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Original poster

Marriage - will he change his mind?

188 replies

holdmysocks · 18/09/2020 13:12

I've been with DP for a year, we are now talking about moving in together. However, he has always hinted that he doesn't want to get married. We spoke about it early on, but as we disagreed I said best to wait a few years before even having the conversation... Stupid in hindsight.

I really want to get married, I know it's not for everyone but it's important to me. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have experience with a partner who said he didn't want to get married but ended up changing his mind? I can't decide whether to move in and continue to see how it goes, if this is a normal male thing to say, or have a serious chat with him.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 20/09/2020 12:13

He is the type that would like to have made a proposal and would want to arrange a wedding together but he never does because he doesn't want to marry you.

TruffleMama · 20/09/2020 13:02

Jesus! This isn't even my thread and I'm being pounced on.

Sorry to the OP for the very unintentional hijack! No idea this would turn into a "bash Trufflemama thread" just because I don't share the same view/experiences as everyone else 😡

@TorkTorkBam
"He is the type that would like to have made a proposal and would want to arrange a wedding together" but he never does because he doesn't want to marry you.
Oh cheers.. thanks for that. It's astonishing to discover random women on MN know my DP better than I do 🙄 DP and I have been together 2 years. How do you know he will never propose? How do you know he doesn't want to marry me? He has never said he doesn't want to marry me. So I'd love to know why you have made your assumption?
I'll make an assumption then that your advice would be to just LTB now seeing as he hasn't "put a ring on it" yet 🙄

tornadoalley · 20/09/2020 13:08

If he won't marry you look at adequate financial provision and all the security of marriage so that you are not left at a disadvantage

Twizbe · 20/09/2020 13:26

@TruffleMama I think you've been pounced on as some of your posts seem quite naive. You've only been together 2 years and it seems like you haven't had a real detailed conversation about marriage and legal status. Have you spoken about registering baby and that he has to be there and if you marry later you need to re register baby? Does he know that even as the baby's father if you die your next of kin can apply for guardianship of baby and that he isn't your next of kin?

In general there is nothing wrong with a couple deciding TOGETHER that marriage isn't for them. If they decide that though they need to talk through all the legal ramifications of that decisions. All relationships end either through death or separation. If you aren't married you have NO legal rights at all. It doesn't matter how long you've been together or how many children you have.

Where it is a problem is if one partner is hoping that a marriage will take place even when the other is clearly against it.

Dery · 20/09/2020 13:28

Personally I think it's significant that he, as a 30 year old man, chose to date a 23 year old woman. I'm sure you're fabulous but I'm guessing that part of his agenda in choosing you over a woman closer to him in age was because he thought there was less chance of you wanting to settle down. Your age is in your favour from a child-bearing perspective because, assuming your fertility is in the usual range, you still have plenty of time to find someone to have children with.

So you could try moving in with him and if he still hasn't proposed within a couple of years, you could move on and you will only be 26/27.

But I think you would be better off not moving in with him. Because he will honestly have no greater incentive to propose after you have moved in than before.

I agree that other commitments can appear greater than marriage, particularly having children together. However, marriage actually is a very significant commitment because it gives you legal protections which you would not otherwise have (especially important if one parents becomes an SAHP and reliant on the other's salary), so it is way more than just a piece of paper.

You only have to read the threads on here from unmarried SAHPs who have been left by their partner and/or are desperate to leave their partner but face being in dire financial straits if they do so to realise how important marriage is.

user1471538283 · 20/09/2020 13:39

He will not marry you. If its important to you the you need to move on

lynsey91 · 20/09/2020 15:33

@AttilaTheMeerkat the comment about the DP being old fashioned made me laugh too.

Old fashioned men probably don't live together and certainly don't have a child without being married.

My DH didn't want to live together when I suggested it after his proposal. He wanted to be married as it was more special. That to me is old fashioned although not in a horrible way but a lovely way

BasiliskStare · 20/09/2020 16:25

Just to say as others have - everyone makes their own choice but marriage is a contract and some of that can be replicated in other contracts , but I believe - not quite the same ( can any clever person tell me what you cannot replicate with wills / living wills / etc ) I think Inheritance is one which cannot be replicated.

