Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

I’ve seen suggested before on here to have a charity shop clear out, but fill the bags with stuff you still want.
Like out of season clothes, stuff he won’t notice missing.
Then ‘take it to charity’ aka your DS’s house.
Good luck, will be thinking of you

He’s gone out for a bit so I’ve gone some quilts and bedding in vacuum bags ready to go (he won’t notice these, has never changed a bed in 22 years). Will drop them at my friends before move day. Will also do a shop of non perishables to drop over to her so we’ll have the essentials. That way we can just bunker down a once we get there. Feels good to be doing something practical in preparation, to have something ticked off the list. Thank you everyone for taking the time to post. You are helping me so much!!

It’s brilliant that this morning you were feeling sick and fearful about getting stuff out of the house and now at 1:30 you are feeling good about it!

Don’t let him sense that spring in your step as he will know something is up.....

You can do this with clothing, let him think you are autumn changing out the summer stuff in the wardrobe, "old, too small stuff" in bin bags for the "Oxfam shop"

Don't buy new stuff, take things from your house, he won't notice loo roll, loo cleaner, washing up liq. T towels, dustpan & brush bin bags, etc
You need to save as much money as possible.
Fuck him

If hes out for a bit can you smuggle some bits out this afternoon to your new home or to a friend/ relative. Even just a box of household essentials / paperwork Anything you can do in advance might make Move Day a bit easier. You can do this Coco. Just hang on a tiny bit longer.

He wasn’t out for long so stuff is stored here ready to go in the week. He does notice nearly everything though, the smallest thing moved. Me and DD have been doing the covid clear out for a while so we know that the things left are what we really want to take. When I did my wardrobe (shared built in) he noticed straight away and commented on how tidy it was. My sis said this was so weird and def not something her DH would ever notice.

So we are preparing where we can. And to him it looks like I’m doing my normal Sunday clear up, which is basically me looking after all the housework and cooking Sunday dinner and him resting , because his job is so hard and he is always so tired by the weekend.

I will take some of the stuff though, like my baking stuff. It would all cost a fortune to replace if you tried to do it on one go and it’s taken years to build up. But these will be the nice extras if everything goes well, not the necessities. In then end the material things can be replaced. My sis is always finding gems in charity shops and I’m sure she’ll love a good reason to go hunting for me

@Coco26

Thank you all so much. You are all being so kind and your words of support are really helping me get through this last weekend. *@IBoughtALlama* thank you for sharing your story. This sounds so much like me and my DD, it is really helping me. As well as the fear I’m beginning to feel a little excitement about what the future may be

I'm glad you've got that little bit of excitement for the future.

I actually had the house for a few days before we actually left, so I was able to get stuff to the house in advance, and I got the second hand furniture delivered there that i'd managed to get cheap or free.

My biggest issue was that we were to go on holiday, due back 2 weeks before we moved. It was very hard to act normally while away on holiday, but we managed, despite him being a dick.

As for taking stuff out the house, well, my ex didn't really give a stuff about us, so I took what I needed, like the decent kettle (he had a small one), most of the pots and pans (he can't cook, would rely on ready meals if he had to), and so on. He had way more money than I did, given he swallowed most of mine up, so I figured he could break open that welded up wallet of his to get anything he wanted,

A few months later, I had the most honest compliment I'd ever had from my ex - he said he admired how ruthless I'd been in getting me and the DC out. I never got compliments from him normally, he'd be negging me when I felt good, etc, instead.

I learned a lot about myself in the process of getting out, that I am capable of being ruthless, and I'm stronger than I think, and yes, perfectly capable of living alone. I really like who I am now, as opposed to who I was then.

But you are legally entitled to take half of everything, you can take a TV, a sofa, take anything you want, it is not theft.
Just take before & after photos so he can't accuse you of taking things that never existed or been left behind suddenly missing

I know you've probably thought of this, but don't forget you don't have to pack neatly - big carriers or bin bags, shove everything in. You're just holding them together to put in the car really

Hopefully on move day he will be gone most of the day and give you enough of a window to get out safely with your things. Absolutely take your baking stuff with you if you possibly can and anything else that you need.

Sorry I did RTFT but didn’t spit, have you already got your documents out? ID, bank cards, your payslips anything financial that you will need? Those things are already safe?

Also heavy duty bin bags, I remember having many bags split which was not helpful when time was of the essence

H gets heavy duty bin bags from work and we have loads of them in the house. We’ve been cleaning out stuff we don’t need so will be a case of opening draws etc and just tipping them in to bin bags.

The house I’m going to has sofas and beds and bits for the kitchen so will be fine for short term. DD is very sad about leaving her bed(it is comfy!) and desk chair , but understands that these can be replaced. Who knows maybe he will surprise me and we will be able to come back and get furniture. But I’m going to concentrate on getting out, I never thought that I would be able to do this, I thought that this was going to be my life forever, so leaving behind the furniture feels like a price worth paying.

Thank you all for getting me to this point on Sunday feeling strong and determined. This time last week I thought I would be a complete wreck by now and worried I wouldn’t be able to see it though.

I've only just seen your thread @Coco26 but it takes me back to my last night 28 years ago!
I know the absolute fear but I also know the total joy that eventually came after.
You are doing an amazing thing.
We'll be cheering you on from the sidelines.
So much good advice here. I so wish I'd had that. Much love to you XX

Wishing you luck, strength and courage x

You brave lady.

Go get your new life.

Good luck @coco26 you daughter will be so proud of her strong mum xx I know I was when my mum finally got away!

I couldn't read and run. Good luck, and well done for doing this. We're all rooting for you.

Best of luck OP.

You can do this!

I'll be thinking of you

You brave woman, good for you. You're understandably petrified of the actual packing up the car. Could you ask a police officer to come over just for 20 minutes to supervise? That way if he does come back he literally can't touch or follow you? X

You might be able to roll up Dds mattress and get it in the car. And her desk chair - sometimes you can separate the seat and the legs, they unscrew.

Take as many of your kitchen things as you can.

Don’t forget any medication and contents of bathroom cabinet.

I’ve helped a Friend do this and she got a lot of things out in advance by ‘spring cleaning ‘ and ‘ taking things to the charity shop “ aka her friends houses.

When her Husband noticed that it was tidier she told him she was trying to be a better wife and keep the place tidy for him as he worked so hard. She said she realised he was right about the kids having too many toys so she had got rid of those they didn’t play with. That she was trying not to waste his hard earned money buying clothes she didn’t need.

Etc etc

Basically all the things he had been complaining about for years.

Best of luck to you, OP xx

Good luck 💐