Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

It’s not at all surprising you are having these feelings. As you said: you’ve been putting him first for 22 years. But these are just feelings. They aren’t facts.

Thanks @Dery. Feeling a little calmer today. The support on here is really helping me keep focused on getting things ready to go and stopping me getting caught in the circle of anxiety. If I stay I would have the same fear every time DD wanted to go out, if she started seeing someone etc. The thought of years ahead of him having to approve of every little thing, I know he would ruin every milestone to come.

I’ll keep trying to focus on just getting out. And not worry about having to sort out Solicitors and divorce etc for now.

If you are scared to phone the police (non emergency 101 number) could one of your friends or family do this for you or be there with you while you call them?

Make sure that everyone knows to not give him your new address and to say @Coco26 left because she doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t need any other information or explanation.

"I haven’t told police, it’s a scary step and I am worried of antagonising him and if this will make things worse. But I’m also terrified of what he is capable of. Maybe it’s all bravado and he’d never do anything but I just don’t know."

He's obviously made very threatening statements in the past. I think you may be able to report the situation to the police so that they have it on file, without necessarily having to have a situation where they rush round and question him i.e. you may be able to have a discussion with the police that he never needs to know about. You could perhaps just warn them that you are escaping a DV situation; your DS is coming to help you leave; you're going to do it while your partner is at work but you're worried about what might happen if he comes home while you're leaving. I would have thought the police would be able to log that somewhere and then if you have to involve them as you are leaving, they will have some of the backstory. Just a thought.

Anyway, it's great that he doesn't suspect anything. That will keep you safest in the run up to leaving. And even if you don't involve the police beforehand, I think it would be worth speaking to them after you have left and seeing if they have any particular advice. Women's Aid, too. It is awful that you are scared for your life and I think you should take as much advice as you can after you have left to help you handle that situation. You might want to apply for a non-molestation order if you continue to feel in danger.

But as you say, you need to get your DD and yourself out of the situation because the alternative is for you both to lead crippled lives for the rest of your lives.

You're doing really well, OP. Keep posting here for support.

You have come a v long way. There is has been so much emotional shift over a v long time on top of the logistical planning that has inched you along this diving board.

You are giving your DD an amazing opportunity and are being a wonderful role model which is a precious and infinite gift.

I wonder if you should defer telling your DPs until after you have left - or ask your DSis to tell them because you don’t need any distraction or to be unsettled before you leave - you need every drop of emotional resolve - you can’t risk any comments or wasting energy explaining, justifying or defending your decision - or even soothing them. You have a lifetime to do that after you have left.

However I would log it with the police - maybe even a friend doing it for you if it’s too much. They don’t need to contact him - it’s just there on file in case.

Good luck. Keep being brave. There is no courage without fear.

Thank you. I think I am realising calling 101 may be the best way forward, to help me feel a little safer and hopefully know that they will be here quickly if the worst happens.

I think the anxiety over telling my parents will be worse than actually telling them, so I will do this before I leave. I know they will be supportive, that our happiness is the most important thing to them. And I have to forewarn them, I’m most sure that he will go round there and they need to know to call the police if necessary.

Hi OP - prioritise doing what will make you feel comfortable in the run up to leaving.

Calling 101 sounds like a great idea. Then you will know that the police have a note that you are fleeing a DV situation and will know to respond quickly if the situation becomes difficult. Could your sister bring one of your friends or a friend of hers to help? That person might be able to help you pack everything into your car more quickly and could perhaps also act as a look-out if need be so that you have that additional level of reassurance.

And it sounds like you would feel better if your parents know what's going on. If it feels like too awkward a conversation to have before you're out, could you ask your sister to briefly explain to your parents what's going on? She can tell them that you will explain in more detail once you are out but right now you need to concentrate on having everything ready to leave but you wanted them to know what's happening and to forewarn them that your partner will probably look for you at their house.

I suggest you try a get some stuff out bit by bit, some of the toys, clothes, linen, can you do that? so that if you are rumbled you have already got some of the essentials.
Also you need to get copies of all the important paperwork, mortgage, savings, bank account, pensions, pay slips, remember to get your passports, ID, birth cert etc. You can do this ahead of time & leave the documents at work or with a trusted friend. Anything sentimental that is important you can get ready in a set place.
All the clothes etc you want to take you prepare in the wardrobe with the hangers in the same direction,
remember to take bedding, towels, pots & pans, etc.
You can get organized beforehand it will make the move faster & less of a panic
I think you should leave a message. "I have left you, DD is with me, I will contact you in due course would do it. that way he won't call the police or contact friends & family.
Make sure you change all your passwords, on phone, computer, bank account. transfer half of any joint savings immediately, if not you will never see it again.

