Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

Most of the mums at my school seem perfectly nice but I have no interest in chatting to them.

I'm a loud, opinionated single mum who doesn't really deal with small talk. I like political debate and mums who seem like they won't judge if I rock up late because all the mums stopped for a bottle of prosecco mid afternoon and drop the F bomb. My kids are feral but I also completely judge people who don't have a strict bedtime routine and a policy on E numbers. I'm also really busy and don't want to waste precious time with people I don't love because I'd rather spend it on my kids or my close friends/partner.

I'm a very acquired taste, I know a lot of people don't like my type so I tend to stick to my group so I can't offend anyone and don't have to watch my tongue. 'Nice' people who embrace motherhood and join PTAs aren't my tribe. They probably are grateful of that fact and wouldn't want to be in my tribe.

It's just horses for courses. Don't be offended by it, your tribe will be out there somewhere and they will love you and be the ones leaving other conversations to talk to you!

I don't understand these threads.

I actively tried to avoid making 'mum' friends at school. And found 2 people that I'm still in contact with living on the other side of the world, as we clicked.

Just from your post I know I'd avoid you sorry.

I can't deal with being needed and you sound like you need someone. I've got a busy family life and I work. I have long term friends who are the same so I do have enough friends.

Cool your jets. Stop actively searching people out if they are hoping you won't. Are you reading and responding to their cues?

Do you have a job?

It's not required to make friends with other school mums or even be interested in them. I never was and I'm perfectly happy. I wasn't interested in the drama, quite frankly.

Also another who actively avoids any interaction with other mums and has no interest in making mum friends. I only interact with 2 other mums, one who was already an acquaintance.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

This is interesting, what does it mean?

Mainly I think it’s because they already know each other. When I did pick ups my dc were in classes with parents I already knew very well- ie for over 20 years.

well i wouldn’t avoid you based on your post, what a silly thing to say.

i only talk to one mum at school. i find the ones that chat are the stay at home mums as they seem to have more time whereas i’m dropping and racing to work.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Well that might explain it for a start... 🙄

Tbh, I had no interest in making mum friends. I have my own friends.

I wasn't interested in the drama either. I was included in a year 6 whatsapp group. I never contributed but my life the drama!

@ReefTeeth

I don't understand these threads.

I actively tried to avoid making 'mum' friends at school. And found 2 people that I'm still in contact with living on the other side of the world, as we clicked.

Just from your post I know I'd avoid you sorry.

I can't deal with being needed and you sound like you need someone. I've got a busy family life and I work. I have long term friends who are the same so I do have enough friends.

Cool your jets. Stop actively searching people out if they are hoping you won't. Are you reading and responding to their cues?

I'm the same.

I'd feel quite cornered if someone was obviously trying to 'form friendship'. It would cause me to brace myself and avoid you.

Blustery to me suggests a torrent of words flowing out of you.

You're probably overpowering people. Remember, most people don't want to make friends, they just want to get in and out quickly.

I also edge away in the playground, I don't understand why I would automatically get along with people because we gave birth in the same year?

I have friends from either school/uni/work, or from shared interests.

I used to wait just outside the playground once my child was old enough to leave the grounds, precisely so people wouldn't talk to me!

And it is bliss when primary is over

@Totty26

You're better off not getting too friendly. I have made fairly good friends with a couple of mums at the school gates, one just slags every other mum off, the other is insanely competitive with marital problems. I wish I'd kept my head down to be honest, like I was advised to a by a close friend who has older children than me.

I agree with this too.

What Totty said, 100%. When we moved houses and schools a couple of years back I promised myself to be more distant from other school gate mums. Prior to that I got too drawn in to their endless squabbles. I have enough drama within my own extended family.

I think a lot of people would automatically avoid someone who thinks that all other parents resent their children and dislike parenthood and that she should pretend to feel similarly to be ‘relatable’.

What do you mean by ‘blustery’?

