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Original poster

Marriage - will he change his mind?

188 replies

holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:12

I've been with DP for a year, we are now talking about moving in together. However, he has always hinted that he doesn't want to get married. We spoke about it early on, but as we disagreed I said best to wait a few years before even having the conversation... Stupid in hindsight.

I really want to get married, I know it's not for everyone but it's important to me. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience with a partner who said he didn't want to get married but ended up changing his mind? I can't decide whether to move in and continue to see how it goes, if this is a normal male thing to say, or have a serious chat with him.

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 18/09/2020 13:14

No. You're wasting your time. Do not move in with him if marriage is what you want as you are not on the same page. Tell him what you want. If he doesn't agree, be a grown up, accept that you are incompatible and move on. Don't be a fool.

Original poster
holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:16

I guess I'm just thinking that if I give him an ultimatum this early on then it will scare him off and he'll automatically say no, whereas if we get further down the line he'll be more up for it.

OP posts:
cyclemania · 18/09/2020 13:19

Oh dear. You’ll waste all that time. How old are you?

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 18/09/2020 13:20

@holdmysocks

I guess I'm just thinking that if I give him an ultimatum this early on then it will scare him off and he'll automatically say no, whereas if we get further down the line he'll be more up for it.
You guess wrong. The threads on here from foolish women who thought the same are legion. That's an immature and silly way to go about having an adult relationship. You are not compatible with this person. You don't want the same things. Have a grown up conversation about your values and respect your own and his boundaries.
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2020 13:21

How old are you both? Do you want children, does he?

A year in is plenty of time to discuss where you both see it going long term and in the nicest possible way you’d be mad to assume you can talk him around or change his mind. He’s told you how he feels, you have to respect that. How would you feel if he was considering moving in together so can change your mind? A man who wants to get married, specifically to you, will say so. No good can come of waiting to have a proper talk about something this important and marriage and children are the two great non-negotiables. Be very clear now what you want, what he wants and if you’re on the same page. If you’re not at least you’ve only wasted a year. You won’t find someone who shares your dreams if you stay with someone you know doesn’t.

sunsalutations · 18/09/2020 13:22

Maybe he doesn't want the the big wedding day? You need to talk to him about why

Mintjulia · 18/09/2020 13:23

No, he won't change his mind, or if he does, he can do it just as easily from his own flat.

Be honest about what you want, and don't move in with him. Sorry.

BlokeHereInPeace · 18/09/2020 13:23

Why will he be more up for it?

Deadringer · 18/09/2020 13:28

Before you move in with him, tell him that you want to get married by a certain time frame. It's important to you, and you are perfectly entitled to prioritise the things you want in life. If he doesn't want this fair enough that's his choice, but i wouldn't be planning a life with someone who wants different things from me. Please don't spend years hoping he will decide he wants to marry you, it will grind you down and you deserve better.

Sicario · 18/09/2020 13:28

One of my friends waited 15 years for him to propose. He never did.

When a man tells you he doesn't want to get married. Believe him.

Original poster
holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:28

I'm 24 and he's 31.

OP posts:
Lockdownseperation · 18/09/2020 13:30

My friend was in this situation. 15 years and one child later he left her and was engaged to someone else and planning his wedding within a year.

Original poster
holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:31

BlokeHereInPeace I suppose because once we've lived together for a bit and are a proper team he wouldn't find the prospect so scary? His mum went through a messy divorce so that's what's putting him off from what I gather, and his dad has never been married so it's not really something that's expected in his family.

I don't doubt his commitment, just that he doesn't want/need to seal it with marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:32

Lockdownseperation Yes I've heard a lot of those stories unfortunately. I can't put myself in that situation. I will definitely have the conversation with him before moving in, you are all right.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 18/09/2020 13:33

Why would he want to get married after you've moved in? He'd use the it's just a piece of paper excuse. Getting engaged means bugger all without setting a date.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 18/09/2020 13:33

You suppose wrong. He doesn't want to get married. Grow up and move on! You sound like my teenager, but even she's grown up enough to ask people point blank about their values if she's dating them, talk and if they are not compatible, move on.

LilaButterfly · 18/09/2020 13:34

My best friend was dating a guy who didnt want to get married, have kids etc. She desperately wanted to have children, bit in the end decided she will give the relationship a try and she will give up her dream for the guy if she has to. This was after dating him for 6 months or so.
She was certain, that she preferred to be with him without marriage and kids, than to be without him.
He did change his mind a few months later, proposed on their 2 year anniversary, they bought a house, got married and shes pregnant now.
So for her there was a happy end.
Its not always like this though. I think you have to make the decision based on whether you can imagine being with him without marriage.
If you decide to stay with him and hope he changes his mind it will most likely end badly.

Getitdonesharpish · 18/09/2020 13:36

holdmysocks, ask him not us. My partner intimated early on that he wasn’t interested in marriage. The relationship continued, we had three kids together and 18 years later are very happy. Last year it started to bother me that we weren’t married and so I told him I wanted to get married and he agreed. It had become the elephant in the room and all that I had really needed to do was communicate with him. None of us here know you boyfriends intentions and you need to have a frank conversation where you make it clear that he needs to be honest rather than save your feelings xx

Florencex · 18/09/2020 13:36

I wouldn’t move in with a man that has already told me that he doesn’t want marriage, I can see no point in that. My now DH moved into my owned flat not that long after we first met and after that we rented a place together. I would not have considered buying a house with him before marriage.

Original poster
holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:37

Thank you to everyone who managed to give their opinion without being rude Smile

I hope your day gets better, @Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

OP posts:
AnotherBoredOne · 18/09/2020 13:38

20 plus years and not married.
I have wanted
Not now
Makes me sad actually.
So my advice do not move in until you are married, if it's important to you then it should be important for him too

Fefifofaff · 18/09/2020 13:39

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper, it is a contractual agreement that provides both of you with rights and obligations. This becomes crucial when having children, as 99% of the time it's the mother who takes a huge hit to earning potential. If you are not married you have no right to support or assets in that situation. The child does, but plenty of men seem to ignore those obligations.

It is a well trodden path to disaster. The only difference here is that your DP is being honest about it and not stringing you along.

Tell him that you require marriage before having children for the financial reasons. Either he'll say yes (and then actually do it, don't just be content with a ring) in which case great, sorted. Or he'll say no and then you'll know that his freedom, both physical and financial, is more important than you and any future children's wellbeing. In which case, end it.

There are a lot of men out there. Find one who had the same priorities as you if this one doesn't.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 18/09/2020 13:39

I have never wanted to get married however myself & DP were due to get married this year.

What changed my mind? we've been together 15 years & own a house together and as we're not getting any older it will just make life easier if something were to happen to one of us

In my book buying a house together is more commitment than a piece of paper, but there are also no children involved in our decision

user15369525797567 · 18/09/2020 13:41

Being passive aggressive is pretty rude.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 18/09/2020 13:42

@holdmysocks

Thank you to everyone who managed to give their opinion without being rude Smile

I hope your day gets better, @Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

It's going great but with your well wishes I'll buy a EuroMil ticket, things can only go up. Been married for 20 years now.
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