I made the mistake of thinking marriage wasn't necessary. It is, especially for a woman who is the lower earner when she has DC. I found that out the hard way. so sorry that was the case for you. I think you’re very brave and honest to say so.
So often on these threads those of us that say that marriage especially prior to children is advisable we get absolutely flamed, accused of being old fashioned, internalised misogyny etc when we are simply wanting other women to have as much protection as possible.
I come from a perspective as I said if not only being a divorcee but also having seen a relative royally screwed by her “in laws” - who she’d previously got along with absolutely fine - in the immediate, medium and long term aftermath of her partner’s untimely death.
I understand why people focus on separation/divorce as the reason to consider the ramifications of living together/marriage and indeed that’s the most likely outcome of most relationships but I’ve also as a nurse witnessed the hell partners have gone through when a patient was incapacitated and decisions about their care needed to be made.
I’m sure someone will come along and say “next of kin” isn’t a legally defined title which is true, but where there is dispute between a partner and a patients eg parents hcps and particularly hospital lawyers will err towards caution covering their arse and go with the person with a clear legal connection to the patient. I’ve seen it happen. It’s especially the case if it’s a very much on/off relationship as eg the parents will give it “you 2 split up again a month ago” etc
@LilyWater excellent post! Tempted to copy and save for future threads of this type as we see that scenario SO often, men that want all the benefits and none of the commitment!
I would add to be very wary of the man who “offers” an “engagement” as a way to silence the woman and stop her “bothering” him about this. That’s what my sisters ex did, they were “engaged” for 8 years before finally splitting (his cheating) - an “engagement” is meaningless unless an actual wedding is planned.
I know one woman who’s been “engaged” for over 15 years! He has absolutely no intention of marrying her as far as I can tell and she’s also fast losing if not lost already her chance of motherhood, which I know she will regret.
Who is the driving force behind living together? excellent question
A happy, loving relationship is what I think is important. sorry but that’s idealistic and naive especially when you’re about to have a child. Are you taking mat leave? Going to return to work part time? Or are you independently wealthy? Because unless it’s the latter you’re putting yourself and your child in a very vulnerable position.
He expressed that most married couples he knows have ended up miserable and divorced. an ill founded excuse. Statistically unmarried couples are more likely to split.
Your “I reassured him that I wouldn’t” rather brought to mind that friends episode where the guy phoebe was dating managed to manipulate her into saying casual sex was fine by her and he didn’t even need to call her after!
He’s not committed to you or your child in any meaningful way. Flowery words and declarations of love won’t house, feed and clothe your child if you split, he becomes incapacitated or dies.
I hope I and others who think similarly are wrong because I genuinely wish you and your child well. But the reality is you’re (you and your child) now more vulnerable than ever, and he is doing nothing to mitigate that.
In my mind a genuinely loving and thoughtful life partner and father to be doesn’t do that.