Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

@HashtagSoup I was just joking around about you being in some sort of weird staring match.

I do think you’re being very harsh on very young children though.

Most children naturally develop friendships with the children they like and have a connection or common interests with, and resent being forced to be friends with children they don’t particularly like. Choosing friendships is something that comes naturally to most neurotypical people from early childhood.

It can be much harder for children who have ASD to make friends (or adults with ASD) and of course parents and teachers should do whatever possible to make sure those children are not excluded, but in general I think kids are less angsty over pressure to be sociable or to be fair to everyone.

As someone in their early 20s who doesn’t have children yet, I find the dynamics of the school gate so interesting. It’s funny that this is a “thing” where you feel such social pressure/hierarchy.

My mum and dad worked full time so would literally drop me off/pick me up without socialising with any parents, but they got to know my friend’s parents at parties etc or through social media.

I reckon if I had kids of school age, I wouldn’t bother with people at the gate. I have enough friends and it’s just small talk for the sake of small talk, which I hate.

Poor OP

I was a recent immigrant and definitely looking for friends for myself as well as my DC

Lucky enough I found some

I got to know people through volunteering for the PTA

As on MN, lots of mums are way to busy for that, but I had the time and inclination and fit to know some great people

I think you’re placing too much pressure on yourself by expecting to “form friendships”

I still think people are misunderstanding. I don’t go around actively looking to make more friends but I also don’t feel like there’s a cap on how many people I can be friends/friendly with. Of course all friendships differ in how often you see or talk to the person or whether they’re more of a passing chat friend or someone you’d go to dinner with, but it’s the ‘my life is too full to even engage in a chat’ attitude I don’t get.

The park thing has been blown out of all proportion - I was walking my dogs, got chatting to someone and ended up arranging a drink. in fact a lot of people stop and talk to me and ask about my dogs/ask to pet them and some other local dog walkers have become good friends, are they all weirdos making emotionally manipulative demands on my time?

I just don’t find it a hardship to be nice and inclusive to people because I’m not a massive arsehole

Being nice and inclusive to people is something we can all do. Thats not the same as committing to be friends with someone you just bloody met or giving strangers your phone number. Having no time to chat at the school gates simply might mean you are busy, maybe have to get work, other places etc - if you assume everyone with no time to hang around to chat with you is being an "arsehole" then I think you have quite a few cognitive distortions going on there that you might want to examine...

It's not a ‘my life is too full to even engage in a chat’ attitude - if you feel you're being misunderstood, well, I feel you're misrepresenting what's been said. There's no problem being civil and pleasant to someone, but it's not the same as developing a friendship.

Some people are saying that though, there’s literally been comments saying if someone tried to talk to them they’d walk away!

I have enough friends

Here we go again.

Oh sorry, must have missed those. Doesn't apply to me then

@Needtogetbackinthesack

Most of the mums at my school seem perfectly nice but I have no interest in chatting to them.

I'm a loud, opinionated single mum who doesn't really deal with small talk. I like political debate and mums who seem like they won't judge if I rock up late because all the mums stopped for a bottle of prosecco mid afternoon and drop the F bomb. My kids are feral but I also completely judge people who don't have a strict bedtime routine and a policy on E numbers. I'm also really busy and don't want to waste precious time with people I don't love because I'd rather spend it on my kids or my close friends/partner.

I'm a very acquired taste, I know a lot of people don't like my type so I tend to stick to my group so I can't offend anyone and don't have to watch my tongue. 'Nice' people who embrace motherhood and join PTAs aren't my tribe. They probably are grateful of that fact and wouldn't want to be in my tribe.

It's just horses for courses. Don't be offended by it, your tribe will be out there somewhere and they will love you and be the ones leaving other conversations to talk to you!

Do you also posts memes about how 'if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best' on Facebook?

No-one has the time to be best friends with every other parent in the playground. On the other hand, a few kind words occasionally towards someone who is a bit lonely could make their day. It isn't really very hard. Any of us could find ourselves in changed circumstances where our '273 closest friends' aren't around and we could do with a few more people to chat to.

Essentially people should at least be cordial, don’t need to be besties
A recurring problem is the cliques and that’s offputing

Staringpoodleplottingrottie you don’t sound like a very nice or friendly person - you call other posters “massive arseholes”, defend a really nasty post accusing people of being xenophobic bigots simply for not feeling obligated to befriend strangers, and keep twisting things other posters have said.

I also don’t feel like there’s a cap on how many people I can be friends/friendly with.
Good for you? Not everyone feels the same way or has the time or emotional resources for that.

it’s the ‘my life is too full to even engage in a chat’ attitude I don’t get.
If someone has to start work at 8am and has to go straight there from dropping their child off from school, of course they aren’t going to hang around chatting the way SAHM or people with looser work schedules do.

weirdos making emotionally manipulative demands on my time?
Stop twisting things. Are they complete strangers who demand that you start a relationship with them otherwise they’ll falsely call you a bigot? Because that’s what the “emotionally manipulative” comment referred to.

