Page 2 | Marriage - will he change his mind?

Redwinestillfine · 18/09/2020 13:43

Op please don't move in with him. He is 31, old enough to know his mind. Have the conversation. Tell him it's a deal breaker. Don't be fobbed off with promises of him 'possibly' changing his mind or 'seeing how it goes'. If he doesn't want to get married to you and you want marriage, you need to look elsewhere. Moving in with him will just lead to you splitting up over the fact he still doesn't want to get married in a few years and you'll have wasted years of your life (or worse you'll have kids and he still won't marry you and you'll either be unhappy or leave and drag the kids into it). Best to walk away now.

FinallyHere · 18/09/2020 13:44

You have a choice, to find out now or waste years and then find out.

I'd ask him once and be ready to break up if the answer is no.

he wouldn't find the prospect so scary

He either wants to or doesn't. Don't sell yourself so short.

averythinline · 18/09/2020 13:45

He is 31 ..plenty old enough to know his own mind if he doesn't want to marry you and can't articulate why any more than his mum's divorce then he's not the one for you.

I'm not sure with civil partnerships but the legal consequences of marriage are significant in this country still.

Maybe think about what it is about marriage that is important to you..

Is it the day/the public celebration / recognition or is the legal impact...if the latter you could just do quick registry office number..

More communication is probably needed to work out the whys....but ultimately don't move in before its sorted

2bazookas · 18/09/2020 13:47

What you should be asking yourself is, are YOU likely to change your mind in future, decide you don't want marriage, family. lifetime commitment with one person.

If you think that's never going to happen, then why the hell are you chasing after him on the offchance he will change his mind to suit your wishes?  

He's made his view perfectly clear; this is not a longterm relationship; it's temporary. If you can't accept him as he is, then move on.

Annasgirl · 18/09/2020 13:50

If you wan marriage do not move in with him. I always wanted marriage and never lived with someone until DH - he also wanted marriage, we were engaged when we bought our house together and married 2 years later - did not have DC until after marriage.

If you want DC do not move in with him.

BTW, it is not that he doesn't want to marry - he might not want to marry you. This is OK - it is not a slight on you or him, many men string us along (I have been there) pretending to never want to marry and then split with us and marry someone else really quickly.

It is good that you know what you want - if he does not want the same thing, really it is better to move on than end up with DC and no legal rights.

Annasgirl · 18/09/2020 13:51

Sorry, if you want.

Isthisnothing · 18/09/2020 13:55

Yes - two friends. They broke up in their early twenties as he was never getting married or having kids. They now are happily married with four girls.

Also - me. My fiance was never getting married again, ever. Imagine my surprise when the diamond ring appeared. He is the most excited groom to be.

But for those two stories I know an absolute truckload of women who deluded themselves that he would change his mind, he didn't and went on and married someone else or never settled down.

Myself and my friend are firmly in the minority. Also, we believed them. I was gutted as we had a child and a house on the way. I assumed we would be getting married (silly silly silly). So when he told me he wasn't interested I had a decision to make. I did not progress with him based on the hope he would change his mind. I decided I was ok for the moment on what he proposed and I would see how I felt later. I was stunned when he proposed. In fact it really took a lot of thinking then to decide if I wanted to get married!

Likewise for my friend - she really missed her ex and they remained friends and tried other relationships. When they got back together she said she went in with her eyes open that it was just gonna be the two of them. Then he just casually mentioned one day he'd changed his mind and asked how she felt about starting a family.

But as I said, we are in the minority. I would not proceed with this man in the hope he will change his mind. He is old enough to know what he wants. Do not put yourself last, ever.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/09/2020 13:57

It's one thing to not be sure about whether you want to marry someone specific, it's another to be against the concept of marriage full stop. He sounds like the latter and you'll be taking a massive gamble by giving him all the perks of living like a married couple whilst expecting him to change his mind when he's already got everything he wants..

I was previously married, it went horribly wrong, and I told myself never again in a billion years. Then I met DH and knew pretty quickly I'd be open to the idea of getting married again. It sounds like your DP isn't compatible for the type of life you want in the long term.

