That way, you are in control of if and when you have any contact with him.

Remember, the more you can limit his ability to contact you, the better defended you are from his further abuse. You don't have to read his emails if you don't feel ready, and he cannot constantly bombard you with venom and threats.

You will find lots of support on MN and loads of posters will be able to help with the details like money/ benefits, rights, divorce, child access, advice on protecting yourself and your DD etc, all you need to do is ask. .

@Coco26 I left my ex after 30 years, taking our 2 DC with me, because they didn't want to stay with him. He was abusive, mostly to me, but the DC were feeling scared of him.

I planned and left in secret, using rolls of bin bags to chuck our stuff in, in a hurry. I planned it for a day when my DB could help, and hired a van to carry it all to the house I rented. Luckily for me, the work situation at the time meant Ex was out of the house early that day, and not home til evening.

It was scary, yes. My adrenaline was flowing and my stress levels were through the roof. I honestly thought I'd have a heart attack and not be able to complete the move out.

3 years later, we are doing great. We've moved out of the original house I rented, into one that feels more like a home, and is on the flat as my knee didn't handle the hill the other house was on very well. It's much better now, and I'm losing a lot of weight I gained from comfort eating while with him.

I ignored all communication from him for the first few days. Just to get some space and breathe. The DC were well old enough to handle their own contact, but they don't see him now, they don't want to.

He's tried pulling the suicide stunt more than once, and dragged one of our DC into it, and that to me is unforgiveable. He values the public image he thinks he has, not realising people can see right through him. And I believe he's narcissistic, he seems to fit all the traits I've seen mentioned. And of course, he couldn't accept he could be to blame so accused me of having an affair.

So yes, in a nutshell, it really is hard initially, but the pay off, the realisation, that you're free is just so damn worth it. I've just talked about your post with DD, and she reckons the first two weeks were most definitely the hardest of these last 3 years. The only other thing that was hard in this time was my Mum passing away.

I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you everyone. BitOfANameChange thank you for sharing your story, these are the things that keep going round my head. I can't tell you how much hearing your experience helps to keep me focused and calm, it so nice to here that your DC are happy too. DD does not want to keep in contact with him, which makes her sad but is probably for the best.

I'm so sorry that you had to cope with losing your mum at the same time, that must have been so difficult. I am anxious about telling my parents (plan to on Monday), they will be supportive, but i know that they will also be upset and angry and worried for us and I hate that this is going to happen. (this is the first time that i have not said that I am going to 'cause' this, so I think this may be further progress with my mindset.) My DS assures me that it most likely won't come as much of a shock as I think, everyone knows he can be 'difficult'.

I suppose I just can't get my head round not responding to him, when normally I'm on alert to his moods and what he wants to try and stop him going into a mood or making him angry. His temper when he is angry, it is just so terrifying, but I know that we just have to push through this. Thanks for all the support everyone, I can't tell you how much strength it is giving me.

No extra advise but just wanted to wish you good luck. You can do it, this part will the hardest

Hello

I was a DV advisor for many years. You are definitely doing the right thing xxx

Re contact, when I was sitting with newly arrived ladies, we'd literally watch the messages roll in. We used to say it was like watching a tiny little bull raging about in a tiny little pen. He cannot harm you.

You could keep the messages and report them. You could send ONE message only, saying you've left due to his behaviour and that, if he threatens you, you've saved all comms for the police. Then no more messages after that.

I used to find that women were very sad and upset at first, but then absolutely blossomed xxx

I advice but all the very best for next week and i really admire your courage! This time next year...

@Coco26 My ex can be smarmy and polite when he wants to be, he thinks he can charm people. But I've been surprised and reassured by the numbers of people who tell me they don't like him and that they are glad I'm not with him any more. I've had a lot of support.

@something2say I think one of the reasons we are upset and sad at first, is because we need to grieve the relationship we thought we had, the one where we thought we were loved and treasured.

Good advice here OP - don't project - just get out and clear your head. You will be surprised at yourself when you realise that you no longer have to dance to his tune. You will be free 💐

Feeling so wobbly this evening. Have had the week from hell at work which i thought was a good thing time as no time to dwell, but now work is over and the weekend stretches ahead and then moving day will be here. I am so scared that I won’t have the courage to go through with it, but DD would never forgive me. And I wouldn’t either. Part of me is so looking forward to the ability to CHOOSE, doesn’t matter what. Can I be bothered to cook, do I fancy a glass of wine, shall I get new cutlery. The other part is terrified of what is to come, how he will react, will I be one of those 2 women a week? I am so scared of what he is capable of.

Hang on in there, OP. This is probably the scariest part - waiting for your chance to escape. Try and act as normal as you can in the meantime to avoid your partner suspecting your plans. He may become more dangerous if he thinks he is losing control of you.

It's great that you have everything planned. Try to hang on to the thought that in less than a week you and your DD will be out and safe. If you are seriously scared for your safety in the meantime, is there anyone - a friend or relative who could come and stay with you? (Despite lockdown, you are in a DV emergency and different rules apply). Also, have you let the police know what's happening? If not, do you think it might help you to do so? Perhaps you could arrange a code with a few friends and/or relatives - something that looks innocuous but warns them that you are in danger and they need to call the police and/or come to your house to get you. Is there a TV series that you follow? Perhaps you could text the name of that show or sth. Or just something like "How are things?"

Remember that if you need to leave in a hurry - the only things that really matter are you and your daughter. Everything else can be replaced. So if you have to grab her and run, then you should just do that.

Thanks @Dery. i must confess I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine with my dinner this evening and am on my own as DD is at work so I think my biggest fear just came spilling out. I’m not in danger right now, H has no idea as everything is fine at the moment. I’m scared of what danger we will be in after we’ve left. My DS has said she will come and help me get stuff out and stay with me for a few days, she’s not in a lockdown area and I really don’t think I can do this without her so hoping everyone would understand and think this is ok.

I haven’t told police, it’s a scary step and I am worried of antagonising him and if this will make things worse. But I’m also terrified of what he is capable of. Maybe it’s all bravado and he’d never do anything but I just don’t know.

I worry about him coming back whilst we’re packing the cars (he’s been home twice unexpectedly this week, but it is rare) and then I think maybe we shouldn’t take anything and just get out.

Take as much as you can. In my case, I didn't have much money, so I knew I would need what I could take with me. And given that he had made such a to do about the house being his (we weren't married, more fool me), I took everything (well, almost, had to leave a small amount behind) that was mine and the DCs. Including most of the food. I'd bought it after all.

I understand he still snivels about my leaving him to anyone who still listens, but there's very few that would put up with his sour moods.

As for after I left, he bombarded my phone, emailed the DC as well as me, and tried getting answers out of my family. They don't like him, so he got no information. It took a while for things to settle, and now I have zero contact. It's said the best revenge is a life lived well, and I fully intend to do this.

Well I won’t get any emails he’s absolutely useless at technology. It’s him looking for me and being a nuisance to my family I’m worried about. And how to handle phone calls I guess.

22 years makes it so hard to just switch off. I’ve spent that long considering how he will react to things and deciding what to do based on that. Doing something that I know will piss I him off, it feels like a kind of madness.