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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

329 replies

Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:26

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now Hmm

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 16/09/2020 21:07

Narcissist is dead on. Glad you have the measure of him.

This worry about 50/50 care, first, he's less likely to get that than you think, second - sorry - but he's hurting them NOW, while you're supposedly there to prevent it. He hurt her tonight and you were right there and not able to stop the words coming out of his mouth. Yes, you were able to reassure her and comfort her afterwards, but you could also do this from another house, your house which would be a safe haven away from abuse. At the moment, her home has an abuser in it which means it is not safe. Leaving, even with 50/50, would put her in a safe environment 50% of the time. If you get more time, more than 50%. That's an improvement.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad but to help you feel like it is worth doing :) I would not worry about the job stuff - these things work themselves out. I walked away from a narcissist 10 years ago and my life (and DS1's life) is unrecognisable now. Ex is not even a footnote in our lives, he is utterly irrelevant.

TillyTheTiger · 16/09/2020 21:07

This is so sad, your poor DD.

DS is the same age and sometimes says things like this, or says he doesn't love us any more (usually when we won't let him have the TV on). We ALWAYS reply something along the lines of "well I love you to the moon and back and nothing can change that". Because that's a normal parental response.

Twattergy · 16/09/2020 21:08

It's the sort of thing a bully says. Totally unacceptable.

airbags · 16/09/2020 21:10

Nice. What an abusive arsehole. Great lesson he is teaching her for later in life for how men act. No doubt he is doing a great job of building her self esteem. No wonder she loves you more, he's a class A twat.

toxic44 · 16/09/2020 21:11

'I don't love you when you are naughty/say something I don't like/show me up' etc.
This is abuse and emotional blackmail. It is the lowest kind of manipulation that an adult can practise on a child. The damage hardly ever heals; I know that from firsthand experience.
He owes her an apology, if he is man enough to give one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2020 21:11

Have you considered seeking legal advice with a view to divorcing this man?. Abusive men in any event often refuse to leave. He is not above the law here as you will see.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no legacy to be leaving them.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/09/2020 21:12

The love I have for my children is unconditional. Your dh does not show unconditional love.

mumsthewurd · 16/09/2020 21:15

wowzers. If my DH said that to DD I'd sit him down and tell him that he needs to apologise now, realise that kids say all sorts of random stuff and that love of your child is completely unconditional and if he didn't start enforcing it RIGHT NOW it would be a deal breaker. I could not parent with someone who spoke to any DC of mine like that. He has issues and he needs help.

Reubenshat · 16/09/2020 21:19

He is going to really damage her and will effect her future relationships.

Start getting your shit together and looking for an escape plan. And every single time he does it - challenge him in front of her so she knows he is out of order.

Please don’t let him do this to her because you don’t want to sort yourself out financially

LouisBalfour · 16/09/2020 21:19

That is just wicked. What kind of cruel moron is he? I would not want to raise children with him.

‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad....’

Flamingnora123 · 16/09/2020 21:19

No, that's a spiteful and dickhead response. Children are very literal, she's just telling him the truth, not to be nasty. My 4 year old said, exactly this and my husband cracked up and told her that he knows that, but doesn't mind and he loves her just as much as I do. You've got the makings of a crap father/daughter relationship there, he's needs to get a grip. The walking off leaving you to deal with it would also lead to murder or divorce from me.

legalseagull · 16/09/2020 21:19

My heart breaks for her. I'm sorry op but you have to leave him. He's abusive. She will learn that's how men behave and think it's normal. He's a cruel, heartless man and is truly selfish to boot. His primary concern is himself. His reward. His validation

babyb2nd · 16/09/2020 21:22

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I think sometimes it just hits a nerve with parents when a child says something like that. He took it way to far though. Someone should tell her that she shouldn't say things like that though. She's old enough to know that she's hurting peoples feelings. She very likely does love you more though.
I think your DH found the thread?

Are you victim blaming a 4 year old? That's weird

newnameforthis123 · 16/09/2020 21:24

God he sounds like an insufferable cunt. And a bully. Only to people smaller / more vulnerable than him though. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone like him.

summerdays · 16/09/2020 21:24

It is conditional and it's unhealthy.

Emotional neglect. If it's one off, may not matter, but if these are constant repeated messages from her father, it may have a negative impact on her behaviour and future relationships.

ShebaShimmyShake · 16/09/2020 21:27

"Transactional" isn't the word I'd use.

Sally2791 · 16/09/2020 21:27

Poor child, she will be worrying and wondering what she’s done wrong. He needs to sort himself out ASAP or I would be leaving him. Horrible man.

notdaddycool · 16/09/2020 21:29

Do you remember the Daddy or Chips advert, google it and show him. He is an adult, she is four. What she said may be hurtful, but she is four, what he said is really hurtful he is an adult. I'd pick chips over him too...

RudieSmithy · 16/09/2020 21:31

Your husband isn't transactional, he's nasty. Stand up for your daughter.

nocoolnamesleft · 16/09/2020 21:31

Emotionally abusive. What sort of vindictive git talks back like that to a 4 year old?

Henio · 16/09/2020 21:31

@Blueredlight

I’ve told her that of course she will have a birthday and Christmas. She keeps saying well why did daddy say I wouldn’t.

He likes her to behave in a certain way I suppose, I think he doesn’t do well if his ego is damaged. He loves her but he’s been annoyed with her before when she’s not behaved how he wanted. For example when out with his family and it was late (gone 10pm) when she was only 3 and crying because she was tired he was annoyed then. ‘What’s wrong with her, other people’s children manage to stay up, she spoils everything’ he’s like it with both children if they ‘show him up’ I suppose. He doesn’t have that much time with them.

He sounds like a child himself
Imissmoominmama · 16/09/2020 21:32

He isn’t exactly showing her how to be kind or diplomatic, is he? She’s 4, it’s not a natural thing to know at her age, she needs to be gently taught- by example.

babyb2nd · 16/09/2020 21:33

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thanks

He sounds toxic and like he has unresolved trauma. It's not normal but it's also not your responsibility to heal him. He needs to grown and seek help for whatever is going on in his head.

Please don't feel alone, it may feel like an impossible situation, with Covid making it worse but there are some options. I know they are far from ideal but have you thought about refuges or private renting? The council can help with rent in advance and a deposit and there are landlords willing to accept Xxx

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2020 21:34

@cologne4711

Who the hell raises these boys to become such men

They don't, they are born like it and you can't change them. This is why women stay with men so long because they think they can change them.

I realised even as a child that I couldn't change my personality to be everything my mum wanted me to be; why do MNers think everything is down to poor "parenting"? If you have a lovely kind son, you are lucky, it's not down to you. Sorry.

Anyway, getting back to the subject of the thread, I bet the OP's DD will remember this incident for the rest of her life and it's very sad.

Why does covid make it more difficult to leave him, OP?

Ashley bit that's nonsense. If that's the case then it's mean of ops DH but it doesn't actually matter because his daughters entire personality was set in stone the minute egg meet sperm. Perhaps you couldn't be who you think your Mum wanted you to be, maybe nobody could, maybe nothing works have been good enough and that's shit, I'm truly sorry if you grew up feeling like you weren't enough, bit the idea that nothing children are born narcissists or evil is really unhappy frankly
Tistheseason17 · 16/09/2020 21:36

I can see why you are thinking of leaving. He's very cruel.

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