Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

No wonder she loves you more
That is a petulant and nasty remake to come out with at best at worst it is abusive and damaging.

He is a shit

Wow. That hurt my heart for your little girl.

Tbh, I wouldn’t be with him on that alone. It would be enough to make me leave him.

OP, is there a reason why you sound unsure about whether this is really bad? I ask because you do sound a bit detached, as others have noted. Did you have previous relationships with total bellends so this sort of thing seems normal, or are your family like this too?

No, that’s not normal and is a really unpleasant way to react to a child.

My children sometimes say similar things to DH, and he always responds by saying that he understands that, and loves them lots anyway.

He sounds like an absolute twat, I feel sorry for your children

@Antibles

Nasty bastard. Emotionally scarring your child like that. No wonder she loves you more.

He sounds like a narcissist. They are incredibly transactional. Or in old money, tit for tat. It's all about whey they can get from a relationship. Narcissists only value their children as extensions of themselves and the children need to make them look and feel good or else.

Hear, hear. This has been my experience.

@FatCatThinCat

She's quite an astute child isn't she. Of course she loves her mummy more, her daddy is a cruel, emotionally abusive arse, and she knows it.

This!

What is your housing situation? Do you own or rent?

What a horrible, vindictive man. Please keep an eye on your children and don't let this horrible man be alone with them. Now that he's heard this from your DD, he's going to bring it up again and again in different situations to prove a point. He'll also most likely love bomb your eldest to show her what she's missing out on. He sounds incredible messed up to compete with a four year old. Loser.

Ewww. He’s really mean.

Oh and my dd who's almost 13 frequently tells me far worse than that. How would he cope when she's a teenager??? Doesn't bear thinking about OP.

His very first response I thought for a minute could be a misjudged joke....I could imagine some men feeling a bit awkward and going down that route without thinking she would believe it. But if he left her in tears, and has said and done all these other problematic things, that seems less likely. If you believe he actually purposely wanted to hurt her, that is abusive.

That’s horrid. He’s dishing out spiteful comments to a 4 year old. He’s acting like a child and teaching her nothing in the process. If he can’t even be nice to a little girl it doesn’t bode well for their future relationship.

he is an arsehole!

That’s incredibly malicious to say that to a 4 year old. He realises that she is a child and he is supposedly a grown up, right? My 3 year old once told me she loves Daddy more. She basically liked him more than me that week. My 5 year old has told me that sometimes he doesn’t love me - he means sometimes he doesn’t like me because he doesn’t get his own way

He’s not ‘transactional’ he is emotionally abusive to your daughter. Why would you put up with that?

He needs to apologise to her for his reaction. And think about what sort of partner he would want for her when she is grown.

Very childish response from your DH

I'm so sorry you are trapped in this relationship.
I would still try and get a job, there are jobs out there, do you have anyone who could cover childcare if the kids couldn't go to school?

Wow.

That poor little girl is going to need a lot of therapy if you don't step in immediately.

This is emotional abuse and is savage, and you know it.

You need to protect her... from him.
He either needs to go on a parenting course, get therapy for himself, or read a lot of books, by what he can't do is destroy her with his words like that. It's sick. And it's damaging. And if you allow it to happen then you're not doing what you need to do.
That little girl needs an adult to protect her from such bullying. And it's not going to go away on it's own. You're going to have to do this.

Get professional advice. Phone a social worker or child line or something. Anything. Anything other than allow this to continue.

So how does he treat her when you aren't there? Sorry but come on op. You know this isn't on.

That is a typical thing for a young child to say. It doesn’t matter and a sensible, well balanced adult will not read anything much into it. The right answer should be sth along lines of, “Mummy loves you lots too and so do I.” End of.
I hope your DD can quickly forget your DH’s rather nasty, immature and definitely insecure words.

@Nogoodusername

He’s not ‘transactional’ he is emotionally abusive to your daughter. Why would you put up with that?

I agree this is abuse

It seems pretty clear that this isnt ok OP. But I'm also wondering how he treats you .. he doesnt just become an ass when hes in convo with a four year old. How does he try and manipulate you? How does he respond when he doesnt get or hear what he wants from you? This is never behaviour in isolation.

What Italianhat says. Leave a copy of ‘King Lear’ lying around for him. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well to play ‘who loves whom the most’ games with your children. Actually ‘Lear’ is quite a study in delusional narcissism.

Please protect your children from this man. You wouldn’t allow a child to care for another child unsupervised, and you are living with someone who is as emotionally immature as a child.