My experience is that mums fall into two categories, those who work and don't have time to stop and chat, and those who already know each other because they are neighbours or through nursery.
I found it best to wait for them to come to me (play dates with your child etc) or get involved in something at the school, maybe helping with sport or reading practice if you have time.
But the school gate isn't the best place to make friends so maybe look elsewhere.

Yes, ReefTeeth nailed it. You are coming across as needy. I make friends very rarely and slowly, so someone who bounces up like a labrador emanating "Let's! Be! Friends!" vibes would instantly trigger my flight response.
It's not that you're wrong to be you, it's just that you're completely alien to me.

I’m always happy to chat at the gate, but I’m only going to go further than that with a very select few people I really click with. One so far, in 8 years of primary school, and even her it’s just coffee a couple of times a year.

I know some mums end up making close friends, families meet up most weekends, they go on holiday together etc. But I think that’s unusual, and it’s definitely not my experience.

So I think you might be best to just aim for a chat and nothing more with one person each time, and then see how it goes. But perhaps wait for them to suggest coffee or whatever, rather than you pushing it and them being out off.

I hope it all works out for you.

Hi op, I’m sorry you feel as though you are not making the connections you would like. Can I ask why do you want to make ‘mum friends’? In which way do you imagine you life might benefit from these people? Are there specific people you feel a connection to, or is it more so the circumstances?

Some people will already be long-standing friends, they may have grown up together, have children in other year groups or live near each other. It can be more difficult to break the ice in such circumstances as their relationships have already moved beyond pleasantries.

Some people like pp may be busy with day to day life and work and the social aspect of the school run is low priority

Others just don’t want to feel responsible for others or needed by them. I’m a bit like that. Needtogetbackinthesack’s post resonated with me. She is who she is and makes no apologies for that. She doesn’t seem to need anyone and there is something attractive to that kind of self-worth. Even though I parent differently to her (very calm/polite children who live off E numbers) she’d prob be the person I’d say hello to.

I'm sorry OP, but I'm another one who just drops my kids off and has no desire for chit chat or anything more.

My DC school is small and most of the pupils live in the local area. So most people know of each other, see each other around and are neighbours anyway. There are people I will exchange a quick 'Hello' and 'How are the kids' with to be polite, but I rarely stop walking to chat!!

My kids make their own friends at school. Because they all live locally, it's easy enough to sort out meet ups. But I don't want to be friends with their parents.

I'm the exception here, it seems, but I've always been happy to make time for a coffee and playground trip with the mums of DC's nursery buddies. Can't imagine that will stop when he gets to school. The worst that can happen is that you don't have much in common and if you're lucky, you may really click and make a new friend. I do only work part-time though, so not always rushing off somewhere. I think some people are open to meeting new people and new friendships and some people are not.

Do you want to be friends with them? Or do you just think you should be for the kids to enhance their lives such as play dates etc? If you want to be known as xxxs mum then there is no better way than joining the PTA! Everyone knows those mums!!!
I wouldnt try to be honest..I would say hi and smile and walk past at the very most.If xx gets invited to a party or anything then a simple thank you for the invite (decline/accept) and then treat it like any other appointment.Maybe backing off and yet being friendly and approachable will draw them to you....I actively avoid school gate friendships and it has served me well over time.Its drama,hassle and not for me and neither of my kids suffered for it.They have friends who come for tea etc and I pick them up n drop them off and thats it..it doesnt have to be anymore than that.Parent prosecco nights I have found are something to be avoided..I just dont have the inclination for that!

It might simply be that you want friendships a bit too much, and they’re picking up on that and it’s making them feel a bit pressured / panicked. I’d slow down a bit and concentrate on just saying hi or a couple of sentences and then maybe move away yourself for a bit. Friendships may build slowly from there.

I never had much interest in developing friendships purely on the basis we both pushed out babies around the same time.

Nope.
I drop off then I piss off to work.
But then I’m an antisocial introverted zero interested person....so much so that I have earphones and music on from the moment my kid enters the classroom.
No fecker even approaches me thank Christ.

Social distancing is bloody genius for me, earphones, nearest person 2 feet away from me, marvellous.

@crosser62- amen to that!! 😆