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Relationships

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Original poster

Marriage - will he change his mind?

188 replies

holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:12

I've been with DP for a year, we are now talking about moving in together. However, he has always hinted that he doesn't want to get married. We spoke about it early on, but as we disagreed I said best to wait a few years before even having the conversation... Stupid in hindsight.

I really want to get married, I know it's not for everyone but it's important to me. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience with a partner who said he didn't want to get married but ended up changing his mind? I can't decide whether to move in and continue to see how it goes, if this is a normal male thing to say, or have a serious chat with him.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 18/09/2020 14:27

You are about to move in together. You need to tell him you consider this the next step towards finding out if you and he are compatible for a long term future with marriage and children. If you can't have that conversation at this point for fear of scaring him off then that is a sign you are not meant to be together.

Dating is to find someone who is compatible. It is normal at your ages to get some months down the line before realising you are incompatible in some fundamental way.

TorkTorkBam · 18/09/2020 14:32

Don't blame it on his family background.

Except that, by the sounds of it, all the older men in his life will tell him to "protect" himself by not getting married. Usually a "messy" divorce means one person was being a dick, often a man annoyed that his soon to be ex stay at home wife is being allowed to rob him of too much of his money (as he sees it).

Poppyismyfavourite · 18/09/2020 14:40

I'm one of the ones whose partner said they never wanted to get married, and is now happily married.
...but, even so, with hindsight I wouldn't move in with someone who didn't want to get married!
It caused a lot of heartache here, we actually broke up becaues DH wasn't sure about having kids. That was a good while ago now and we're now married and expecting our first, but it was definitely the long and painful way round.

Merryoldgoat · 18/09/2020 14:41

There is nothing wrong with being clear about what you want from life early in any relationship. Saying ‘I want to get married at some point’ isn’t saying It want to marry YOU’ but it’s honest and no one can say it’s come out of nowhere.

I told my (now) DH on date 2 that I wanted children, that I would t have then out of wedlock and wouldn’t spend years in a relationship with no ‘legs’ - I was 27.

We didn’t rush things and weren’t super quick - married after 6 years and our first child 18 months but we both always had the same goal in mind.

He was 24 btw. He wanted children, wasn’t fussed about marriage but happy to. We just discussed it and agreed.

If you can ‘scare’ him by being honest what’s that point? After a year you know if you want to be together ffs.

Twizbe · 18/09/2020 14:42

He's 31 and he knows what he wants. No amount of time will change that.

In my experience, men in their 30s who date women in their early 20s are hoping to get a good few years out of them before they start talking marriage and babies. Once they do, they high tail it out of there PDQ.

Don't waste any time with this man. If you want to get married (and that is ok and you are allowed to demand that) and he doesn't, believe him and move on.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/09/2020 14:51

He has been honest so you can stay in that knowledge or leave. Would you really want to be married to someone who only did it as part of an ultimatum / giving in your wants?

cosmicbabe · 18/09/2020 15:11

Honestly I don't see the big deal with Marriage... I've not been married but have had LTR spanning 3, ,5 and 9 years. If I had been married that would have been 3 divorces.

I've met my current partner and he's been married and divorced twice...

What more does marriage offer than being in a committed relationship in all honesty?... I do wonder why this is a 'breaking' point for some and what motivates someone to leave their partner just because they might not want to get married in the future?
X

Twizbe · 18/09/2020 15:25

@cosmicbabe

Honestly I don't see the big deal with Marriage... I've not been married but have had LTR spanning 3, ,5 and 9 years. If I had been married that would have been 3 divorces.

I've met my current partner and he's been married and divorced twice...

Marriage confers several legal rights that are important when it comes to things like next of kin, end of life decisions, inheritance and share of assets in the event of a divorce. It also has some implications when it comes to children and tax.

It's fine to not want to get married, but it's important to know your legal rights (or lack thereof)

jiskoot · 18/09/2020 15:34

When I met my DH he told me he didn't want to get married, mainly due to his parents disastrous marriage. He was 33 and I was 38 and had always wanted to be married (sad I know but I had been single most of my life and was resigned to it never happening). We discussed it a bit during the first couple of years, turns out he wasn't necessarily against it just wasn't overly bothered, the matter was left to rest until he proposed out of the blue one day. We got married last year.

I guess it would depend on his reason as to why? If it's something he just doesn't believe in then I doubt he'd change his mind...

yukka · 18/09/2020 15:42

Yes my husband was never getting married nor having children.

We met when I was 27 and he 29. My view was that you can't always predict what you might want in the future, Sonora good to keep talking, but it is important that you want the same things at the same time in life.

He proposed after 10 years, we got married and 2 years later had a baby. We were ready then having travelled and renovated a home, spent time on our hobbies, our careers, and done other things in life that mostly he thought you didn't do if you got married and had kids.

He thought marriage was pointless. I thought it was a celebration. He thought having kids would restrict life. I thought it would broaden and enhance it. It all boiled down to perspective and in his experience boys that became dads became boring stay at home, under the thumb blokes with no life of their own. My experience is that those who live like that is simply because they want to.

We still work as a team and aim for a balance of me time, us time, and family time.

It's not always perfect. He needs more 'me time' than I do, and that's ok. Neither of us forced the other into this situation, so commitment is really important, married or not, we chose this together.

If he has really strong reasons for not getting married, then you might need to believe him. If he's a bit airy fairy, try and understand more what his issues are with it.

And if you do believe him , whilst it's hard, have faith that he actually isn't the one for you, because the right one does want the same things at the same time. You are young and have plenty of time yet to find him x

LUZON · 18/09/2020 15:49

How long have you been dating?
Also, how are your relative finances? If he is a lot better off than you maybe he doesn’t want to get married to protect his money?

