Shell shocked by what BIL has texted me

[Pineapplesandflamingoes]

This is a weird one I know. I am a regular mumsnetter and recently changed my username but this is genuine. I have only changed a couple of details about the family set up just in case it could be outing but otherwise this is what has happened.

I’m shell shocked because a week ago my BIL texted me to say he is divorcing my sister because he couldn’t take any more. The marriage has become completely toxic over the years and they have largely been living separate lives in the same house. I knew this was coming due to my sister telling me how bad things were and also my grown up nieces.

Just to give some background, they have been together for over 30 years and for at least 25 of those years they seemed happy and content. Nearly always together unless they were working and focusing on their family. I never had any clue anything could be wrong but of course that is often the case.

I replied to say I’m sorry to hear about the divorce but I think it is for the best so they can both move on and find happiness. I said try not to be bitter about it as it doesn’t help matters and to think of his mental heath. (I know he isn’t in a good place mentally).

Shortly after I sent that reply he went on to say that my sister had been bringing men back to the house and she had done it again recently and that was why he couldn’t take any more. He attached 2 video’s, I didn’t watch them but could see from the picture on each video that it was my sister with a man and one of them showed she was half dressed. I’ve deleted them and told him this and said I don’t want to be in the middle of this and want to support them both through the divorce.

I really believe that there is much more to all this than first impressions which I admit don’t look good. But how many husband’s do you know would sit in their home and video his wife while she is doing things with another man? My BIL is a burly testosterone fuelled type and I just can’t imagine he would stand for that unless it’s something they might have done before in a kind of threesome or he watches type of thing. I have heard rumours from acquaintances who have said that they thought they might be swingers. I’m wondering now if he is recording so that he has ammunition against her for the divorce, but why not just go for a no fault divorce?

I really don’t want to judge, I just feel awful about the whole thing and sick to my stomach that he would find it appropriate to send me these videos of my sister. Who else has he sent them to? I know of at least one other person.
I just don’t know what to think or how to react. I don’t know whether to tell my sister. Like I say I just feel shell shocked really.

I had a similar situation to this, only with no videos, just the ex-h talking trash (probably he was telling the truth, certainly I didn't care).

I'd suggest telling him that you aren't interested in whether your sister was a great wife, she's still your sister. Even if she cheated, it wasn't you she cheated on.

I'd also suggest keeping the videos as evidence of his wrong-doing, but don't be in a hurry to tell your sister. You don't know the context of her being filmed and she will certainly be humiliated and distressed to know you've seen them.

Filming without permission where the subject should expect privacy (so being nude etc) and sending 'revenge porn' are both against the law. He's disgusting.

THIS ^

Filming to get evidence to confirm your own suspicions is one thing (and you need only one confirmatory video for that). I believe (though Imay be wrong) that is s legal to record/film someone without their knowledge,but that you cannot make such recordings available to a third party - so if he had suspicions of infidelity, he can confirm them, but can't show the film to anyone else - and that includes a court.

Distributing these recordings IS illegal. Stand by your sister - you haven't heard her side of this story. I agree with others that he is trying to undermine any family support she might otherwise have.

Sounds like he has it as evidence so your sister will get nothing in the divorce that will be his main goal
In the UK, fault makes no difference to divorce settlements.

Op said he appeared to be filming in the same room, so the chances are that this was agreed between them as either a cuckold/hotwife thing or swinging, and he's purely doing this out of spite.

He has sent this to at least one other person? How do you know?

Why on earth would you not tell your sister this? Of course you must.

And the PP is right: this is revenge porn, and illegal. He needs to be swapped.

SO WHAT if they did threesomes or whatever, plenty of people do, no need to judge.

What is not acceptable is what your BIL is doing.

Cop on fast and protect your sister.

However. Really???

God your poor sister.

What I would do is
Phone her, tell her I need to meet her urgently without BIL knowing. (Phone not text so you know its not him on her phone)

Print off info about revenge porn offences.

Meet her, have the difficult conversation about it.

Encourage her to go to the police with you.

I really feel she is in a dangerous situation with them both in the same house right now.

Good luck.

I’m a bit that you havnt told your sister he has sent you these videos. Where is your loyalty?

( if this is true..)

No matter what the situation is between them, what in actual fuck does he think he's doing sending this shit to you, her sister? The fact that he doesn't seem to understand how inappropriate and wrong this is is a big red flag.

What he has done is illegal

@Nyclair

Exactly my thought. Everyone is so quick to demonize the BIL perhaps he is just gathering evidence to support her unreasonable and unacceptable behavior.

Well that would be bad, would it not?

Erm, you need to tell her asap and go to the police!
Who knows where hes sending these videos to.
Why did you tell him you'd support him?!

@Kalula

Wait...this site often advises women who suspect cheating to get proof. I've seen hidden cameras mentioned on here before. For proof in a divorce case. Why hasn't anyone on here thought that it was hidden cameras planted, to get evidence? And if this is the case, how does this make the BIL the bad guy? If the genders were reversed, and the wife had the hidden cameras, we'd be supporting her. It does sound like your sister has been bringing men into his marital home he shares with her and having sex with other men, you have to be realistic as to how your sister looks, and it's not good. Maybe he shouldn't have forwarded you the clips from the camera, but he is taking steps to protect himself for the divorce and collecting evidence. That does not make him the bad guy. Nor does it make a woman who is being cheated on bad either for collecting evidence to protect herself.