Mix's suggested message sounds spot on. It doesn't require any mental energy for you to say that. It just tells your partner the basic facts. You could write it and post it through the door just as you are about to drive away. That way, there's no danger of him coming across it before you have safely got away.

Also, if you simply disappear he may be ringing round hospitals etc. or turn up at your work place or DD's school.
He will call, I would block him until the adrenaline settles, ,then call him.
Tell him, it is definitive, you will not be returning. To expect a letter from your solicitor.
Do not listen to any accusations, or blubbing. Do NOT give him your address. Grey Rock.No fighting, no furious explication,
just calm 5 (max) word sentences.
I'm sorry you feel that way
You can contact SHL
I will need to think about that
No

I don't know what age DD is, but you will need to tell the school/nursery etc. that you have separated & DD is NOT to go with him.

Thanks @Mix56 and @Dery. I think that is actually what I will put on the letter, it seems pretty perfect. DD is now an adult, one of the reasons we’re leaving is that he won’t let her be one, controls everything she does. We’ve moved some of her stuff already. I think I might see what else we can get out without him noticing, ive got a friend who says she can help me move stuff and will let me drop some stuff off in advance. He seems to notice everything of mine so will be her stuff, she has a lot!

Can’t get at birth certificates as they are hidden away in loft but luckily I’ve noticed that he didn’t put passports up there after we used them last, he must have hidden them in the house and forgotten to move them to loft. I know where rest of paperwork is and have sorted it so I can grab it. And I’ve taken photos of his payslips and bank statements. Luckily our bank accounts are separate so I have my own savings. I was going to get post redirected to my parents, so nothing will go to home but it’s not being redirected to new place. I read that they can’t guarantee not revealing where post is being directed to.

@Coco26
That is correct about the post, they send a letter to the old address advising of the redirection and what the new address is.

You are definitely doing the right thing, you and DD will have a fabulous life without him.

Hi OP, I haven’t been in this situation myself, but my sister has and she was (and still is) so, so much happier since she left.

She was with a guy for about ten years and at the point she left, there two children were 7 and 4. I was at her house on a Wednesday, she broke down and told me how she and the children were being emotionally and financially abused and she couldn’t go on. I was so, so shocked - she had been hiding it for years.

Anyhow, two days later when her partner was at work I went to their house and bundled my sister and the children into my car, with hardly any belongings and took them back to my house. She text her partner to say she had left and then blocked him. He will have known she was with me but thankfully he didn’t know where I lived.

It was a difficult year after she left when it came to trying to find somewhere else to live, to sort her finances out, readjust to life (both children had to move school) and deal with all the emotional impact it had on the children.

The 5 year old was too young to really understand and seemed to think coming to mine was a big adventure. The 7 year old however was very damaged by what he’d been witnessing at home, especially seeing how his dad was treating his mom, and it was all very upsetting for him although he said from Day one that he was so glad he didn’t have to live with his daddy anymore.

It’s been over 7 years since my sister left her Ex and still her son will not have anything to do with his dad. He says he will never forgive or forget what his dad did.

My sister has such a wonderful life now, she is so happy, the children are thriving, she has so many friends and a wonder social life and that terrible period of her life is just a memory that she doesn’t even pay attention to anymore.

You are a wonderful mother and so incredibly brave - life may be difficult for a while but from the moment you leave it’s the start of your new and happy life with your daughter.

The best of luck to both of you

Courage Coco, You can get through this. Will he be out of the way long enough for you to get away safely? Any idea where he might have hidden the passports...that in itself is controlling and disturbing. Are you able to start compiling a list...even just a mental note of everything you might need to remember to take with you? Thinking of you...you can do this. Just hang in there a little bit longer.

Thank you everyone. @QueenofmyPrinces hearing how people have moved on helps so much, I never before believed that could be me but I have hope now.

H is mobile for work and can come back randomly so it’s not likely but is possible. That’s why I’m leaning toward telling police. And I think getting stuff to my friend in the couple of days before is a good idea too.

He’s always said that he hides the documents in case someone breaks in and steals them but like everything else he labels as looking after us it’s just his control.