MikeUniformMike · 18/09/2020 13:57

You need to have the discussion about where the relationship is going.

24 is young but why move in with him if you don't want the same out of life.

You mentioned scaring him off - says it all really.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 18/09/2020 13:57

You don't need to ask him, but you can set out your expectations. I was a similar age to you when I moved in with the now DH, although we'd been dating longer - complex long distance issues with jobs etc.

Anyway, I told him I wanted to either have a baby or be pregnant at 30, I didnt want to leave it later than that to start a family, but that I definitely wanted children. I also said I would want to be married to my child's father before getting pregnant (note, I specified "my child's father", I didn't say him!). I didn't push for an answer, but did say that any relationship, however wonderful, would have a shelf life if I wasn't moving towards what I wanted a couple of years before.

Anyway, we were engaged when I was 27, married at 28 and dc1 turned up when I was 30.

Theres an idea that it's unromantic to be clear about your expectations, I just think it means everyone knows what's expected and can decide if they want to build a life with someone given what that person wants.

You don't have to insist on an engagement, or a date to marry, but be clear its what you want, so while you're happy to have fun for a couple of years with him, marriage is a condition you want for a long term commitment from you. That you will have your eye on the door if its not going to be on offer from him.

ChanklyBore · 18/09/2020 13:58

It’s the other way round here. I don’t want to be married. I told him that from the start. He does want to get married. His family want him to get married, they are big on the whole wedding thing. He moved in with me anyway, perhaps he thought one day I would change my mind. I haven’t - 21 years and kids down the line I still don’t want or need to marry him. He’s had to learn to live with it but would still be up the aisle like a shot if given the chance.

If you want to learn to leave with it too, carry on. I’m certainly pleased he did, as we have a lovely life and lovely children.

NooneElseIsSingingMySong · 18/09/2020 14:00

I knew a couple like this..she pushed until she got the proposal but although they got married they never really seemed happy and if didn’t work out long term. Honestly, I would seriously reconsider this relationship before you move in with him.

Annasgirl · 18/09/2020 14:00

@DisgruntledGuineaPig

You don't need to ask him, but you can set out your expectations. I was a similar age to you when I moved in with the now DH, although we'd been dating longer - complex long distance issues with jobs etc.

Anyway, I told him I wanted to either have a baby or be pregnant at 30, I didnt want to leave it later than that to start a family, but that I definitely wanted children. I also said I would want to be married to my child's father before getting pregnant (note, I specified "my child's father", I didn't say him!). I didn't push for an answer, but did say that any relationship, however wonderful, would have a shelf life if I wasn't moving towards what I wanted a couple of years before.

Anyway, we were engaged when I was 27, married at 28 and dc1 turned up when I was 30.

Theres an idea that it's unromantic to be clear about your expectations, I just think it means everyone knows what's expected and can decide if they want to build a life with someone given what that person wants.

You don't have to insist on an engagement, or a date to marry, but be clear its what you want, so while you're happy to have fun for a couple of years with him, marriage is a condition you want for a long term commitment from you. That you will have your eye on the door if its not going to be on offer from him.

Actually OP - this is how I did it too - I made it clear to all boyfriends in my 20's that there was a shelf life to my casual non committed relationships - but no one was under pressure to be the one - I just wasn't going to spend my 30's living with someone if I was not married to them.

JorisBonson · 18/09/2020 14:00

I did the same when I was you age. Badgered and badgered until he proposed.

Spent 18 months planning what I thought was the perfect day, got married at 26 then quite quickly realised all I wanted was "the day".

Weirdly we had the same age gap as you, and he did it firstly to stop my badgering, but secondly because he was of the age where he thought it was just what you do.

I was married for a total of 5 months.

If you want to be together, a piece of paper and a party really doesn't need to factor into it.

jessstan2 · 18/09/2020 14:03

You've not been together very long. He may well change his mind in time but you also could change your mind so what's the rush?

Don't move in, just enjoy the relationship for what it is but keep your options open because there may be someone more suitable on the horizon.

