Shell shocked by what BIL has texted me

[Pineapplesandflamingoes]

This is a weird one I know. I am a regular mumsnetter and recently changed my username but this is genuine. I have only changed a couple of details about the family set up just in case it could be outing but otherwise this is what has happened.

I’m shell shocked because a week ago my BIL texted me to say he is divorcing my sister because he couldn’t take any more. The marriage has become completely toxic over the years and they have largely been living separate lives in the same house. I knew this was coming due to my sister telling me how bad things were and also my grown up nieces.

Just to give some background, they have been together for over 30 years and for at least 25 of those years they seemed happy and content. Nearly always together unless they were working and focusing on their family. I never had any clue anything could be wrong but of course that is often the case.

I replied to say I’m sorry to hear about the divorce but I think it is for the best so they can both move on and find happiness. I said try not to be bitter about it as it doesn’t help matters and to think of his mental heath. (I know he isn’t in a good place mentally).

Shortly after I sent that reply he went on to say that my sister had been bringing men back to the house and she had done it again recently and that was why he couldn’t take any more. He attached 2 video’s, I didn’t watch them but could see from the picture on each video that it was my sister with a man and one of them showed she was half dressed. I’ve deleted them and told him this and said I don’t want to be in the middle of this and want to support them both through the divorce.

I really believe that there is much more to all this than first impressions which I admit don’t look good. But how many husband’s do you know would sit in their home and video his wife while she is doing things with another man? My BIL is a burly testosterone fuelled type and I just can’t imagine he would stand for that unless it’s something they might have done before in a kind of threesome or he watches type of thing. I have heard rumours from acquaintances who have said that they thought they might be swingers. I’m wondering now if he is recording so that he has ammunition against her for the divorce, but why not just go for a no fault divorce?

I really don’t want to judge, I just feel awful about the whole thing and sick to my stomach that he would find it appropriate to send me these videos of my sister. Who else has he sent them to? I know of at least one other person.
I just don’t know what to think or how to react. I don’t know whether to tell my sister. Like I say I just feel shell shocked really.

You’re right there. Though personally if it were my partner who’d filmed himself having sex with other women in our living room I’d be sending that video everywhere, to hell the consequences.

Even though it's a crime you would be charged, prosecuted and have a criminal record for if anyone reported you? Really?

Seriously @Scweltish? It’s a crime, and this sort of stuff can run in people’s lives!

I'd be informing your sister of what he was doing and encouraging her to go to the police

And say what? My husband has been filming videos in his own home? Perhaps it might be better to tell the sister to stop bringing men home.

Just a thought.

@Dawnlassie

I'd be informing your sister of what he was doing and encouraging her to go to the police

And say what? My husband has been filming videos in his own home? Perhaps it might be better to tell the sister to stop bringing men home.

Just a thought.

No, informing the police that he'd got hold of those videos and was sharing them with third parties without her knowledge or consent, which is revenge porn and is a criminal offence.

@12309845653ghydrvj

Seriously *@Scweltish*? It’s a crime, and this sort of stuff can run in people’s lives!

Cheating also ruins people’s lives. If my partner was shagging other women in my house, he’d have a lot more to worry about than leaked videos. Like I said, I think there’s a lot more to this story than what the bil is saying, I don’t believe half the people on here though that they’d be above getting revenge on a cheating partner

I don’t believe half the people on here though that they’d be above getting revenge on a cheating partner

Most people wouldn't send videos of their cheating partner to their friends, family and / or workplace. Their really wouldnt. Because it's an utterly stupid thing to do that would land you with a criminal record if any of those people reported it. People speak badly about cheaters, bash them and tell others what they've done. Most people do that. Not break the law.

they really wouldn't, not their

To be clear by "bash" them I meant talk badly about them not physically bash them!

I recently had the misfortune of seeing some cuckold porn. I clicked off, but the face of the woman made me so sad. I don't think many women enjoy it, it's all about the husband's fantasies.

