Shell shocked by what BIL has texted me

[Pineapplesandflamingoes]

This is a weird one I know. I am a regular mumsnetter and recently changed my username but this is genuine. I have only changed a couple of details about the family set up just in case it could be outing but otherwise this is what has happened.

I’m shell shocked because a week ago my BIL texted me to say he is divorcing my sister because he couldn’t take any more. The marriage has become completely toxic over the years and they have largely been living separate lives in the same house. I knew this was coming due to my sister telling me how bad things were and also my grown up nieces.

Just to give some background, they have been together for over 30 years and for at least 25 of those years they seemed happy and content. Nearly always together unless they were working and focusing on their family. I never had any clue anything could be wrong but of course that is often the case.

I replied to say I’m sorry to hear about the divorce but I think it is for the best so they can both move on and find happiness. I said try not to be bitter about it as it doesn’t help matters and to think of his mental heath. (I know he isn’t in a good place mentally).

Shortly after I sent that reply he went on to say that my sister had been bringing men back to the house and she had done it again recently and that was why he couldn’t take any more. He attached 2 video’s, I didn’t watch them but could see from the picture on each video that it was my sister with a man and one of them showed she was half dressed. I’ve deleted them and told him this and said I don’t want to be in the middle of this and want to support them both through the divorce.

I really believe that there is much more to all this than first impressions which I admit don’t look good. But how many husband’s do you know would sit in their home and video his wife while she is doing things with another man? My BIL is a burly testosterone fuelled type and I just can’t imagine he would stand for that unless it’s something they might have done before in a kind of threesome or he watches type of thing. I have heard rumours from acquaintances who have said that they thought they might be swingers. I’m wondering now if he is recording so that he has ammunition against her for the divorce, but why not just go for a no fault divorce?

I really don’t want to judge, I just feel awful about the whole thing and sick to my stomach that he would find it appropriate to send me these videos of my sister. Who else has he sent them to? I know of at least one other person.
I just don’t know what to think or how to react. I don’t know whether to tell my sister. Like I say I just feel shell shocked really.

I haven’t told my sister yet, I just don’t know how on earth to I tell her about it? Like I said she is very low and I’m worried about her mental health too.

@Pineapplesandflamingoes

I did think is it illegal? But could he then change his story and say it was a consensual thing to save his own neck? I just don’t know whether to hope they get divorced quickly and for all this to be over. But then he could carry on showing people this stuff. Where does it end?

It doesn't matter whether what was going on was consensual etc. As soon as he shared it he committed a crime. Look up revenge porn and they are coming down on it hard.

The act of sending it to you makes it a revenge porn offence. But that may well be different from the context in which it was filmed. There's a massive trend on free porn sites for 'wife share' scenarios. Married men arrange for other men to come and have sex with their wives. Since you've heard the rumour that they're swingers I'd say there's no smoke without fire, but it's possible that the rumour is an approximation of what many people can wrap their heads around, ie. it doesn't explicitly acknowledge the context for the 'swinging'. With wife sharing porn the husband or couple advertise for men to join them while the husband films the sex between the wife and other man. The husband might bill himself as a 'cuckold' but essentially that's a conceit because he has encouraged the encounter and derives sexual satisfaction from it. The wife is all too often a less than fully willing participant, but this mightn't be obvious. Some wives are trying to please their husbands by going along with the 'fantasy' for reasons such as trying to save the relationship, but obviously that often means they don't necessarily want the sexual encounter for themselves. Is it possible that your sister is leaving your BIL because he has pushed her into such scenarios and she has found the courage to get out at last? To spite and hamper her determination, he's now 'sharing' the videos he made and claiming that they show her cheating on him? When in actual fact the context might be a very different (dark) matter?

Non consensual taking and sharing of sexual images is a crime. Experts call it image based sexual abuse.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/revenge-porn-online-abuse-and-the-law/

@baroqueandblue this happened to a woman I know. He tried to use it against her, when she hadn’t even wanted to do it in the first place.

OP, I would report this to the police. They can review the video and take action against your BIL. But before that FGS talk to your sister and find out what’s going on. Have they split up? One of them moved out? Has he ever threatened to send stuff etc?

