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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

329 replies

Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:26

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

OP posts:

newnameforthis123 · 16/09/2020 22:56

@FancyAnOlive

OP, is there a reason why you sound unsure about whether this is really bad? I ask because you do sound a bit detached, as others have noted. Did you have previous relationships with total bellends so this sort of thing seems normal, or are your family like this too?

This. It's abusive. He's a bully and a cunt. He's not going to step up so unfortunately you're going to have to do more than is fair. It sucks but he is going to do so much damage to her the longer you stay together as the message is that it's an acceptable way for men to treat people smaller / weaker / female.

time4anothername · 16/09/2020 22:56

it would certainly bother me. It is not transactional, it is emotional abuse. You are going to have to work really hard for your DC to combat such a Dad. Get whatever help and training you can on helping DC have good confidence and self worth without needing to be perfect because only ego stroking and perfection is going to be good enough for this man unless you are very lucky that he has an epiphany and sorts out his ego issues. Encourage a good non-competitive relationship between her and DB, don't let him split them into golden child and scapegoat child. Even if you get away presumably he would have access and there would be overnight visits without you so this is a long term project.

neveradullmoment99 · 16/09/2020 23:06

@Blueredlight

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

😲😲😲😲

CorianderLord · 16/09/2020 23:06

That's deliberate cruelty and she will remember being made to feel like that.

Her excuse is that she's little. Why is he responding like a small child? It's emotional abuse.

kfcplease · 16/09/2020 23:07

Haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been said. I feel really uncomfortable with his transactional behaviour. He's teaching your daughter that she can get money/gifts by using her body. It's an awful way to parent. Comes across as abusive possibly a form of grooming. You really need to teach your daughter it's ok to say "no".

I taught my daughter from very early that she doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone if she doesn't want to I don't care who it is, her 90 year old granny or anyone else. Her body her rules.

DontBelongHere · 16/09/2020 23:07

I cannot believe what I've read. My heart breaks for your poor little girl. Your husband is incredibly cruel. My DS is four and my DH would never, ever in a million years speak that way to him. I can't believe there are even a few posters justifying your husband 'being hurt' FFS.

I can't imagine how hard it will be for you to leave him, to get a job, get your courage together, uproot the kids and get the hell out of there but if I were in your shoes it's what I'd be working towards. Good luck.

MsDogLady · 16/09/2020 23:31

’What’s wrong with her, other people’s children manage to stay up, she spoils everything’ he’s like it with both children if they ‘show him up’ I suppose.

He’s a controlling, abusive narcissist who manipulates you and the children (his supply) to comply with his ego demands. He has no empathy and will never respect any of you as individuals with feelings and boundaries.

*He intentionally crushed little DD to punish her when he felt slighted.
*When the children show you affection, he coerces them to include him.

*He makes unreasonable demands on the children to promote his self-image, even when they are tired and sleepy 3 year olds.
*When you challenge him, he reacts with anger and stonewalling to make you shut up and back off.

Get out as soon as possible. Your children are being emotionally harmed by this cruel brute.

Somethingkindaoooo · 16/09/2020 23:34

He's abusive
You're allowing it to happen

Stop

BubblyBarbara · 16/09/2020 23:34

He actually sounds sociopathic to me. Is he ever remorseful?

Bunkumum · 16/09/2020 23:42

What a cruel and nasty thing to say to a child. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who spoke like that to the most important people in my life.

12309845653ghydrvj · 16/09/2020 23:53

Why do you care about him being “transactional” and keep going on about it when he’s literally bullying your child in front of you?!??? Work on ensuring your children aren’t being emotionally abused before you care about that?

TaraR2020 · 17/09/2020 00:57

It's his job as a parent to teach, through consistent demonstration, unconditional love to his children. He must be very insecure and emotionally immature. I'm sorry you and your children have to experience this.

I don't think you'll be able to affect a change in his behaviour if you feel you cannot talk to him about it, so I would focus - as you are - in showering your children the love they want/need.

