Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

Just have a few questions up your sleeve ‘been up to anything nice today’ is often a door opener. Leads into other questions. If you don’t want to chat wait in the car and arrive with no time for waiting outside school gates.

I never had much interest in developing friendships purely on the basis we both pushed out babies around the same time.

Do you think that maybe if you took the time to get to know them you might find these women are slightly more interesting than just having pushed out babies around the same time?

I really don't get the label "mum friends". Surely they're a diverse group of people who have lives, jobs, circumstances, interests other than their kids?

I'm an introvert who struggles with small talk but sometimes you just have to make the effort to see below the surface, if even just to teach my child how to treat people well.

I dont think that setting out to make friends at the school gate ever works out. I chat with people who want to chat. I have put my hand up to be a class rep when we start new schools so I am known, but I happy to keep to that level.

Most people say hi and smile. Some make some small talk and that's all I need. I dont want to talk about my personal life with people I'm only around because we're in the same current situation. That's just friends of convienance and they dont last.

In fact after 4 kids I have stayed in touch with one NCT mate.

Yes be friendly but honestly dont expect to make any meaningful lasting friendships at the gates. Once the kids lives move on so do these friendships. It's all very superficial at best. Invest the energy into your existing friends

Oh my aren’t you all such super cool girls not needing any new friends

Yes, yes I am indeed super cool

Seriously, it's just I don't send my kids to school for me, and I'm opinionated, and it takes a while to get to know people, and when would I see them anyway given I have no time to fit in my existing longstanding friends???

Not everyone is the same. I am glad for the mums that did hook up.

Plus the drama problem is true. I've seen some proper arguments between school parents, when their kids fall put etc.

I would happily chat to you! I’ve seen the plus side of parents being kind and friendly to one another.

I met friends in the school gates and 4 of them have seen me through thick and thin over the last 21 years

Oh yes, the PTA Facebook groups and WhatsApp chats, the one where the head teacher had to intervene and ask everyone to moderate their comments and not bitch about other people's children.

So yes there are going to be some aloof mums like me who just cannot be bothered anymore

Hang in there.
Not everyone is rude....

Mine is starting today and a friend from work’s children go there already. She’s on the PTA and has loads of friends there. I feel a bit of pressure to make friends too lol

Oh my aren’t you all such super cool girls not needing any new friends

Um no... I just didn’t like them! Sorry if I don’t enjoy bitchy WhatsApp groups that exist solely to slag others off! I’d rather find something more constructive to do with my time thanks 🙄

this thread is depressing we moved from my beloved London to the countryside (also lovely but oh so different) because we simply could not afford to buy there. In the year and a half since then I’ve met almost nobody besides the postman. DD1 ended up going to a nursery attached to a private pre-prep as it was close by but we knew we wanted her at a state primary so I didn’t feel I could really bond with the mums there who were going to send their kids to the prep. She starts school next week and I am so hopeful that I can find even one person to be friendly with because as much as I already love my friends I’m desperate for someone local just to get coffee with or do anything!

Now it appears that I’m best off not bothering

@Ineedtobecalm

Oh yes, the PTA Facebook groups and WhatsApp chats, the one where the head teacher had to intervene and ask everyone to moderate their comments and not bitch about other people's children.

So yes there are going to be some aloof mums like me who just cannot be bothered anymore

Oh yes this.

For me the risk of getting embroiled in this sort of drama far outweighs the possible benefit of making a new friend.

We move a lot (on average every 2 years) so I don't really bother making school gate friends. I wouldn't be rude and am quite happy to chat but getting invested is often more bother than it's worth. I would hate to think I'd made anyone feel the way you do though. I tend to wait and see who my dc is talking about, then invite that mum and child for a play date/coffee/gin (time of day dependent 🤣). Made some good friends this way and it feels more natural.

I'd love to make friends at the school. My DD started in reception last September but because I work I'm never there at drop off only at pick up. Because of this I haven't really made any friends or chat to anyone outside the class. This was pre Covid and it'll be different now from next week as parents are encouraged not to chat at all and everyone has staggered drop off times. I'm also older than a lot of the other mums so I'm sure they see me and assume I'm the grandmother etc

Mums at school aren't a different breed. They don't stop being individuals like you the moment they get to the school gate.