MadCatLady71 · 18/09/2020 14:05

If it really matters to you, then you need to have a frank conversation. You can’t assume he’ll change his mind. After all, could you see yourself changing your mind about wanting to marry? His opinions could be as hard-set and deeply held as your own. And if you are discussing moving in together, it is an entirely logical time to discuss your hopes for the future.

Mumoftwo1994 · 18/09/2020 14:07

@holdmysocks

I've been with DP for a year, we are now talking about moving in together. However, he has always hinted that he doesn't want to get married. We spoke about it early on, but as we disagreed I said best to wait a few years before even having the conversation... Stupid in hindsight.

I really want to get married, I know it's not for everyone but it's important to me. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience with a partner who said he didn't want to get married but ended up changing his mind? I can't decide whether to move in and continue to see how it goes, if this is a normal male thing to say, or have a serious chat with him.

Well I've got 2 examples as to where this type of situation has gone with two of my colleagues.

He said he was never getting married or having kids, despite having a long term girlfriend who he lived with (she wanted kids and marriage) he point blank refused, but after being together for about 6/7 years he proposed and they're due their first child next month, he is genuinely happy (we're all very close so honest with each other)
He had 2 children with his partner of 5 years, he was happy with kids but never wanted to get married. He ended up proposing but then cancelled the wedding a month before it was due to take place, loads of fallout ensued obviously. He basically proposed due to pressure and it ended up splitting them up.

So that's my experiences with it.
I also have twins with my partner of 8 years, I never wanted kids (we have had them haha) and I don't want to get married but that might change now 😂

AuntieStella · 18/09/2020 14:09

It seems you had the conversation very early on in the relationship. Now, after a year, I think you'll get the true answer. And if it is still that he does not want marriage, do not move in with him.

TorchesTorches · 18/09/2020 14:14

After 1 year together is enough to know if it had possibilities or not. On our 1st anniversary of being together me abd my now DH had a spontaneous, long conversation about 'where do we see this going. All the cards were on the table. I said that I did want to be married, and wouldn't live together without being at least engaged abd that I wouldn't have kids unless married. He said he wanted kids but wasn't bothered about being married.
6 months later we were engaged, living together and planning a wedding. 3 years later we had 2 kids to add to that.

The point is we were both clear about what we wanted and deal breakers.
Good luck

Dogsandbabies · 18/09/2020 14:15

I never want to get married OP. I am in a happy relationship with children but I just don't want to get married and I never will. Luckily my partner is happy with that but if he wasn't then it just wouldn't have worked out. He would grow to resent me and me him. Maybe think about this before you move in.

Notcoolmum · 18/09/2020 14:15

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. I learnt that the hard way whilst getting divorced. It's a financial contract between you. It gives you both rights to each other assets (including pensions) and to be next of kin and therefore have certain rights medically should one of you be gravely I'll keep have an accident.

I wouldn't marry again now unless it benefited me financially. I want to protect my pension as I will need it in later life.

TorchesTorches · 18/09/2020 14:17

And don't think about things in terms of ultimatums. It is just saying/ being clear about what you both want and seeing if its compatible or not.

Odile13 · 18/09/2020 14:18

My advice to anybody would be to talk about important areas of compatibility early in a relationship. Things like children, marriage, religion etc. It is a way of finding out if you’re compatible early on before you have invested years in a person who isn’t right for you. With my husband we discussed whether we wanted children and marriage very early on. It wasn’t about whether we wanted it with each other yet - it was too soon to know - but just whether we wanted similar things out of life.

I have known several couples where they have a fundamental difference but never talk about it in the early years. Years later it ends up being very painful while they decide whether to stay together or not and who has to compromise on what they want eg not having kids.

I think people would be much happier talking about the issues honestly earlier on. If you bring it up and your partner is hugely defensive / offended etc it is a huge red flag.

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/09/2020 14:19

No good ever came of forcing a man into marriage by using ultimatums.

dottiedodah · 18/09/2020 14:23

If you are planning on having DC together ,then yes you would be better off and more secure if married .Is there a reason why hes not keen?(Parental /close friend breakup for example) I understand you love this guy but you have a fairly substantial difference of opinion here.Many others have said here that the wanted to marry and never did .Maybe have a chat with him and tell him how you feel?