Shell shocked by what BIL has texted me

[Pineapplesandflamingoes]

This is a weird one I know. I am a regular mumsnetter and recently changed my username but this is genuine. I have only changed a couple of details about the family set up just in case it could be outing but otherwise this is what has happened.

I’m shell shocked because a week ago my BIL texted me to say he is divorcing my sister because he couldn’t take any more. The marriage has become completely toxic over the years and they have largely been living separate lives in the same house. I knew this was coming due to my sister telling me how bad things were and also my grown up nieces.

Just to give some background, they have been together for over 30 years and for at least 25 of those years they seemed happy and content. Nearly always together unless they were working and focusing on their family. I never had any clue anything could be wrong but of course that is often the case.

I replied to say I’m sorry to hear about the divorce but I think it is for the best so they can both move on and find happiness. I said try not to be bitter about it as it doesn’t help matters and to think of his mental heath. (I know he isn’t in a good place mentally).

Shortly after I sent that reply he went on to say that my sister had been bringing men back to the house and she had done it again recently and that was why he couldn’t take any more. He attached 2 video’s, I didn’t watch them but could see from the picture on each video that it was my sister with a man and one of them showed she was half dressed. I’ve deleted them and told him this and said I don’t want to be in the middle of this and want to support them both through the divorce.

I really believe that there is much more to all this than first impressions which I admit don’t look good. But how many husband’s do you know would sit in their home and video his wife while she is doing things with another man? My BIL is a burly testosterone fuelled type and I just can’t imagine he would stand for that unless it’s something they might have done before in a kind of threesome or he watches type of thing. I have heard rumours from acquaintances who have said that they thought they might be swingers. I’m wondering now if he is recording so that he has ammunition against her for the divorce, but why not just go for a no fault divorce?

I really don’t want to judge, I just feel awful about the whole thing and sick to my stomach that he would find it appropriate to send me these videos of my sister. Who else has he sent them to? I know of at least one other person.
I just don’t know what to think or how to react. I don’t know whether to tell my sister. Like I say I just feel shell shocked really.

I experienced something similar. So sad to read what has happened to op and her sister.
I married a much older man after being raped as a teenager. He was so kind and protective. Fast forward a few months to the wedding night ( this was decades back and we did not sleep together prior to marriage .Also a very traditional closed society ) he kept on asking about the man who raped me . What he did, how he looked. Over and over. He was obviously excited. I cried and cried but had no one to turn to.
By the time I had daughters he had invited his close friend to stay . If I did not comply with having sex with the man , my husband would bully my daughters about every little thing. Nothing they did was right and they were so confused. They were made to believe that they , and I were wrong, stupid females .
One day I found that husband had drilled a hole in the house wall and had been watching or filming me. When I found the courage to challenge him he became very violent . Started spreading lies about me to family .

I am alone now. Have little contact with my children.. who are adults believing in the myth of what happened to poor dad. He is old and Disabled . I hate him. But more than that I hate the fact that 10 years after leaving I met a good man but ended the relationship. I hate myself so much I will never feel clean .
Your poor sister will need so much support . And so will you. Thank goodness her children support her. My husband always appeared to be a kind and cheerful man to his children. I can never disillusion them . He used them like a weapon .

I think there may be land mines to be aware of if you start warning other relatives of him potentially sending them videos.

There is a risk that you lose control and and this could blow up badly and as always it’s your DSis or DN that bares the brunt.

One of the relatives (understandably) might be so affronted and choose to take him to task - this would be a v high risk situation.

Equally if he sent them videos anyway they may do this off their own bat - but this would then have been the reaction he was trying to provoke so he feels he is in control.

Maybe if you can trust your relatives to understand and then follow the “quiet as a church mice” approach it would be OK and would avoid them opening anything from him and have compassion for your DSis.

@Ohhelpmetoo - so so sorry that this happened to you and the trauma you have relentlessly endured. Such evil.

I honestly did not know it was abusive. To make it worse , the wife of the “ other man” informed my teenage ( at the time) that I was a slut and an adulterer . At intervals she sends vile messages about how they will be glad when I die . I cannot explain as they love their father . They will not listen. This sort of thing does not end when the victim leaves. The mans wife said it was her “ religious duty” to tell my daughter . I cannot blame her as I’m sure she was abused too. It sounds so easy to tell people , to go to the police etc. In practice it is very hard . I do hope op and her sister get the help they need . Ssslou , thank you x

I would definitely tell your sister.
I would tell him it is inappropriate and ask him not to send any more.
I would speak to the police, as this sounds like it could be a criminal offence.
Advise your sister to get a bloody good lawyer for her divorce. She's going to need all the support she can get. Someone who knows how to handle challenging/difficult ex partners. Also advise your sister to take emotional support from a specialist divorce coach or counsellor. You could direct her to the Group Hug - www.thegrouphug.com/ - there are loads of resources there, and links to support in her area.