@MulticolourMophead

I recently had the misfortune of seeing some cuckold porn. I clicked off, but the face of the woman made me so sad. I don't think many women enjoy it, it's all about the husband's fantasies.

My experience of friends going through this has left me very wary of the whole "polyamory/open marriage/kink" scene. I'm far from convinced it is the haven of informed consent, lack of negative emotions like jealousy, and open exchange of fantasy its proponents claim it to be. Every time I see the phrase "open relationship" I wonder how much coercive control is going on behind the scenes.

It's all about the husband fantasies
I agree, he gets off on feeling as if he owns the woman and can lend her out to other people as he pleases, I know that's not always the exact scenario but it's about seeing her as an object to be used and controlled

[quote Pineapplesandflamingoes]@blissfulllife - I’m sorry to hear your experiences. I do hope life is much better for you now.
I think BIL was hoping I would side with him but it has spectacularly backfired on him. I can’t get over how vile he is being.[/quote]
The alpha male types are very prone to overplaying their hands, seeing themselves as always and inherently in the right, refusing to be accountable for their actions, never accepting blame etc, the anger interferes with their ability to effectively strategize, unable to see far enough ahead they go for the short-term gain

I think regardless if she's been having an affair, or it was consensual, or it's an old video, there is no reason for him to share these with your or anyone else. What an awful thing to do!

Some people do need proof of affairs, but keep this proof to yourself. This reeks of him trying to alienate her from friends and family and to try to embarrass and ruin her!

If he has sent it to other people he could find himself in very hot water with the police.

@Pineapplesandflamingoes

I should say the pictures show this was happening in the living room and the angle looks like it is recorded from the sofa so I’m not sure where he would hide a camera. This appears to be at night time because the lights are on and so I think he was there but obviously don’t know for sure.

The hidden camera angle was my first thought, however, is it possible that he coerced her into performing for him, and is now using it against her?

When you say you deleted them, have they "gone" gone? Because him sending them to you is evidence he is distributing revenge porn in order to discredit her, and turn her support network against her.

@Dawnlassie

I'd be informing your sister of what he was doing and encouraging her to go to the police

And say what? My husband has been filming videos in his own home? Perhaps it might be better to tell the sister to stop bringing men home.

Just a thought.

IT IS ILLEGAL. IT IS A CRIME.

@Pineapplesandflamingoes

Sh05 - Thank you for the advice I have found them exactly where you said. I’ve saved them into a separate folder.

Opps... just saw that someone had mentioned it already! Good!!

WOW am I seriously in the minority for saying it’s not ok to CRIMINALLY release revenge porn to humiliate a partner and potentially ruin their career?!?! Regallrdless of what they did, there are basic red lines. Yes I would judge anyone who does this under any circumstances, and I would never want to enter into a relationship with anyone who thinks it might be ok. End of.

There’s a reason it’s a crime!! Am affair is a bad thing, but it’s between the couple to either deal with or break up. It does NOT, under any circumstances, give you the right to do this.

@12309845653ghydrvj

WOW am I seriously in the minority for saying it’s not ok to CRIMINALLY release revenge porn to humiliate a partner and potentially ruin their career?!?! Regallrdless of what they did, there are basic red lines. Yes I would judge anyone who does this under any circumstances, and I would never want to enter into a relationship with anyone who thinks it might be ok. End of.

There’s a reason it’s a crime!! Am affair is a bad thing, but it’s between the couple to either deal with or break up. It does NOT, under any circumstances, give you the right to do this.

No, you’re not. The vast majority of the replies have said the exact same thing

@Dawnlassie

I'd be informing your sister of what he was doing and encouraging her to go to the police

And say what? My husband has been filming videos in his own home? Perhaps it might be better to tell the sister to stop bringing men home.

Just a thought.

