Shell shocked by what BIL has texted me

[Pineapplesandflamingoes]

This is a weird one I know. I am a regular mumsnetter and recently changed my username but this is genuine. I have only changed a couple of details about the family set up just in case it could be outing but otherwise this is what has happened.

I’m shell shocked because a week ago my BIL texted me to say he is divorcing my sister because he couldn’t take any more. The marriage has become completely toxic over the years and they have largely been living separate lives in the same house. I knew this was coming due to my sister telling me how bad things were and also my grown up nieces.

Just to give some background, they have been together for over 30 years and for at least 25 of those years they seemed happy and content. Nearly always together unless they were working and focusing on their family. I never had any clue anything could be wrong but of course that is often the case.

I replied to say I’m sorry to hear about the divorce but I think it is for the best so they can both move on and find happiness. I said try not to be bitter about it as it doesn’t help matters and to think of his mental heath. (I know he isn’t in a good place mentally).

Shortly after I sent that reply he went on to say that my sister had been bringing men back to the house and she had done it again recently and that was why he couldn’t take any more. He attached 2 video’s, I didn’t watch them but could see from the picture on each video that it was my sister with a man and one of them showed she was half dressed. I’ve deleted them and told him this and said I don’t want to be in the middle of this and want to support them both through the divorce.

I really believe that there is much more to all this than first impressions which I admit don’t look good. But how many husband’s do you know would sit in their home and video his wife while she is doing things with another man? My BIL is a burly testosterone fuelled type and I just can’t imagine he would stand for that unless it’s something they might have done before in a kind of threesome or he watches type of thing. I have heard rumours from acquaintances who have said that they thought they might be swingers. I’m wondering now if he is recording so that he has ammunition against her for the divorce, but why not just go for a no fault divorce?

I really don’t want to judge, I just feel awful about the whole thing and sick to my stomach that he would find it appropriate to send me these videos of my sister. Who else has he sent them to? I know of at least one other person.
I just don’t know what to think or how to react. I don’t know whether to tell my sister. Like I say I just feel shell shocked really.

It doesn’t matter how the videos were filmed, what went on in the marriage—that is not anybody’s business. The only thing that matters here is the videos should not have been leaked.

@MySisToo - Thank you for sharing your story.

The more I’ve thought about it and spoken to my DH about it I think this BIL cuckold thing is a distinct possibility. I had never heard of the term before. Like I’ve said it just doesn’t add up to me that he is the wronged man here.
I do know that in the past 5 years BIL has had anger issues and their daughters have seen this. I don’t know if it has gone further than verbal abuse but when I talk to my sister I will ask her because I’m worried about her safety now.

I would speak to your Sister straight away .Something here feels a bit off to me .Not many men would stand by and film their wives In Flagrante with another man! He seems as PP have said above to be trying to discredit her name .

@DisorganisedPurpose

In any case reply and tell him he should on no account send such videos out. Illegal and immoral. By not replying it might look as though you are happy to have received them. When all this comes out your sister will want to know you supported her straight away and tried to put a stop to it straight away. And then you have to tell sister.

I did reply with two texts straight away saying there are two sides to every story and that I don’t want to get involved. I told him not to be bitter and get on with the divorce and both move on. In hindsight I wish I would have thought it through more before replying but I was in shock. My plan is to speak to my sister today and go from there. I will then go by what she wants, if she agrees I’ll text BIL and tell him to stop sending this stuff and that it is illegal. I don’t want to do this yet as I really need to take the lead from my sister now.

What I’m thinking is that his bloody phone needs smashing up into a million pieces and SIM card burnt but I know this won’t be the end of it and it’s not that simple. If he’s shared this stuff with others and potentially posted stuff online or backed it up somewhere this is a cluster fuck.

Maybe she made the video’s and he found them?

Interesting that this woman is bringing other men back to the family home to shag and he’s the one being slated here...

I would stay out of it, on both sides.

If he’s filming them then he’s out of line, but if she’s shagging other men under his roof then so is she.

You realise he is probably actively still sending these out to lots of people and putting these on the internet, and once out there they will be almost impossible to get rid of?

Why is this not an emergency to you OP??? The details of their marriage are none of your business or concern, but the fact that he is illegally distributing porn of your sister, should surely be something that merits the police and a conversation with your sister NOW.