It's all too easy to be overwhelmed by the short and long term effects of covid - trust, as with the last recession, that we will see it through and things will fall into place for you. Look for the new opportunities that we come as a result of all this change and don't give up. You'll do it!

As for him? Well, it sounds as if he's made his bed...

DarklyDreamingDexter · 17/09/2020 00:58

Transactional? No, just an abusive arsehole. What an absolutely disgraceful thing to say to a young child. She’s likely to remember it for a very long time. You need to raise it with him. If it helps, point out that saying horrible, hurtful things to her are possibly why she says she loves you more. He sounds like a total wanker.

Chloemol · 17/09/2020 01:24

And you think he is a good role model for them because?

His behaviour needs addressing, he needs to understand he is in the wrong, and stop bribing, as that’s what he is doing

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2020 06:16

Maybe you should spend less on her birthdays and save the money for the ton of counselling she’ll need to combat the corrosive, manipulative and abusive behaviour of her father. Calling his behaviour transactional is a way of diminishing the damage he’s doing to her and setting her up for potential abusive behaviour from future partners.

You need to protect your children from the emotional damage that their emotionally stunted father is doing to them.

confusedandeatingcheese · 17/09/2020 07:02

@kfcplease makes a really good point op.

Sanitisethat · 17/09/2020 07:36

He sounds horrible.

Might be worth reminding him that he’s an adult and a parent, and if he can’t cope with having his feelings hurt by the idle bedtime chatter of a 4 year old he might want to seriously consider therapy to work on his self esteem.

Original poster

Blueredlight · 17/09/2020 07:47

I find he’s ok with them until they behave or do something he doesn’t like.
It happens rarely because of the limited exposure to them.
But he does say things like ‘I’m shit hot at my job’ maybe he is but it makes me 🙄

OP posts:

LilyLongJohn · 17/09/2020 07:56

He's laying the ground rules for your dd to be a bit fucked up in later life! A child should be loved unconditionally, with sensible boundaries, he's teaching her that to get attention or material items she should adjust her behaviour to please people. It's an awful thing to do at any age, but she's young and impressionable now, he's teaching her the building blocks of how she interacts with people. Also she will think she deserves to be treated differently to her siblings.

It's not just a case of him being 'mean' he's being passive aggressive in some cases and using threatening behaviour in others

Imagine a woman coming in here and saying her dh won't give her attention or pay the bills unless she behaves in a certain way, or gives him cuddles. Urghh makes my skin crawl

LunchBoxPolice · 17/09/2020 08:00

What a wankstain.

Fast90 · 17/09/2020 08:07

That’s disgusting. Sounds as though he doesn’t love her at all. In fact, he’s bordering on being abusive. If you allow this to continue, then you’re complicit,

ivfbeenbusy · 17/09/2020 08:14

He sounds horrid and has clearly over reacted in this instance

BUT how do YOU deal with it when she says things like she loves mummy more? My DD is 4 and also says that and I say straight away that mummy and daddy love her the same etc. If you stay silent you are just making the situation worse

herrcomesthenamechanger · 17/09/2020 08:30

The child doesn't need correcting here. in fact, while it's entirely normal for children to say they love one parent more than the other at times, it's REAL in this case, the poor kids dad is an abusive twat so yes she genuinely loves her mum more. And her parents don't love her the same, her mum loves her, her dad treats her like an object

DontBelongHere · 17/09/2020 08:33

But he does say things like ‘I’m shit hot at my job’ maybe he is but it makes me

That's pretty cringe but it's not abusive or damaging to your children. What he said to your DD at bedtime is.

I'd honestly wonder if my DH had had a head injury of he said something like that. In my view, the only correct responses to a 4 year old saying who they love is affirmation of love within a family. 'yes I love mummy too!' or 'she/we both love you so much!' etc. Mine regularly says they love Grandpa the most, and hearing it makes my heart sing. I think it's wonderful they're able to express who they love. Now the lesson she has learned is that if she expresses a feeling of loving someone, she is punished. That is fucked up.

FilledSoda · 17/09/2020 09:25

He's just awful !

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