Just did some google research out of interest, and he’d barely get a slap on the wrist. There is a maximum two year prison sentence for revenge porn, no one seems to get it though. To get any sentence at all you’d need to have filmed actual genitals/clear sex acts, and then made and distributed hard copies/set up websites and fake social media accounts to share the videos, then repeatedly ignored police warnings to take them down. If I was the bil I wouldn’t be worried about sending a video of a cheating spouse to a relative, especially if the footage was actually filmed with his wife’s consent

If I was the bil I wouldn’t be worried about sending a video of a cheating spouse to a relative, especially if the footage was actually filmed with his wife’s consent

Well then you'd be extremely foolish.

Consent to being filmed does not equal consent for it to be shared!

Why is that hard to understand?

And with her own sister!

If someone consents to anything in private it does not mean they consent to it being public.

The victim blaming from some posters is unreal but thankfully many people are reasonable and understand how stupid it would be to get a criminal record for sharing images of your partner / ex partner having sex.

It's a disgusting thing to do. And it's a crime. It's illegal.

Loads of us get cheated on, it doesn't give us carte blanche to break the law.

There are some funny old posters on MN recently - just seem to antagonise, derail with a tangent point - always about gender but not holding any weight to the actual issue. I am all for calling out sexism both ways but it seems that often it is not justified but has had the effect of distracting everyone from the issue on the thread. Maybe we could just say DP and they - so that can’t be derailed

@newnameforthis123

If I was the bil I wouldn’t be worried about sending a video of a cheating spouse to a relative, especially if the footage was actually filmed with his wife’s consent

Well then you'd be extremely foolish.

Consent to being filmed does not equal consent for it to be shared!

Why is that hard to understand?

And with her own sister!

If someone consents to anything in private it does not mean they consent to it being public.

The victim blaming from some posters is unreal but thankfully many people are reasonable and understand how stupid it would be to get a criminal record for sharing images of your partner / ex partner having sex.

It's a disgusting thing to do. And it's a crime. It's illegal.

Loads of us get cheated on, it doesn't give us carte blanche to break the law.

But who is the victim? I never said consent to be filmed gives consent to be shared? It doesn’t. I’m saying it’s a less serious crime. As it is I follow my own moral compass rather than the law. Adultery is a serious crime in many countries around the world, with extremely serious sentences, I wish it was the same in the U.K. I’ve been a victim of a few serious crimes, none of them come close to what I went through when I found out my oh was cheating on me a few years ago. If what the bil is saying is true, then I’d consider him more of a victim than his wife. I don’t think some things are more morally wrong than others because U.K. law say so

Adultery is a serious crime in many countries around the world, with extremely serious sentences, I wish it was the same in the U.K.

Wow. Then there's no point discussing it I guess because that precedent is so ridiculous. You realise the law in such countries doesn't recognise nuance?

Someone abused who met someone outside of their marriage but was terrified to leave, dragged back, beaten etc is punished the same as someone who just shags around behind their partners back. In some countries married women raped by someone outside the marriage have been punished.

You follow your own moral compass rather than the law? Even if something could land you a prison sentence or a very limiting criminal record? If you're a parent hopefully you don't mean that literally as you'd be putting revenge over your children not seeing their mother.

I would like terrible things to happen to the man who raped me. Would I go to jail and give up my life for it and go to prison? No. Because that would be stupid of me. He would 'deserve' it but I would be ruining my life and ultimately punishing myself for someone else's wrongdoing. It's foolish and not constructive. Instead I fight for harsher sentences, for the law to punish accordingly which it doesn't at the moment,

Christ, I'm glad it isn't. You know that women generally suffer far more under those sort of laws? And the last thing we need is the government and judiciary sticking their noses into the bedroom.

Adultery is a serious crime in many countries around the world, with extremely serious sentences, I wish it was the same in the U.K.

That's got to be one of the most chillingly horrible things I've ever read on here. You do realise, don't you, that the sort of country where this is typically true is the sort of country where women get stoned to death for adultery?