@MySisToo

Thanks *@msflibble*

@Pineapplesandflamingoes I think PP are right - you have to tell your sister as soon as possible. Be led by her, but I think she should seriously consider getting the police involved at this point.

But beware (I speak from personal experience, as I said) - your sister will be a mess of conflicting emotions - anger, shame, residual loyalty to him, worries about what her daughters will think. She will also (if I'm right about the coercive control element, and I'd put good money on it) have her self confidence and self belief in absolute shreds because he will totally have done a number on her.

So she may well not react to this in a rational way (who would?) Nonetheless I think you have to tell her.

Yes thank you, I feel that she will be completely torn, her first thought will be for their daughter’s I know it will. I will tread carefully, I literally don’t know how to find the words but I know I have to. At least I have more knowledge now thanks to this thread, I can tell her that support is out there and he is the one in the wrong for sending these videos. Whatever was happening at the time or in the past between them it does not mean she has agreed to him doing this. I will be telling her later after she’s finished work.

@AlternativePerspective

Maybe she made the video’s and he found them?

Interesting that this woman is bringing other men back to the family home to shag and he’s the one being slated here...

I would stay out of it, on both sides.

If he’s filming them then he’s out of line, but if she’s shagging other men under his roof then so is she.

IT. IS. A. LITERAL. CRIME.

She can shag the whole world, that is not anyones business. He is illegally spreading revenge porn. Christ, it’s not “staying out of it” it’s failing to report an active crime.

My ex made a point of getting to all my closest relatives with lies about me supposedly sleeping around. He even managed to turn my dad against me for a while there. He didn't want his dirty secrets about the real reason we broke up getting out. So he made out I was this terrible person meeting strangers for sex in public places! So that if I ever dared tell anyone what he did he could say "she's only saying that because I outed her for the whore she is"

Shockingly (especially my dad) believed him! But not my duster. She always had my back and came straight to me when he started his pathetic game.

Hope you can be there for your sister x

@AlternativePerspective

Maybe she made the video’s and he found them?

Interesting that this woman is bringing other men back to the family home to shag and he’s the one being slated here...

I would stay out of it, on both sides.

If he’s filming them then he’s out of line, but if she’s shagging other men under his roof then so is she.

In my view it would be impossible for him not to know. I believe he is actively involved in this. BIL is being slated here because he thinks it is acceptable to send these videos to his SIL I can’t stay out of it, he has made it my business and he is now partaking in criminal activity.

@12309845653ghydrvj

You realise he is probably actively still sending these out to lots of people and putting these on the internet, and once out there they will be almost impossible to get rid of?

Why is this not an emergency to you OP??? The details of their marriage are none of your business or concern, but the fact that he is illegally distributing porn of your sister, should surely be something that merits the police and a conversation with your sister NOW.

This is an emergency to me. But I can’t just jump in feet first without getting my head together. My sister has a difficult job which she needs to keep and me telling her now whilst she is at work will not help her.

Seriously OP stop wasting time thinking about your sister’s sex life and deal with the situation!!! The details of who she’s fucked and under what circumstances are NONE of your business and totally irrelevant to an active, unfolding situation.

You have time to stop him from making this worse for her. He’s probably going to send them to parents, friends, employers, children next. YOU can stop this by involving the police NOW, rather than chatting sex and the city with misogynists!

HE WILL BE SENDING THESE TO HER WORK!!! They may already be in a work inbox! Or they’ll be sent today! It is time sensitive!

@blissfulllife - I’m sorry to hear your experiences. I do hope life is much better for you now.
I think BIL was hoping I would side with him but it has spectacularly backfired on him. I can’t get over how vile he is being.

@12309845653ghydrvj

HE WILL BE SENDING THESE TO HER WORK!!! They may already be in a work inbox! Or they’ll be sent today! It is time sensitive!

As others have said he may have sent that text to several other people at the same time. If so, me talking to her now will not change that. I now know he has previously shown someone else a video. I will talk to her tonight after she’s finished work. If she was distressed and he had already done something like that she would have spoken to me by now or her daughters and they would have told me. BTW I’m not chatting sex and the city, PP on this thread have overwhelmingly been supportive and giving very sound advice. Helping me to see that this whole situation is likely to have a very complicated backstory.