Due to my life circumstances I sometime have people try to befriend me for the wrong reasons, or prior experience has made me wary. There are people I would be very unlikely to consider as potential friends. I wish I could be such a Pollyanna but I need to protect myself, my time, and my existing close friends.

there’s literally been comments saying if someone tried to talk to them they’d walk away!

The only comment like that I’ve seen was from someone with a MH condition.

Didn’t stop the Judgy Judies.

Sorry, OP, but I find your comment about the other mums disliking motherhood, and resenting their children, a narrative that you have told yourself, and you now believe.

Let's face it; it's easier to think that way, than to think that we might might be the actual reason they avoid us.

And, be honest...even if this was the case; they wouldn't be your type of people, anyway, would they?

Start by building up your inner confidence, and knowing your worth. Your value is not defined by the School Gate Mothers.

@Ablackrussian

Sorry, OP, but I find your comment about the other mums disliking motherhood, and resenting their children, a narrative that you have told yourself, and you now believe.

Let's face it; it's easier to think that way, than to think that we might might be the actual reason they avoid us.

And, be honest...even if this was the case; they wouldn't be your type of people, anyway, would they?

Start by building up your inner confidence, and knowing your worth. Your value is not defined by the School Gate Mothers.

I wouldn’t bother apologising. OP never came back. Clearly on some sort of wind up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP they call it the playground but it should be renamed the battle ground.

There is no rule that says you should be friends with any of these people. They are not your friends, they are mothers of children who attend the same school.

There are better places to make friends who do not have an agenda and boy some of them do such as not associating with you if you are not middle class is one... how you speak, what you wear, what car you drive, what your postcode is.. I could go on.. do you really want to befriend people like this ?

Wow my daughter is too young for school but I'm really saddened by how reluctant everyone on here seems to be about making friends... I assumed it was natural to form friendships with local parents. Most of my friends are childless (mostly by choice) but I also like meeting local mums, as someone above said, there's no set limit on how many friends one can have. Good for you OP I hope you find some nice people to chat to...

AbiBrown
What people are saying is there is no pressure to make friends, and if you try too hard you won't be making the right choices.

There is nothing wrong with making friends but we choose friends for reasons of compatibility and not because we are all mothers of children at the same school

Theres asd in my family and I suppose I display a lot of traits. I am the crazy chatty mum and also the nothing to say mum. I'd say some of the mums pity me and so they talk to me and I dont mind, my kids are my life and I have some good friends too so I'm happy to stand by and listen to the weather talk and not really be involved in more nitty gritty stuff!

I avoid that other mum because she is discriminatory to my SEN child. She is rude and tries to ostricise us.

So today I told her to fuck off. Was meant to say it to myself but said it a bit too loud - either that or she lip read. Either way, she can totally f off

@rainwaterflow

Staringpoodleplottingrottie you don’t sound like a very nice or friendly person - you call other posters “massive arseholes”, defend a really nasty post accusing people of being xenophobic bigots simply for not feeling obligated to befriend strangers, and keep twisting things other posters have said.

I also don’t feel like there’s a cap on how many people I can be friends/friendly with.
Good for you? Not everyone feels the same way or has the time or emotional resources for that.

it’s the ‘my life is too full to even engage in a chat’ attitude I don’t get.
If someone has to start work at 8am and has to go straight there from dropping their child off from school, of course they aren’t going to hang around chatting the way SAHM or people with looser work schedules do.

weirdos making emotionally manipulative demands on my time?
Stop twisting things. Are they complete strangers who demand that you start a relationship with them otherwise they’ll falsely call you a bigot? Because that’s what the “emotionally manipulative” comment referred to.

Due to my life circumstances I sometime have people try to befriend me for the wrong reasons, or prior experience has made me wary. There are people I would be very unlikely to consider as potential friends. I wish I could be such a Pollyanna but I need to protect myself, my time, and my existing close friends.

Well, I’d argue that people who believe in this finite friend quota aren’t very nice. To me that’s an inherently hostile trait. Being nice costs nothing. Of course that’s very different from people trying to befriend you to use or exploit you, that isn’t what I’m referring to. I also have MH issues but I don’t use them as an excuse to be rude. As a PP said, anyone could find themselves in a position where their usual friends aren’t there and they need someone. The “I’m alright Jack” mentality is one of my least favourite things about British culture, what happened to the idea of society?

The only real reason to make friends with other mothers is so that my only child gets playdates. Otherwise it would just be me and him. Which is not good for him.