Marriage - will he change his mind?

[holdmysocks]

I've been with DP for a year, we are now talking about moving in together. However, he has always hinted that he doesn't want to get married. We spoke about it early on, but as we disagreed I said best to wait a few years before even having the conversation... Stupid in hindsight.

I really want to get married, I know it's not for everyone but it's important to me. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience with a partner who said he didn't want to get married but ended up changing his mind? I can't decide whether to move in and continue to see how it goes, if this is a normal male thing to say, or have a serious chat with him.

....."Marriage isn’t for everyone and it isn’t the be all & end all."

That's good for you AgeLikeWIne

But it IS very important to the OP - which is the whole point of her thread.

@MaeveDidIt

Yes, I have read the OP.

I’m simply offering an alternative perspective, based on personal experience, to the one given already by countless married women. Some of us prefer to maintain a significant degree of personal and financial independence within a long-term relationship and have done so very successfully.

Most of the unmarried couples I meet through work get married after realising the iht implications. Irrelevant if your combined estate beneath £325k but otherwise- ouch.

@AgeLikeWine

You are failing to grasp how highly important marriage is to the OP.
I've been there and anything less just does not and would not cut it for a lot of deep-rooted reasons, and it was utterly miserable.

Yes, YOU are happy not being married, it obviously works very well for you as it does for lots of couples. Nothing wrong with that and good for you.

But it is NOT what holdmysocks wants (and good for her being wise to this at a young age).

We all have very different values and some are so deep-rooted they cannot and will not ever be changed, it's what makes us, us.

I have seen people many many people in my life compromising on this because they deeply love their partner and it has always ended up in misery with a lot of years wasted.

Don't move in. Your life goals aren't compatible. He'll probably drag his heels over having children too. You're young enough to find someone who wants what you want. Don't make life harder for yourself than it need be. I was in your position and I nearly lost everything due being with a commitment phobe from age 23-35.

@AgeLikeWine yes but neither of you want marriage. The OP does.

Me and DH have been married 40 years. We are still together because we love each other very much. We both strongly believe in marriage. We never lived together although I would have been ok with doing so for a short time.

It's not just "a bit of paper" to us. It is a commitment to each other that we made before friends and family to show how much we love and care about each other and that we intend to spend our lives together

Old fashioned men probably don't live together and certainly don't have a child without being married.

Rather than 'without being married', I would say that part of 'old fashioned-ness' would be to have a complete separation between women for marrying and women for 'fun'.

I'm very sorry for anyone finds themselves the wrong side of that divide for the relationship they wanted or thought they were having.

My DP changed his mind. His parents never married so he didn't find it important. I've always thought marriage was important even though I have a failed one already and my parents marriage was also a failure.
We've been together 2.5yrs and are now engaged. We now have a child, which is also something he said he didn't want.

My ex had plenty to say about feckless fathers. Didn't stop him becoming one.

If you are going to be financially dependent on your partner and have significant time off work potentially reducing your earning capacity and pension pot then I'd strongly recommend getting married.

The ones who are ever so old fashioned when it suits them whilst simultaneously enjoying premarital sex and cohabitation are always the ones to avoid.

Do you want kids? If you do and he won't get married you need to be financially secure yourself, no depending on him financially and becoming a sahm, seen way too many threads on here where women have supported partners careers whilst staying at home and looking after the dc, only to get screwed when divorcing.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

The ones who are ever so old fashioned when it suits them whilst simultaneously enjoying premarital sex and cohabitation are always the ones to avoid.

Advice I wish I'd had more than 30 years ago...

The ones who are ever so old fashioned when it suits them whilst simultaneously enjoying premarital sex and cohabitation are always the ones to avoid.

so very true 🌺