LilyWater · 20/09/2020 18:35

[quote TruffleMama]@LilyWater

Out of interest, if your DP is so adamant you and kids should not be left in bad financial situations in the event of splitting and is not scared off by the fact that marriage would give you and your children legal rights he's unable to change, surely there is no reason at all why he wouldn't want marry you?

My DP hasn't at any point said that he doesn't want to marry me.[/quote]
@TruffleMama Why would he need to say anything when his own actions speak for themselves? You've been together long enough to have decided to have a child together/on the way (for whom marriage would also help protect their interests) and you've said yourself you "would like to get married" so the barrier isn't you. Yet he has chosen not to propose, so he clearly currently does not want to marry you... Confused

TruffleMama · 20/09/2020 18:50

@LilyWater
Why would he need to say anything when his own actions speak for themselves? You've been together long enough to have decided to have a child together/on the way (for whom marriage would also help protect their interests) and you've said yourself you "would like to get married" so the barrier isn't you. Yet he has chosen not to propose, so he clearly currently does not want to marry you...

I'm sorry, but is there a cut off period in a relationship that you must have had a proposal by or else your partner definitely never wants to marry you? What is that cut off period? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? So everyone in a relationship beyond that cut off point should LTB because he hasn't proposed.. yet and we should all jump to the conclusion that it means he definitely never will? Confused

A good friend of mine was with his DP for 4 years before he proposed. They had a DS two years into the relationship. He waited 4 years because money was tight after their DS arrived and he was saving for the ring and to book a trip away as he wanted the proposal to be special (he is not in a well paid job). Not sure I see a problem with that.. let's forgive the man for wanting to have a bit of romance in his and his partners relationship!

LilyWater · 20/09/2020 18:58

@TruffleMama unfortunately our statements have touched a nerve because you know deep down they're true. I'm sure you're an intelligent woman so it's of no benefit to you (or your child/children) to keep your head in the sand. Quite the opposite in fact.

My DP is "is old fashioned...describes himself as being born in the wrong era". Please.
Sex before marriage. Living together before marriage. Having a child out of marriage. These are all the total opposite of being old fashioned and you know it.

This is why it's so important that the OP (who wants to get married) is warned so she does not end up in the same situation.

Graphista · 20/09/2020 19:06

No not a cut off point necessarily though certainly in my experience child free relationships where the man hasn't proposed within 3 years, generally not a good sign.

Even worse if children occur in that time period and no proposal forthcoming.

As for the example of your friend, romance is all well and good - but DOESN'T actually require money!

Perfectly possible to be very romantic and thoughtful without spending much at all, and romantic gestures aren't necessary for a proposal either.

I've been proposed to several times but only in one case did it lead to marriage, and quite honestly in at least one of those it was the huge grand gesture and planning that made me (rightly I later discovered) very wary run for the hills

The one that lead to marriage was totally spontaneous, lacking a ring or any romantic setting really (in a park in torrential rain) but thoroughly heartfelt and moving.

Nor does it compensate for legal and financial protection.

Often an excuse for delaying I think.

TruffleMama · 20/09/2020 19:26

@LilyWater

unfortunately our statements have touched a nerve because you know deep down they're true.

Please don't assume you know what I am thinking/feeling. You're wrong actually.. I do think DP will propose (sorry it won't be before the "cut off date" that you would have insisted on). He has brought up the subject of marriage before.. most recently we talked about our thoughts on marriage in the UK v abroad. He asked what I would prefer. We've discussed big blow out weddings v small intimate weddings and again he asked what I'd prefer. As I have said in my previous posts, he has never said he doesn't want to marry me. And just because he hasn't proposed now doesn't mean he never plans to. Just like the case of my male friend who always intended on proposing to his DP.. but wanted to do it when he thought it would be a special and romantic moment.

My DP is "is old fashioned...describes himself as being born in the wrong era". Please.
Sex before marriage. Living together before marriage. Having a child out of marriage. These are all the total opposite of being old fashioned and you know it.

