Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

[quote Coco26]@alm23x hang in there. Sometimes I forget what it was like to live on eggshells all the time and wonder if this is worse, but when I think about it it doesn’t take long to remember why we felt we had to leave like we did. We’ve got lots of support (but covid means it’s not in person which makes it hard) and when I’m struggling I give someone a call. I hope you’ve got some support too, but women’s aid and my GP have also been brilliant so you shouldn’t hesitate to get professional support if you need it.

He’s emailed asking me to meet him today (definitely not going to) but I am going to arrange to talk to him on the phone this week. I need to get talking to him for the first time over with because it’s taking up too much space in my head, and I need to start sorting things so I can start planning for the future and my life to really start again[/quote]
I hope you find a way to avoid giving him your phone number, because otherwise he could start calling you whenever he feels like it. Maybe you call him (from a blocked number), or maybe you use something like Zoom in audio mode if he already has an email anyway?

I’ve blocked him on my phone so he can’t call or text me. No idea if he has stopped trying as I haven’t checked my voicemail since I left.

That was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had. There were no accusations only apologies, promises that things would be different if I have it one last chance. Isn’t denying the control but says I never needed to be scared that he would never hurt me. I wish I could believe it would be different, it would be so much easier to be able to go back home

Well done you for bravely having the conversation.

But he has hurt you and your daughter - his emotional and controlling behaviour did damage you both. He might be contrite, they are more likely just words to reel you back but either way he can’t undo the past behaviour you endured. Please stay strong and life away from him will get better. 💐

If he truly means it, he will give you the space for at least a year and after a year you will think again. My guess is that that is not the answer he wants and all the answer you need.

Do stay strong and please do not give up and listen to his sweet words. If you go back it will be harder to leave a second time. Think of your daughter. What a wonerful mum you are having taken the decision to leave. You have set her a fantastic example of a life lesson. Hopefully, she will have learnt to always value and take care of herself and be a confident young woman with a whole world of opportunities waiting for her in the future. You have done the hardest bit. You left and he will not like losing control. He will say anything to entice you back. My own daughter took the very same steps you have 2 years ago and I am so proud of her. It hasnt been easy for her and i wont pretend it will be for you either. However, when I see how happy and relaxed she and my grandchildren are i know it was worth it. I only tell you this so you know that you can make a success of it. Please, please stay strong. For both yourself and your daughter. I dont even know you but feel so proud of you. I really do wish you all the happiness you deserve . Things will only get better. Sending you the biggest hug I can.

Please don’t go back to him he would be even worse he’ll try and make sure this time you never get opportunity to leave again , do not look back x

Hello lovely OP,

I have just discovered this tread tonight and followed all posts wishing for you both to get out safe and so so so pleased that you did.

Its so easy to look back and remember all the good things about a person or relationship but whenever you have the slightest thought of a possible reconciliation please do remember all those many many bad times. Please remember the effect it has had on your DD and the drive for you leaving. Freedom and better life for both of you without loving in fear and worry. Look at what this man has done to you. He is to blame for all of this. Do not feel sorry for him one bit. You have nothing to be sorry for.

Please do not doubt your decision to leave. Not for one second. Ever. This was 100% the right thing to do and the only way you could ever left.

Of course this man is devastated. He could never have imagined you leaving. I am certain he will not change. Ever. And he will say and do whatever it takes to get you back into the house and this time he will make sure that you wont leave him again.

You have already done the hard part. Dig deep with every thread of you being. Your life depends on it. I know there will be good days and bad days but nothing will be worse than going back to what he has put you through. I am certain of this.

You will get through this. I just know you will. You have an army of women here who are following your journey to freedom!

Know that you are a true inspiration for anyone who reads this who may currently be suffering DV or have had first hand experience of this in their lives. Thank You.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.

Wishing you all the very best. There are better days ahead. I just know it x

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again

Please don't go back he doesn't even know himself if he can change if he even wants to!

Coco26....I left my husband in July and he promised he would change...admitted ALL fault, no blame on me etc, went to counselling.....I promise you they don't change. We had a "honeymoon" phase where he seemed perfect and changed...it didn't last. I'm now in a women's refuge. Please don't believe him, stay strong xxxx

Think Hard. Do you have anything that may share your location, has he hever had your gmail passport or any email password. Change all passwords and PIN numbers this week, get DC to do the same

If he truly loved you he would never have treated you like shit in the first place. He would never think it was acceptable to make you feel scared. He would have respected you and shown you love. If abuse is his acceptable default position then why and even how could he ever change that?!

It's not easy starting again I've done it three times, once for domestic violence. But what I learnt is I have an abundance of resilience I bounce back, stronger than ever. Never ever loose sight of how important you and your daughter are and don't let anyone treat any less than that x

I keep rereading your lovely messages of support. I’ve been struggling at the moment, i hate not being able to make things better. DD is finding things so difficult at the moment and it makes me wonder if it has been worth it at times. But then I come back and read all the messages and it reminds me that whilst he might be saying the things I wanted to hear from him, and even if I believe he genuine means it now, I don’t believe that he could change so much. I can’t go back and DD needs me to stay strong.

It would be so much easier if I could just hate him and not care.

@havecourage8bekind I hope you are doing ok.

I am so pleased you have posted again. You have been in my thoughts and I was wondering how you were doing. Stay strong. You can do it. You are so brave . You have done the right thing for yourself and your DD. If ever you feel a bit of a wobble coming on or think you can’t manage just come and tell us here . I am sure you will get so much support and encouragement. Sending you the biggest hug . I really do wish you and your daughter a good life with much happiness.

Sweetheart, if you go back with your daughter we may never hear from you again.
I really want to hear from you again. I admire your strength and I have a daughter myself.
Please don't go back. You're keeping her safe she needs you not to go back.

I think it's human nature to want to remember the good times. That makes us look back with rose tinted glasses.

When you feel this way, try to remember the reasons that you left. Maybe have a list somewhere that you can look at to strengthen your resolve that you have done the best thing in leaving. Best for you but also for your daughter. I can't remember if you have said, is she having some support from a counsellor?

I talked to DD and let her know I’d spoken to him and passed a message to her from him. Seeing her reaction, listening to how she felt about how he had treated her reminded me of the reasons we had to leave. That I had been unhappy for a long time and didn’t want to be with him anymore. It’s just fantasy to imagine that things would be ok, like world peace it is never going to happen.

DD is getting lots of support from uni, she’s also got a mentor who happens to be a trained counsellor who is really helping.

I’ll be glad when Christmas is out the way. Then I need to stay strong, stop trying to protect his feelings and be more honest about how bad things were. I know you will all be thinking who cares about his feelings but it’s not that easy when you’ve lived half your life with someone.

Thank you all for reading my posts and the responses. It really helps to keep me focused

I was so worried about our first Christmas after separating (in the September). Had sleepless nights about how upset the dcs would be (they were 13 and 16). Turned out to be lovely. Everyone was relaxed, no walking on eggshells. I'm sure that yours will be the same. He hasn't once wanted them for Christmas since and they seem quite happy with that

You have done so well, I wish you and dd healing and strength

I have just read the whole of this thread. OP, you are amazing. Well done for being so strong. You are a wonderful role model to your DD. Wishing you much happiness in your future. X

I hope you have a really nice first Christmas away from him, by yourselves xxx