Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

Of course he knows he was a bully and that you were both scared of him. He wanted that to keep you under his control.

Him telling your dad that you should have told him is just making it all your fault again ... in his head. He can't take any blame for any of this. That is part of his narrative. It's all your fault!

He's being manipulative, trying to get your Dad onside. Ignore. Hopefully your Dad will ignore him too. I don't see why he needs to be having conversations with members of your family, apart from to manipulate and control, and gain sympathy. It would be good if family members could tell him they don't want to discuss it and end the conversations there, rather than engage with him in any way.

Get your mail redirected sharpish
Remove all reasons for him to contact or harass you

He’s finally learnt to use email, I’ve had a short message from him that just says he how much misses me and loves me. I don’t know why but it’s made me feel really sad. I’m having to remind myself that I left the way I did because things are so bad, but I still hate that is he so devastated. I don’t want to go back but things just seem so hard. I’ve been reading the posts and having to remind myself that this is all fairly normal and I’ve got to ride it through.

He’s not devastated. Abusers only do rage, charm and self pity.

This is the self pity. Soon you will get the rage. If you go back to him you will get the charm for a while.

I predict that you will soon get the flying monkeys and a fake health scare.

Of course you feel sad, you didn’t walk away lightly from a long marriage. But he’s had years to change and he didn’t want to. This was the last resort for you, wasn’t it ?

It was the last resort, I didn’t think I would ever leave but I couldn’t stand by and watch the affect his control was having on DD. I didn’t tell him how I felt as I knew that it wouldn’t achieve anything, I’d changed by behaviour years ago to prevent the worst of his behaviour. I’m definitely not going back but I guess I’m scared of the future

As SOOLA says, it's natural to feel sad. You've had a long marriage to this man. You didn't go into marriage planning for it to end in divorce and your decision to leave took great care and thought. And although this man had very serious faults that drove you away, he presumably had some decent characteristics as well. His decent characteristics were outweighed by the abusive behaviour but probably at some level you still care for him somewhat and dislike the idea of causing him pain. That's all natural and it will take a long time to process. And at some level you will probably always feel a bit sad that your marriage ended this way. In a way it's like a bereavement - you get used to the loss but there is always some sadness when you think about it.

So it's entirely natural to feel sad and wobble. And it's so important to keep moving forward and away from this marriage. Life isn't a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot. And now you have given yourself and your daughter the opportunity to live a much freer life. You have been a brave and fabulous mother - fighting like a warrior for your daughter so that she can fulfil her potential. And now you can also fulfil yours.

You have been a brave and fabulous mother - fighting like a warrior for your daughter so that she can fulfil her potential. And now you can also fulfil yours

@Dery is right.

He’s just trying to reel you back, by being manipulative.

Like someone said upthread, he’s trying to make you feel sorry for him and next it will be rage. You really need some support, can you speak to WA and ask about counselling? Look at the freedom programme?

Your parents, need to tell him that they will not discuss you and your daughter with him. He’s trying to make them feel sorry for him and will then use them as flying monkeys.

He most certainly is devastated, he will now have to learn to live without your constant back up. wash his own Y fronts, do his own dinner, clean his own toilet, pay his own bills....
He is in the "poor me" mode.
You have suffered from his bullying & hatred for all these years. he could have appreciated you before !
its the classic cycle of abuse, vile/pushes you to the limit, ....... sorry/--
fake--remorse,
He's trying to get you back in that box

and he will try anything to get you back in that box so he prepared to continue to ignore. Now it's the 'oh woe is me' act and trying to use your parents as flying monkeys. When he realises that will not work, he will try another way probably anger, maybe health issues or suicide threat.

My XH did the 'my love for you transcends the norm' () and then, when I did not respond to that email, screamed in my face that I was a fucking whore and a fucking cunt - unfortunately at that point we still had to have some contact regarding the dcs. He had previously tried the suicide threat. They were all ignored.

I hope you are still doing ok

How are you doing @Coco26? Xx

I sat and read this whole thread last night and this is the first time I've commented on anything here but I couldn't just read and leave. You are SO strong, you filled me with such hope and strength just reading your replies and comments. I hope you're okay and hope you update us with how things are going. I am going through a pretty tough time at home at the minute and maybe one day il have the courage to post about it to get some advice, but until then I hope you know you've helped me so much by sharing your story. You've got this, mama xxxxxxx

Been thinking of you, CoCo..hope you're okay!

A month down the line hope you’re feeling a bit better x

Thank you everyone for all your support on here. I don’t know how I would have managed without it. If you are reading this thread and thinking I will never be able to do that then all I can say is that was once me. I needed a catalyst and that was DD, but even then , even as I was getting in the car to drive away, I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it. It was like I was watching myself and someone else was making me move. I guess that was the only way I could get through.

7 weeks down the line things are a little up and down. Some days are better than others. It is so nice not to be on edge all the time and be relaxed in the day to day living. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the decisions I have to make. I still haven’t contacted a solicitor but I need to do this to work out where I am going to live in the future, I can’t expect my friend to let me stay rent free indefinitely.