Pretty much what I was going to post.

Change the sexes and the answers would be VERY different.

You don’t need “to support them both through the divorce”. She is your sister. She is your family.

What's the rubbish about "protecting himself" in a divorce? Fault makes no difference to settlements in a divorce in the UK.

Hidden camera in a public place (ie not the bedroom or bathroom)... just about morally OK, if the goal is purely to gather whatever proof you think you need (for your own mental certainty only) to end things

Although, if you’re hiding cameras in the first place, the trust is too far gone and you should be ending things anyway.

Taking the footage of your naked or semi naked partner and distributing it, to anybody else for ANY reason, is definitely not OK, regardless of whether it’s a man or woman doing it. There’s a reason why it’s an offence and I don’t believe that many posters on this site would advocate it.

Exactly my thought. Everyone is so quick to demonize the BIL perhaps he is just gathering evidence to support her unreasonable and unacceptable behavior

He's not 'just gathering evidence' is he? He's sent the videos of her having sex to her sister! Can you imagine the humiliation of finding out your close relative has recieved a video of you having sex? The video proves nothing anyway, they may be swingers etc.
Your brother in law sounds like a vile piece of shit, he is trying to humiliate her and alienate her from her family. What he is done is illegal and I hope your sister gets far away from him ASAP.

Wow just wow can you imagine if wife filmed DH with someone else. There would be round of applause on here for her getting proof and to kick her out.
He's done it and mums net make him an abusive twat .
Keep out of it chances are she will come to you as the injured party saying it was all him and he's just getting there first.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors and yes this thing does happen where one partner bring another one in . Men do put up with this as if they leave the wife keeps kids on house and they have fuck all many stay for that reason.
You said they have lived separate lives may of had arrangement to shag who ever they wanted.
One thing this does prove is theres loads you don't know so would not get involved.

'Always taking the high ground and everybody else being in the wrong'
If she has done what he's said, then I don't blame her. Men like this are horrible and it is unbearable to be in a relationship with them.

Digital videos and photos will be date and time stamped so there will be and indication of whether they are old or recent. You should be able to see that without having to watch them. It will also tell you if they have been modified, And when, but not what was modified.

@Kalula

Wait...this site often advises women who suspect cheating to get proof. I've seen hidden cameras mentioned on here before. For proof in a divorce case. Why hasn't anyone on here thought that it was hidden cameras planted, to get evidence? And if this is the case, how does this make the BIL the bad guy? If the genders were reversed, and the wife had the hidden cameras, we'd be supporting her. It does sound like your sister has been bringing men into his marital home he shares with her and having sex with other men, you have to be realistic as to how your sister looks, and it's not good. Maybe he shouldn't have forwarded you the clips from the camera, but he is taking steps to protect himself for the divorce and collecting evidence. That does not make him the bad guy. Nor does it make a woman who is being cheated on bad either for collecting evidence to protect herself.

I’ve never seen anyone on this site suggest you need proof of cheating. Quite the opposite. I can’t think of a situation when proof is needed.

Don't support them both through this. Family.

He shouldn't have passed the videos on to you, but I'm guessing he maybe did that while angry and thinking you wouldn't believe him. But he still shouldn't have done it, they are for his solicitors only.

Like a pp though, why is it so awful that he did this, yet a woman could take videos if her partner cheating and you'd all be OK with it? You could say in that situation too that she agreed for him to have sex with another woman as part of swinging, same as what others are saying here about him.

He needed evidence his wife was cheating, he's got it. If he uses that against her, she's now fairly screwed in the divorce. Of course the evidence of revenge porn is now going to complicate the situation.

You must tell your sister and support her. He has been in your life for decades so it is understandable that you may feel you want to support him too. But by sending you two inappropriate videos of your sister he has behaved very badly, and stupidly. I think it is your sister's call what to do next but she cannot decide if she doesn't know what he has done.

Good luck. stay strong.

Wow just wow can you imagine if wife filmed DH with someone else. There would be round of applause on here for her getting proof and to kick her out.
He's done it and mums net make him an abusive twat .

He hasn't filmed her to confirm his suspicions before chucking her out, he's sent the video to her relatives! I think if a woman posted about that she would be told that she has committed an offence with a few 'are you on glue?' responses thrown in.

OP this will be really messy. Don't even try to support both your sister and your BIL through this, you cant. I think you need to support your sister in this, if he is capable of this level of vindictiveness, I think your sister will probably have a few shocking secrets to reveal about her seemingly happy marriage.

@msflibble

No matter what the situation is between them, what in actual fuck does he think he's doing sending this shit to you, her sister? The fact that he doesn't seem to understand how inappropriate and wrong this is is a big red flag.

During messy break-ups - and staying in the same house for whatever reason during this time must be incredibly stressful. - people do and say stupid inappropriate things. He may be having a mental breakdown because of the situation causing him to not think straight and take these inappropriate actions. Proceed with caution OP.

I can’t think of a situation when proof is needed.

You often find that someone is desperate to prove infidelity, because they're being gaslighted and feel they're going bonkers. But that does not entail sending anything to the in-laws. And I always recommend that if the trust has gone, then it really doesn't matter, it's done. Policing and checking up on your partner means it's fucked.

No one sensible would condone sending the proof to other parties, particularly the in-laws.