This. Generalising hugely but my experience (backed up by the responses on this board!!!) has been that British people in general are culturally more reserved and closed to meeting new people. We're lucky to live in an urban area with lots of different nationalities. Again, huge generalisation, but many of the non-British mums seem very friendly and open to new people and experiences (which makes sense if you're willing to move countries and try living somewhere new) and this seems to rub off on the rest of us so most people are friendly and willing to chat round here.

Second hang on in there friendships develop quite fast you only need a few like minded souls. Sad that groups of women judged “bitchy” and “dramatic”. Not characteristics I recognise in the women I have met locally.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Do you mean that a lot of the comments from other parents are along the "Argh Johnny was such a terror this weekend" lines? Some people bond like that; it's a way of relating to others.

I dunno OP. My daughter is just 3, so I'm not sure how qualified I am to comment, but FWIW I was/am that mum who knows just about everyone with a child in the area - NCT friends, pregnancy yoga friends, baby bounce friends, friends in the neighbourhood, their friends who I clicked with... it's WhatsApp groups a-go-go here. Yet at nursery drop off and pick up there's literally nothing beyond "Hello" between me and the other nursery mums. It's just not happening, for whatever reason. Can't force it. I'd feel wretched if my self-esteem hinged on that group of people, and it'd be silly to allow that.

@Minimumstandard

Also people who move countries don't have established friendship groups, siblings, parents, longstanding hobbies so they are often simply lonelier.

MN is full of introverts, nothing wrong with introverts but they aren't the majority and so it isn't a good representation of your average school gate assortment.

How old are your kids? Is it only the eldest at school? I found I made more friends through playdates than school gates although our school ran this brilliant coffee morning I used to go to and that helped get to know people, it also gave the ones who didn't want to meet people an easy signal to leave off.

I agree that often mums know each other beforehand. My kids have been to two primaries in smaller towns and I always wondered how a lot of the mums seemed to hit it off and be in friendship groups straight away, just turns out they are know each other already- sometimes from antenatal classes or nursery, sometimes from way back and are family friends (quite common in smaller places where everyone knows everyone). Then you have the mums you never see because they work and a childminder does the drop-off.

Oh my aren’t you all such super cool girls not needing any new friends

Don't know how cool I am really butthat's the poin, I don't NEED friends, but would make them if we clicked. People who need friends tend to hone in on people that they wouldn't really be friends with if the weren't desperate, so it's not real friendship, just filling a need. I'm too busy to make endless small talk with people I don't get on that well with, and imagine lots of people are the same.

It must be hard moving to a completely new area, but surely this is one of the things you think about before you move? Still contact your old friends etc

@Needtogetbackinthesack

Most of the mums at my school seem perfectly nice but I have no interest in chatting to them.

I'm a loud, opinionated single mum who doesn't really deal with small talk. I like political debate and mums who seem like they won't judge if I rock up late because all the mums stopped for a bottle of prosecco mid afternoon and drop the F bomb. My kids are feral but I also completely judge people who don't have a strict bedtime routine and a policy on E numbers. I'm also really busy and don't want to waste precious time with people I don't love because I'd rather spend it on my kids or my close friends/partner.

I'm a very acquired taste, I know a lot of people don't like my type so I tend to stick to my group so I can't offend anyone and don't have to watch my tongue. 'Nice' people who embrace motherhood and join PTAs aren't my tribe. They probably are grateful of that fact and wouldn't want to be in my tribe.

It's just horses for courses. Don't be offended by it, your tribe will be out there somewhere and they will love you and be the ones leaving other conversations to talk to you!

I'm sure you're a great person but I would actively avoid anyone who would bombard me with "political debate" while their feral kids ran amok. Small talk has a purpose, which is to subtly weed out those who are capable of socially-sanctioned interactions before reaching a deeper level of communication. It isn't just idle chit-chat.

Crikey. Some of the replies on here. You don’t sound like you’re expecting too much, just a bit of friendly small talk at school! I’m always happy to have a chat if I see people.

Sounds like you might be one of those annoyingly positive parents.

Sounds like you might be one of those annoyingly positive parents.

Words fail me.

I don't NEED friends, but would make them if we clicked

This is exactly it. I have friends already. If I had clicked with school gate mums it would have been wonderful but I didn’t, I did not like their behaviour.

It’s not wrong or weird to choose your friends carefully and to not be so desperate that you’ll be friends with literally anyone, even if you don’t particularly like them. Some people happened to have made life long friends at the school gates, others have not. Neither is wrong! You wouldn’t expect everyone to have met their husband/wife/partner in the exact same way so why on earth would you expect it with friendships?!