BIL has definitely changed in the past 5 years. He was so close to their daughter’s before then he had a disagreement with one that could have been sorted out with a bit of effort on both sides. But it went on too long without them speaking and then neither would back down.
The other daughter tried to be the peacekeeper talking to each of them and in the end BIL stopped talking to her too. It was all so stupid and unnecessary. Since then everything has crumbled.

This to me just adds more weight to the possibility that he is a controlling abuser. Such men often turn on their daughters as they develop into women.

As hard as it must be, I think you need to watch the videos to determine just how explicit they are as that will help you clarify how likely they are that him sending them constitutes a criminal offence. Maybe you've seen enough already to be clear on that.

Contrary to some other posters, I would urge you not to warn off your BIL or engage with him in anyway. If he is an abusive controller you will not change him and you simply risk him manipulating you or using whatever information you inadvertently give him as ammunition in his campaign against your sister.

Speak to your sister and niece(s) gently and if the videos do appear to constitute a criminal offence then try and get her blessing for you to report him to the police. I would also encourage her to contact Women's Aid if you do get the sense that she is indeed the victim of abuse.

@TooTrueToBeGood - Thank you for your advice.
When I was retrieving the video’s last night I then tried to see if I could find out when they were recorded and one of them started playing so since I first posted I have seen the first few seconds. It looks like it was a sex act but as I say I didn’t see the whole thing. I wasn’t able to see when it was recorded.
I have thought again about speaking to BIL and I think you are right it could just make matters worse. For all I know he could have been an abuser for all these years and this is his final act of revenge.

Thank you again to everyone for all your advice. I appreciate all the viewpoints and hope you can understand this feels like a massive weight on my shoulders. Knowing I’ve got to tell my sister and not knowing how she will react and what asshole BIL will do next is frightening.
I’ve got to go now but will try and update later.

This to me just adds more weight to the possibility that he is a controlling abuser. Such men often turn on their daughters as they develop into women.

Yes, this matches my own experience.

OP, I hope you're able to support your sister and nieces. Perhaps you could talk to the niece who's supporting her mum with advice, etc, as well as your sister. Not to go into detail, but if your sister is as fragile as you think, then supporting this niece, who is in the thick of it, in getting the right advice, and so she knows she has help if needed, will also help your sister.

I think you need to calmly and matter of factly speak to your sister ASAP. Encourage her to go to the police about this because I have no doubt his behaviour will escalate and if he doesn’t get the reaction from you, he will want it from someone. Whether they swing or not, she consented to the video or not, your sister is now the victim of revenge porn.

I wouldn’t be interested in supporting BIL or responding to anything he sends from now. It should all be about looking after your sister now.

Interesting that this woman is bringing other men back to the family home to shag and he’s the one being slated here

I agree with PP's that he probably was there- she wasn't cheating on him, he said he wanted to film that. It's not a completely unknown fetish.As it looks like it's filmed from the sofa he probably was present.

And @AlternativePerspective However he's arrived at the footage, him sharing it is illegal.

@AlternativePerspective

Maybe she made the video’s and he found them?

Interesting that this woman is bringing other men back to the family home to shag and he’s the one being slated here...

I would stay out of it, on both sides.

If he’s filming them then he’s out of line, but if she’s shagging other men under his roof then so is she.

Him sending the video to her sister is a crime. It's illegal. It's against the law. It came from his phone to her sisters, so he could not deny this if arrested and charged. It is a crime. Not sure what people are failing to grasp about that.

Some disgusting victim blaming on this thread, even if OP's DS was cheating, it's irrelevant, he has committed a crime against her both morally and legally.

@MandosHatHair

Some disgusting victim blaming on this thread, even if OP's DS was cheating, it's irrelevant, he has committed a crime against her both morally and legally.

Entirely agree, there are some really vile comments on here. What happened is not ok, the background details are irrelevant.

@MandosHatHair

Some disgusting victim blaming on this thread, even if OP's DS was cheating, it's irrelevant, he has committed a crime against her both morally and legally.

You’re right there. Though personally if it were my partner who’d filmed himself having sex with other women in our living room I’d be sending that video everywhere, to hell the consequences.

I don’t actually think that’s what happened here though.