Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

Another idea, if you normally go out to work, take a day off to prepare your belongings, if he comes home, say you felt unwell, & had to come home.
There is less likelihood him coming home if he thinks you are out, as, no one to check up on,

Thinking of you today @Coco26

I think that I would have mental run through in your head of contingency plans if he rumbles you before hand or if he turns up on the day - so that you are in control with some simple words you have practiced and some actions you know you will take. Don’t be consumed by fear KNOW that you will handle it calmly and safely and that your departure will still happen.

For instance:

So if he turns up on the day decide if you want your friend to intervene and deliver the news. Or if you want to say two lines out loud on rinse and repeat (once) and then friend steps in. Then if he kicks off he is warned that the police are on standby and if that doesn’t settle it they are called.

Or if he rumbles before - just say I need to pop out to get some milk I will be back in 5 mins .... and just don’t come back. Have your essentials in the car. Ring him or text him to tell him that the marriage is over. Then come back with friends to collect your belongings a few days later.

@Mix56

Another idea, if you normally go out to work, take a day off to prepare your belongings, if he comes home, say you felt unwell, & had to come home. There is less likelihood him coming home if he thinks you are out, as, no one to check up on,

That's a good idea.

Thinking of you, OP.

Thinking of you Coco. Best of luck

Hoping that things go well this week,. and that you are far nearer to a new life of happiness!

Thinking of you OP ❤

Wow thank you everyone. Had a manic work day and just logged on to see wonderful messages of support. You’re all keeping me focused!

Working from home at the moment. Do have lots of leave that he knows I’m being asked to take but at the same time crazy busy at work so taking it is difficult. This has at least meant that I’ve been taking days here and there, sometimes cancelling last minute or only taking a half day so he hasn’t wanted to book days off with me. I will think of a plan if he does show up though, that is def better than just panicking and no one knowing what I want to do. He doesn’t come home to check up as such but more if his job is taking him near the area then he’ll pop in to get a drink and stuff. I’ve just got to pray that he’s working out the area for the day but he doesn’t always know in advance.

We’ve been having a clear out and making sure the stuff we are taking is ready to go, which is ready to tip into a heavy duty bin bag in most cases. Mattress is only a couple of years old and so deep don’t think there is anyway we could roll it. But the tip about unscrewing the chair is a good idea, would be good to take if we can.

Thank you for your support and keeping me focused everyone. Still feeling determined today and strangely calm. I’m sure your words of support and encouragement and shared experiences are helping with that.

Hi Coco - good to hear you're feeling determined and strangely calm. You held on through the fear - you let yourself feel it but you didn't let it deflect you from your intention of escaping, so perhaps you now feel more able to trust yourself and trust the process as it unfolds. We're all rooting for you!

You're nearly there Coco. Fingers crossed this all goes to plan. Is there any chance you could borrow a van from a friend / relative so you could take your daughters mattress / bed / chair with you. Might make it easier than trying to fit everything into cars.

Just wishing you luck Coco

What about looking on fb marketplace for a "man with a van" ? so an extra pair of hands, your S can help you fill bags & he can carry them out to van, plus the bed/chair etc.
Added bonus, there is a man around if H comes home.

Good luck and keep strong

@Mix56

What about looking on fb marketplace for a "man with a van" ? so an extra pair of hands, your S can help you fill bags & he can carry them out to van, plus the bed/chair etc. Added bonus, there is a man around if H comes home.

If you do this , then get a friends to do all the contacting for you and don’t give out your phone number at all and only the exact address on the last day.

There have been posters advising booking a "man with a van". If you do this, OP, ascertain the man with a van knows the address you are going to before he drives off, and to be discreet about it.
Several years ago, my friend left her controlling OH and the "man with a van" shouted the destination address out from one end of the drive to the other, so her OH heard !!!
Sending hugs and best wishes for the future OP.

Good luck!

Great advice re. "man with a van" arrangements - to hire one, have your sister or friend make all the arrangements and to ensure that he knows to be discrete and not share your destination with anyone.

Thinking of you @Coco26, hope it all goes well

I’ve been thinking about the man with a van suggestion but I’m just too nervous about it. Having a man here would send him crazy I think and it wouldn’t be fair on the poor bloke. I need to keep myself as calm as I can so will stick with sis and friend

Done some more organising today so paperwork and other bits ready to take to friends tomorrow along with some shopping. Also going to tell my parents.

Not long now!

Are you 100% sure that you can trust your parents ? I hope you can but too many women have discovered to their cost that their parents care more about keeping up appearances and have breached their confidentially and tipped off the husband.

If you have the smallest doubt at all I wouldn’t tell them until you have left.

I agree, your parents may just ring him & tell him he "needs to be nicer" as you are planning to leave... I don't think it's a risk I would take.

no way they would do this. My only worry about telling them is because they are going to worry about us. They honestly couldn’t care less about appearances and what others may think. I know their kids and grandkids happiness and safety are all that matter to them.

That’s good to know. I’m glad you can trust them.

Sorry if I offended you by asking, I’d rather mention it and be sure than have your plans scuppered.

Not at all @S00LA I’m really grateful for all the advice, support and tips I am getting. And it helps me to remember that I am lucky in some ways I’ve not been cut off from my family and have their love and support, and I had more friends that care about me than I realised.

The very best of luck OP.
Everything is replaceable.

As you walk around the house, make a list of what your priorities items are.

Get them out of the house in round one.
Then do a second sweep and so on.
No rooms left behind.