It’s revenge porn, ie sharing private videos without her consent with intent to distress or embarrass. Your sister needs to know ASAP.
Don’t delay out if embarrassment or fear of upsetting her, she needs t know.

She can phone a National revenge porn helpline which can advise her. She should also calmly tell her ex that if he shares images or videos of her like that again she will immediately make a police report and have him prosecuted.
Poor woman. Hope it turns out ok.

You need to save the images and any texts he sent you, the police will need them.

Your sister can apply to the courts for an injection to stop him sharing these images. She can do it herself or through a solicitor.

Sorry I’ve just seen that you deleted the videos. Get them out your deleted items now and anything else he sent you.

Thank you for the advice I just didn’t know what on earth to do next. At least when I find the words to tell her I can say that it is illegal and ask her if she wants me to report him. I will google that support line.
They are still living in the same house, it is for sale at the moment. The divorce is something that has been in the running for some time. Her eldest has been so good in getting her legal advice and helping her to make the decision. I think in the end it all got so toxic they have jointly decided to divorce.
I know you can never know what goes on in a marriage but what some of you are saying is quite possibly true. That BIL encouraged her to approach men and bring them back, I have heard that said in the rumours I’ve heard. I really don’t think she would have started doing this herself. Certainly without his knowledge or agreement. I can only assume he is now using it against her.
Somehow he thinks it shows he is the wronged party but as soon as I saw the stills I thought it doesn’t add up.

I’ve got the texts, I’ll look and see if I can get the video’s back.
I just can’t believe this is happening.

Please do whatever you can to recover the videos he sent. Him sending them to you is a crime as she obviously wouldn't want her having sex shared with you so she can't have consented to it. Either phone or face to face you need to talk to her about it, so she can plan and also keep herself safe, mentally and physically until the split is sorted.

If you go into recently deleted in your gallery you might be able to restore the deleted videos.
Hope this helps

They will be in your deleted folder, they usually stay there for certain number of days.

As your sister already has a solicitor she can get advice on this.

Poor woman, I’m glad you and her kids have her back.

Oops x posted

Sh05 - Thank you for the advice I have found them exactly where you said. I’ve saved them into a separate folder.

ALLIS0N - Thank you. Yes my sister has support she certainly won’t have to face this alone. That’s a good idea with the solicitor, they can hopefully give advice and I’ll also tell her about the helpline.

I am concerned about being in the middle of all this but my loyalty is to my sister first. I am wondering if she does want to report it to the police what will happen next. I’m sure he will know that this has come from me which will just add more drama. But I can’t be responsible for his actions.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I’m going to try and sleep now.

She could be sleeping with a whole footy team for all i care

He is in the wrong
He has sent videos of her, unknown if she even knows they exist - he is a vile human

You leave, you dont film secretly or send on videos that may have been consensual at the time to ANYONE, least of all her family
I dont report much to the cops at all but this makes my list of report.

Sounds like he has it as evidence so your sister will get nothing in the divorce that will be his main goal by the Sounds of it but he broke the law sending them too you

Here's what you do: You support your sister all the way. You tell her what your ass of a BIL showed you and tell her you will do everything in your power to help her.

He's a cunt, act accordingly. Do not trust him as far as you can spit. Tell your sister everything.

Exactly my thought. Everyone is so quick to demonize the BIL perhaps he is just gathering evidence to support her unreasonable and unacceptable behavior.

He started the drama, do involve the police. He has broken the law. Cunt.

I would say he's done it to have proof that she is doing what he says she is, and to show you that he's not lying about her doing what he says she is.

It's not nice, and yeah it's vengeful - but he's probably worried that she's going to spin it that the marriage break up is all his fault and he doesn't want people to think he's the bad guy for instigating the divorce, when she's the one who has been unfaithful.

Gathering evidence is normal when people suspect affairs.

Or he could just be a vicious bastard who is trying to blacken her name to everyone she knows.

Hard to tell without knowing him, really.

Where are you hearing the swinger rumours from? How come you never told her people are talking about her?