I just wanted to say how brave you are for getting out. As the daughter (now 35) of a DM who got us out of a similar situation, I am so grateful that my mum did what she had to do and that I no longer have any contact with that man. Your DD and you will be SO much happier once this hard part is over. I got nervous every time I put something in a box ready to move or sorted my clothes into sections ready to grab and go. It was like nervous butterflies I couldn't shake. I get how scary it is, I really do, but I promise you are making the right decision and it will all be worth it. Waking up in the morning without 'the fear' is the best thing in the world and worth every second of stress leading up to the day you walk out.

Take a deep breath, remind yourself how incredibly strong you are, and try and channel a little of the fear into excitement - the freedom you so desperately want is so close!! You're doing something amazing for you and your DD. Keep going. You've got this!

don't waste any time then re birth certs. You can get replacements on line in a few clicks & small charge. You could also declare passport lost.
Its good you can prove his earning potential etc. You will have to force him to sell the house to get your half, & having proof is always useful.

@IBoughtALlama this is exactly how we feel when we are getting stuff ready. I feel sick when I think of actual getting the stuff out to the cars but I know that it’s got to be done or we’ll live with the fear forever. I hope DD can say the same as you when she’s 35. She’s the most precious thing In the world, kind, funny, clever, beautiful and I feel I have let her down so badly. Now we have been honest about what has been happening it breaks my heart to hear how badly she has been affected by him when I thought I was doing me best to shield her. My DS says I made the best decision I could at the time and this Is not my fault, and I do believe this but my job was to protect her and i feel like I’ve failed.

My emotions are all over the place right now. But I am feeling determined. Can’t do much at the moment as he’s home but eager for him being back at work so I can get cracking.

Me and my mum have spoken about it a few times since we left. She'll always say she wishes she left sooner, but when we talk about why she didn't, there were good reasons at the time. I don't feel any resentment at all that she didn't get out sooner than she did, I'm just forever grateful that she did when she could. I hope your DD will feel the same. If anything it has made me and my DM closer because we have the shared experience. It has made us both much stronger I think.

I agree with your DS, you have done everything you can, and you're still doing everything you can. You have a plan to get out and you're going through with it and that takes SO much courage. Hold on to that determination - It is what will get your through this and out that door!!

On a practical note, I agree with @Mix56 don't worry about the birth certificates, we didn't take ours and it wasn't a big deal. I found having my passport useful to change my addresses (I wasn't allowed a drivers licence when we left, so needed my passport as photo ID for a few things - does your DD have a licence?), so if you can find passports and take them then it's worth it. If not, don't worry, you can replace them.

I'd also ask your DS to get you a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates or something to celebrate on that first night away. You'll likely be exhausted and emotionally drained but it's a night worth celebrating, even if its in a small way. Take a photo with your DD that night, the first night of freedom. Even if you're crying in it (like we were) it's wonderful to have to look back on that night. It reminds me how strong my DM was/is, and how much we overcame.

Great advice from Mix and Llama - definitely have a treat planned for the evening of the day when you escape.

@Coco26 take some comfort from the words of Maya Angelou

“I did then what I knew how to. Now I know better - I do better.”

We have all tried our best in the moment. Sometimes it might not have been the right path but if we know that we can set about proactively making it better rather than getting dragged down into futile, draining, counterproductive guilt.

Thank you all so much. You are all being so kind and your words of support are really helping me get through this last weekend. @IBoughtALlama thank you for sharing your story. This sounds so much like me and my DD, it is really helping me. As well as the fear I’m beginning to feel a little excitement about what the future may be

Beautiful quote from Sssloou - that certainly comforts me on all kinds of levels. Trust Maya Angelou to know how to express it!

We're excited for you, Coco!

I have been where you are now. I knew we were leaving on the Thursday. The last weekend was the hardest.

As PP have said definitely call the police and tell them what's happening as if it all goes downhill on the day, they are aware and will attend quickly. I didn't know and so wish I had.

But on a positive note that first night of freedom and relief is the best you'll ever have. We left ( 3 children and I) and ended up sleeping on the floor of our rented flat, on a mattress all together under duvets. That feeling of safety and relief was so great.

Wishing you all the best for you and your DD xxx

The relief.... you will feel, but also probably extreme fatigue.
I suggest you buy basic food, tea, milk, sugar, soup, toast, breakfast food, fruit, juice etc and then Cake and Wine , .......... Before the leaving day. & drop it off before if possible. have loo roll & basic cleaning materials ahead of time too.
Even if he comes home, its OK, you can call the police if necessary, your DS will be there, you just keep loading as much as possible, & drive off.
he will be menacing & try & stop you taking things, but actually he cannot stop you. Be strong.