I think moving in without knowing whether each other is marriage material is ok. You have to re-evaluate things in a couple of years though and then not be shy to move out and move on.

Cheeseandwin5 · 18/09/2020 16:40

I think all situations are different and I think only you can decided what's best for yourself. The big question for you is how important / happy would be staying with him unmarried as opposed leaving and maybe marrying someone else. I do think it is slightly unfair ( to him and you) to stay with him, with the hope he will change his mind. If it is a deal breaker than its best for you both for you to move on.
In my circumstance I was with my DH over 10 years before we got married. We went out , went travelling, lived together and finally got married. Each step was standalone and I never felt if this goes well we will get married. It was just a natural progression.

When I got married I never saw it as a view to protect myself and have a greater say over financial assets though- I think for myself this is a crazy view to have, to think your marrying so should you split up it will be better off. Saying that my view maybe as negative as those who have been through this if I was in their shoes.

I would see how living together worked before thinking about the next step.

Happynow001 · 18/09/2020 16:49

@holdmysocks

I've been with DP for a year, we are now talking about moving in together. However, he has always hinted that he doesn't want to get married.
You think he's hinting, he probably thinks he's been really clear.

Before you move in with him, certainly before having children, reducing your career to do childcare, perhaps be a SAHM and thus financially dependent on him, etc., have a conversation where there's no hinting.

Both of you need to clearly spell out what you want from your lives together before you enmesh yourselves further.

If he again says he doesn't want marriage and you strongly do, perhaps it's time to move on.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Iloveme30 · 18/09/2020 17:01

Your wasting your time unfortunately

BonneMaman77 · 18/09/2020 17:09

My DH did not want to as his first marriage was a messy divorce. He’d ended relationships with women who wanted to get married in the 10 years before we met. When we met it was soon after I separated and I was not looking for a relationship let alone marriage. But we fell pretty hard for each other. To me, a long term relationship meant marriage.

What we did was talk about marriage in depth: what it meant to each of us, why It was important to me and why he did not want to. And the fact it was a deal breaker for us.

Talk it through and be true to yourself and to be clear with him. Sometimes it is the concept of marriage other times it is finding the right person. You will know if you commit to talking about it.

YouJustDoYou · 18/09/2020 17:13

These guys says this. But then when they leave the gf they would always tell they didn't want to marry, it's often the case they, lo and behold, marry the new gf within 6 months/a year. Op, it's just that he doesn't want to marry YOU.

HermioneWeasley · 18/09/2020 17:15

Not wanting a wedding is perfectly legitimate, but I don’t get why you wouldn’t want to be married to someone you’re committed to. As a PP said, it gives you important rights as next of kin, over inheritance etc.

Original poster

holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 17:23

BonneMaman77 Do you mean you discussed the fact that it was a dealbreaker for you to get married and a dealbreaker for him not to? How did you move past that?

OP posts:

Original poster

holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 17:26

BonneMaman77 How soon did you have these conversations and when did he propose? Sorry for all the questions

OP posts:

Isthisnothing · 18/09/2020 17:58

Op I really think you need to change your perspective. You sound so timid as if you have no right to bother him with these demands.

You aren't asking him to marry you. You are asking him what his long-term personal plans are to see if they are compatible with yours.

Instead of -

Don't you want to marry me, I really want to marry you. Please don't change your mind about living with me

Try -
I've been thinking a lot recently. I definitely see marriage to the right man in my future. What are your own thoughts on marriage? If we are on totally separate pages should we really be moving in together?

Highfalutinlootin · 18/09/2020 18:04

Do not under any circumstances move in with him without having this important conversation. This happens to women all the time unfortunately, and the man almost never changed his mind. By 31 he is an adult who is capable of having a straightforward, adult conversation about whether he wants to get married. If it scares him off for you to even talk about it, then he is not mature enough or reasonable enough to be your partner. Partners need to discuss all kinds of difficult things like parenting, finances, careers, etc. He needs to show you he respects you and is capable of adult conversations.

You also owe it to him and yourself to be honest about what you want. Your desire to get married is valid. Likewise, if he truly doesn't want to get married in a reasonable timeframe, that's valid too. Don't waste your time letting him string you along or eventually compromising your principles and never getting married. There are plenty of men out there who enthusiastically want to get married.

Good luck, OP.

MrMeSeeks · 18/09/2020 18:06

He won’t change his mind. Don't waste years with him

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2020 18:10

He's told you how he feels
Would you still want to be with him if he never wants to get married?

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2020 18:11

It shouldn’t be a matter of an ultimatum he should want to marry you.
You shouldn’t be worried about discussing it with him.

Marriage and kids was one of the first things my partner and I discussed when we got together. We had to be on the same page about these two massive issues.

I knew a lovely bloke who had been with his girlfriend for something like nine years and then she walked out as he ‘wasn’t the marrying kind’, he then met a woman and married her with six months of meeting her.

What your partner is saying is he doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t move in with him. Cut your losses and don’t invest any more time on this relationship. It won’t happen he’s told you he doesn’t want to marry you.

SoulofanAggron · 18/09/2020 18:11

For those saying it's just a piece of paper, it's not just about rights, it's also seen as romantic. To those who are into the idea, it's the ultimate commitment and public declaration of love. Intending to do it is also a sign a relationship is 'going somewhere' for those that are looking for a relationship that progresses in that way.

I used to be into it but now I'm not.

@holdmysocks As you've decided, ask him whether his opinion on it has changed. You have nothing to lose- if he's not into it he's not really the man for you.

As PP's said, don't move in with him in the hope he'll change his mind. Years will pass and he might still say the same.

A year is also a little soon to be moving in with someone maybe.

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