Although divorce requires (currently, until the law changes) fault to be found, that has no bearing on any financial settlement.

@LittleEsme - Thank you.

@Ohhelpmetoo - I am so so sorry to hear what has happened to you. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Have you had any counselling at all? I do hope your children see one day that they have been lied to and manipulated. You have done nothing wrong and I hope you know that. Abusers often have a way of holding the power even when you have the courage to leave them. You have shown such strength and resilience.

@Sssloou - I do worry about warning other family members, more so because of their possible reactions like you say. At the moment I’ve decided not to speak to any other relatives because I’m pretty sure they would contact me if they had heard or seen anything.
One worrying thing is that BIL has asked my oldest niece for the younger nieces phone number as he fell out with her. My niece hasn’t given it to him and not replied. My worry is he might be wanting to send her the video’s, I just don’t put anything past him now. The thought is revolting. But he hasn’t got any way to contact her so I’m hoping he can’t do any further damage.

@Brakebackcyclebot - Thank you for the group hug link, I haven’t heard of them before. I have since updated to day I’ve told my sister so she is aware. In my updates I’ve stated I’m not responding to him again because he is irrational and out of control and my sister doesn’t want the police involved.

Yes I have had counselling but the shame remains. .you are so brave and have done well supporting your sister. I wish you , your sister and her family the very best xx

@Ohhelpmetoo

Yes I have had counselling but the shame remains. .you are so brave and have done well supporting your sister. I wish you , your sister and her family the very best xx

I'm so sorry for what you've been through at the hands of this despicable predator the shame does not belong with you

@Ohhelpmetoo sending you so much love, I am so sorry for what you've been through. You sound selfless and resilient

I hate the fact that 10 years after leaving I met a good man but ended the relationship. I hate myself so much I will never feel clean

This is heartbreaking - awful.

One of the most dreadful aspects of sexual abuse is that the victim is the one who feels ashamed - the perpetrators never do.

ohelpmetoo - Please - you are NOT dirty, nor are you stupid.

.
You were vulnerable and he recognised the fact and took advantage.

He threatened your children and you did what you need to to protect them.

You are a good and loving person who has been abused and exploited. Whether you tell your DDs of not is up to you - but please do't despise yourself. You are worth more. You have been incredibly strong to come through this - recognise your strength and build your life with new, strong self-image.

Speak to the Samaritans, or a counsellor, or your priest if you have a faith. get this into the open with someone who can validate the horrors you have been through. And forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

Oh - sorry. I see that you have had counselling. Perhaps a different approach? Tapping therapy can be excellent for sexual trauma such as this.

Thank you all for kind messages . I hope things are easier now and that op and family get the help they need .

Shame is a marvellous tool to use to empower abusers like your arsehole BIL. I think your SIL is going to have to speak to her HR Dept and warn them that something may come up and let them know that she is preparing to take legal action. He is just the kind of guy to send something like this to her work. OR she could get in ahead of him and get a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter hoping that this puts him off sharing further videos.

@Ohhelpmetoo - I am so sorry that you are flooded with chronic and toxic shame. There are specific treatments for this - you don’t need to live this way. Dr Patrica DeYoung has written extensively on overcoming toxic and chronic shame. Paul Gilbert psychologist has materials online around compassion therapy and Brene Brown talks on YouTube. If you can do some reading and then find a psychotherapist experienced in this specific area you will be able to rinse this out and finally be emotionally free from the evils inflicted on you in the past.

@Ohhelpmetoo please don't leave things like this. Take the advice of experienced MN'ers. Your post filled me with despair when I read it.

When you're ready, start your own thread in relationships? You sound like you need support. God knows you deserve it

People are so kind . I will look at those suggestions . I hope op is able to let us know what happens and that she , her sister and family are ok.
I am grateful that my own children and it appears ops DN are strong and resilient . And supported . I only found out when my aunt ( mums older sister ) died in her 90s that they were abused as children by their step father. But my mother was not willing to listen to me . She couldn’t bear it .They never even discussed what had happened to them . My mum told me when in shock at her sisters death . No one really knows what goes on in families .