I do feel sad and guilty about how things have ended. He hasn’t reacted at all how I had expected. I still haven’t told him why we left and I am putting it off because I am still scared of his reaction, will he change from being apologetic and telling me he will do whatever I want to being angry and vengeful? I guess thats why I am putting off contacting a solicitor as well, he will know I am not going back for definite.

I have lots of support and women’s aid are being great, having them to talk to when I am confused and unsure helps so much.

DD is struggling, she is confused about how she feels and worried about her dad but doesn’t want contact. Not being able to see her friends and stuck at home all the time doesn’t help. It makes you wonder if there was any point, but then we remind ourselves what it was like walking on eggshells all the time and not being able to be ourselves properly.

So it’s still hard but it’s early days and e need to be patient and kind to ourselves. It will be worth it on the end

Hi OP.

I have been following your thread, although I have not posted.

I left my husband in September 2018 and move into a rented flat with my DS (not my husband's son). While I was in the process of moving out and for a few days afterwards I felt elated. It was wonderful to be away from his moods, his sulking and his defensiveness.

After a couple of weeks I felt like I was having a breakdown. I was having panic attacks over whether I had done the right thing in leaving. To cut a long story short I moved back in with him in August 2019.

After we had reconciled I was offered a Housing Association property in my sole name. My husband is an occupier but he is not on the tenancy agreement.

The point of mentioning this is that I have finally realised that I should never have gone back to him. He has not changed at all and now I cannot get him out of my house. We are married and therefore he gets to live there. I could divorce him of course but even then there is no guarantee that I can stay in my house.

So I am stuck now, with him and I can't see any method of getting rid of him unless I leave my home.

You will have days, weeks and months of feeling guilty, missing him, wondering whether you have done the right thing. But I can, with almost 100% certainty, tell you that he will not change. If you go back to him you will come to regret it.

I know how hard this has been and how hard it continues to be but please don't do what I did and go back. Even if he does change things will never be the same between you again.

Take care and good luck for the future.

Dear OP

It's natural that you and your daughter should be experiencing a whole range of feelings from relief to grief. This is bound to continue for some time yet and, even when the dust has settled, you will probably always feel a bit sad when you think about how your marriage came to an end.

You were with your husband for decades and you didn't go into your marriage imagining that it would end the way it has. No doubt your husband had some good qualities which you, and your daughter, may now miss. If he was entirely awful you'd have left much sooner. And you're a kind, loving person - I'm sure you don't want to hurt anyone and you probably have a very strong instinct to go and soothe your XH. But in this case, you can't be the one to do that. In the end your marriage was very damaging for you and your daughter and you needed to get away from it. And a time may well come when your daughter can see her father and start to lay the groundwork for a much healthier relationship than the one which previously existed.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot. You may well live for several more decades but nothing is certain. There was a devastating post on here several months back from a woman in her mid-40s who had finally managed to properly leave the emotionally abusive relationship which she had been in throughout her adult life, only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and not long left to live. She was posting as a warning to other people not to find themselves in her position.

You knew you needed to get out - especially once you saw your daughter being affected. But it is a complicated thing and it's natural you should feel extremely sad about it, as well as relieved. This was a recent event and you're still living in the aftermath. With the passage of time, I'm sure you will find yourself looking forward with excitement at what is to come rather than with grief at what has gone. But no doubt you will need lots of emotional support in the meantime. Hopefully you have people you can talk to IRL and keep posting here also.

Coco, I posted on this thread on the 4th of November after reading your post and being blown away by your courage. In my comment I said I hope that one day I can get balls to do similar. Your post (alongside so many others on here) gave me the push I needed to post on here and get some advice and I left my husband this week. So glad to see you updated as I had wondered if he'd hoovered you back in. Look after yourself xx

@alm23x
Oh my goodness, that’s brilliant news! Well done. What a Christmas you’re going to have! How’s it going?

@alm23x well done! Hope you are doing ok. Some days are better than others but you’re doing the right thing. Good luck

Thanks xx this week has been the hardest of my life for sure. We can do this @coco26 ... In 2 years time we are going to be in such a different happier place Xxx

You brave woman
This is the scariest thing ever
It’s natural to feel scared
I haven’t read the whole thread but be ready to call police , maybe even inform them
Good luck my dear

@alm23x hang in there. Sometimes I forget what it was like to live on eggshells all the time and wonder if this is worse, but when I think about it it doesn’t take long to remember why we felt we had to leave like we did. We’ve got lots of support (but covid means it’s not in person which makes it hard) and when I’m struggling I give someone a call. I hope you’ve got some support too, but women’s aid and my GP have also been brilliant so you shouldn’t hesitate to get professional support if you need it.

He’s emailed asking me to meet him today (definitely not going to) but I am going to arrange to talk to him on the phone this week. I need to get talking to him for the first time over with because it’s taking up too much space in my head, and I need to start sorting things so I can start planning for the future and my life to really start again