Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

Not sure what to say, other that I just want the you're out of there updateyou can do this.

Good luck.

You can do this.

Stay on here for support!

Was feeling very wobbly this morning, difficult to get going despite knowing there are things to do today to make tomorrow easier. Ended up ringing women’s aid, procrastinating really, and then spoke to sis and now feeling calmer and stronger having spoken to them both. decided with sis to tell parents tomorrow after we’ve got cars packed, then she can come with me for support and it’s one less night of worry for my parents.

So today I am going to pick up the broadband router, do a shop and take them with some bits we can get out without him noticing to my friends.

Thank you everyone for keeping me going x

You’re doing amazing Coco is tomorriw the day then? You’ll get through it and once you are in your new place you’ll feel so relieved.

Hi Coco - good idea not to tell your parents yet. As you say - it just saves them worrying and the discussion with your parents will take up headspace which you need to keep clear for the final push.

It's natural to feel wobbly. What you're doing - leaving your abusive and controlling husband after 20+ years - is a massive thing to do. It's fabulous and absolutely the right thing for you and your DD. But you're bound to have some mixed feelings. When you settled down with your H and had children, this is surely not the end you would have chosen for the relationship. You're allowed to feel some grief at how things have worked out, even at the same time as feeling excitement and relief at the bright future that is unfolding ahead of you and your DD.

And you know that there will be some fallout to deal with once you have left and it's natural to feel some apprehension around that also. There was an amazing post on another thread from a PP who had been through leaving an abusive partner. She likened leaving an abusive relationship to fleeing a burning building. You might get a bit burned on the way out - you may even break an ankle leaping to safety - but those wounds are a very minor price to pay compared with what you would lose by staying. Even if you don't literally lose your physical life, you lose your emotional, psychological and possibly even physical wellbeing.

You're doing a great job, Coco. We're rooting for you. Keep posting here for support.

Good plan.

Nothing to be gained telling your parents if all you do is worry about them.

You have this. Deep breaths.

Delete all your information from any tablet , laptop etc . Take all address books with you . He will call around friends to get info.

Well that’s today’s jobs done. Router and a boot full taken over to my friends. Then shopped for some essentials which are also at hers now (no idea what I’ve brought, it was like doing supermarket sweep!)

I’m going to do a list on my phone of things to remember to take. Had forgotten about the address book. Luckily he doesn’t know where any of my friend re as they are all work friends and I’m not really allowed to socialise outside work

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement and tips. You will never know how much you have helped me through these days.

Fabulous work, Coco.

Good idea to do a list of last minute things to take - always useful to get these things out of your brain and on to paper.

It's good to know that our support has been helpful. You should also know that you are an inspiration and it is very rewarding to follow your story. That's why so many of us keep on circling back to your thread.

Yay! You go Coco.
We are so proud. Breathe deeply tonight

I'm routing for you xxx

I really hope tomorrow goes smoothly, you sound incredibly brave.

This is my paranoia kicking in - do you have any nosy neighbours who might have noticed your activity - just in case someone mentions anything to him - have something ready to say.

Do you or your DD work - is he likely to stalk or harass you there?

Two and a half years since I left my STBXH. I had the keys for three weeks beforehand & moved all manner of stuff - he was clueless!

Scary times & I felt so wobbly & displaced to begin with, doubting myself & wondering what I'd done but it was absolutely the right thing.

Good luck!

Sounds like it's all coming together. So excited for you! Would love to be a fly on the wall when he realizes you've gone ...!

@Sssloou luckily we live on a pretty miserable road! Friendly with immediate neighbours but l position of houses means no one would have seen us load the car unless they were outside. We were super speedy too. Work know what’s happening and they are going to let me work from home for another month. DD works part time and again they know and haven’t put her on the rota, have said to let them know when she wants shifts again. They’ve got panic buttons there as well and they’ve shown her what to do if he shows up once she’s back.

@PussGirl. This is very much how I am feeling. Doesn’t feel like it can really be happening. I am so scared about what might be to come, I’ve got visions of myself hiding in a corner too scared to come out. women’s aid said today that this is what he has done to me, being terrified of how he might react to things so I do whatever is needed to avoid the confrontation, that I can’t really imagine being able to leave without being paralysed by fear and being away from him will allow me to begin not to feel like this.

Very proud of how DD is coping. She even got rid of a daddy long legs from the house today to prove we are going to be fine on our own!

Thank you wonderful people for helping me through this

Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts for tomorrow. I can't wait to hear that you are safely in your new home

I’m reading this with my heart in my mouth. Coco26 you are amazing and I wish you and your lovely daughter all the best for tomorrow.

Hoping everything goes well tomorrow. Be thinking of you and your daughter

"Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts for tomorrow. I can't wait to hear that you are safely in your new home"

This!

Sending you so many positive vibes Coco! You sound wonderful and are taking such a great leap for you and your daughter. All the very best for tomorrow and a for the evening!

Great work OP. The only thing I have to add is to start tomorrow's packing in the order of importance so if you have to suddenly leave (you probably won't but you never know) the most important stuff is in the car.

I also think a man with a van big enough to take the bed and desk is a good idea. Even a taxi van type of thing. Another pair of hands means your there for less time too.

And when you're not near the car don't forget to lock it... and park it somewhere it can't be blocked in! You can do it!

Thinking of you Coco. Strength and courage my dear. You can do this. Just tonight to go and then tomorrow you take your first steps into freedom. Imagine shutting your new front door tomorrow knowing he will never set foot in your new home. The relief you will feel will be huge...knowing you don't have to tiptoe round him any more. Can you set an alarm for just after he leaves for work and discreetly put clothes nearby so you can jump out of bed when he is gone and make an immediate start on your escape. Really hoping all goes to plan.

You are amazing !!!

This was me with a 5 month old
Trembling in the public toilets for hours the day we fled

And what a HAPPY
PEACEFUL LIFE WE HAVE NOW

sending all the good wishes in the world to you all ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I say pack the baking stuff tonight/first because I can guarantee he will never look in the cupboards!

Oh and if you have nice cutlery or 'best' silverware take it!!!! He won't be needing it...