He is old fashioned in the sense that he is old before his time. He doesn't really like popular culture etc. I made the comment in direct response to someone asking why I didn't just go and make an appointment at the registry office. The point I was making when I made that comment was that I know him and I know he would like our engagement to be of the traditional way.. him proposing. And this is the way I would like it too.

Bikinib0tt0m · 20/09/2020 19:49

You want to marry and he doesn't but wants to move in together, no I personally wouldn't. Go for someone with the same life goals but I would ask again before deciding and tell him how you feel. It not an ultimatum as you would only want them to do it if they wanted to and he might of changed his mind at this point and be on the same page by now. If not you know where you stand and can decide.

madcatladyforever · 20/09/2020 19:54

He would marry if he thought the woman was special enough. He doesn't think you are.
This is why you hear these stories about guys who won't marry someone who had their children then they meet someone else and are married within a year.
He sees you as good enough for now.
Sorry to be so blunt but you need to wake up and smell the roses.

Twizbe · 20/09/2020 19:56

It's interesting you mention a cut off point.

It's one of the sticking points in giving cohabiting couples the same legal rights as married ones. How long should they be together for? What counts as proof of the relationship? What if they were under 18 when formed the relationship

madcatladyforever · 20/09/2020 20:03

Also why do you want to be with someone who is dragging his heels about marrying you. Both my husbands were desperate to marry me. Mainly because I was too good for them, I had self esteem issues when I was young and didn't think I deserved any better.
Now I'm older I know my true worth and I won't have any man who messes me about anywhere near me.
A man will marry someone who he thinks is really special or is hard to get.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 20/09/2020 20:06

I know someone who waited 17 years for her partner to marry her, less than a year later he left her for a woman he met a month after the wedding. That was six years ago, she's not over it yet.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 20/09/2020 20:10

This A man will marry someone who he thinks is really special or is hard to get. is nonsense if marriage isn't important to him.

lynsey91 · 20/09/2020 20:33

@TruffleMama a ring doesn't have to be expensive nor does a proposal have to a big stage production.

I find it strange there would be a flamboyant proposal when not only have you lived with someone for a few years but you also have a child.

I always thought living together was a practice for marriage so once you move in together if everything is fine you will get married. Of course some people don't want marriage but that should be talked about before you move in together

MaeveDidIt · 20/09/2020 20:43

The odds are stacked very high against you.

Why would you move in together and knowingly put yourself on an uneven keel with him knowing (and he will know) he has the upper hand in the relationship because your future is based on his say so.

In other words why put YOUR future in his hands - keep them it in your own hands.

You are more than worth it so go and find someone who wants the same very important things that you want.

Your potential situation is very common. Search on here and see the wasted years women have very naively put themselves in.

TruffleMama · 20/09/2020 20:51

@lynsey91 a ring doesn't have to be expensive nor does a proposal have to a big stage production

I agree. I didn't say the ring had to be expensive and I didn't say the proposal had to be a big stage production. I was just giving an example of someone I know who always intended on proposing to their DP, but for him, the ring and the proposal mattered, therefore he delayed the proposal until he was happy that it would be how he wanted it to be.

goose1964 · 20/09/2020 21:00

My ex boyfriend always told me that he wasn't ever going to get married and it was one of the reasons we split.Less than six months later he'd moved in with his new girlfriend.About 4 years later I met DH and we now have 3 children and 5 grandchildren. He's still with her and not married and as Far as I know no children.

I'd not risk it if you definitely want to get married , but if you're happy to just have a relationship then stay.

fantasmasgoria1 · 20/09/2020 22:09

With my ex whilst he was being nice I did want to get married but years later when he wanted to I didn't! We did get married and I wish I hadn't.

AgeLikeWine · 20/09/2020 22:15

Me and DP have been together for more than 25 years. We are not married and have no plans to marry. This suits us both very well. We are still together because we both want to be, not because we signed a bit of paper decades ago.

Marriage isn’t for everyone and it isn’t the be all & end all.