Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

This thread is weird. Two bizarre extremes.

Either 1. You HAVE to make school gate friends otherwise you'll be alone forever! lol what- no you wont, how on earth do child free women manage then with no school gate to make these essential friends?- do they just remain alone and friendless forever? Or maybe, just maybe, the school gate which lets face it, only lasts for a short period of time, is just one way out of MANY to make friends. If you dont make life long friendships in the 10 minutes it takes to pick up your child you are certainly not doomed to be friendless forever, you simply make friends in other ways. Its not bloody mandatory.

or 2. "every woman at the school gates is a horrid bitch and I'm better than them". No, you arent. School gate mums are people just like everyone else. Some you will like and some you will dislike - just like in any walk of life. You cannot get the measure of someone's character in 10 minutes of chat in the playground. People are often stressed then, or in a rush, and may have a million things on their mind and a million appointments to get to. They have other things on their mind than having to coddle you. You are a grown adult. If you want to ascertain if you can be friends with them then approach them and strike up a conversation. You have 50% responsibility in this venture, its not solely up to them to seek you out and tend to your feelings of loneliness. You are a grown adult who is perfectly capable of reaching out and making an effort too.

It IS sad, you'd think there'd be some natural solidarity, but there really isn't.

Actually, I think this thread proves that there is solidarity. Just not all the time and from everyone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@nevertakethechillpill

God, just got back from school run and I hate it. Very closed friendship groups. I've tried. I wouldn't care but it means my son has no friends because I don't.

I don’t understand this at all. Surely he’s making his own friends in school?

I have some lovely friends I made through taking my kids to nursery and school. I really enjoy their company and we have lots to talk about or do that isn’t about our children.

We also help each other out with things like lifts to hobbies / swimming / parties etc.

I like meeting people and even if someone isn’t like me or vice versa as adults we can adapt our expectations of the friendship or acquaintanceship.

I am friendly and will talk to anyone, however I struggle with groups, so if there are a few people there whom I normally speak to, and who don't necessarily speak to each other, I am a bit flummoxed because I don't know who to speak to. I think it's hard in the morning especially because people are rushing and are usually a bit stressed, and it might be that they need to speak to another specific person.
Mine went back yesterday and I forgot how difficult it can be.
I would say to you op if you feel they're awkward with you don't bother with them, look around, there will be someone else feeling exactly the same as you.

Perhaps you're trying to hard or with the wrong group?

I don’t understand some of the posts on this thread surely it’s perfectly normal for someone to want to try and make friends?
For some mums their other friendships may have drifted a bit after having kids etc. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a great friendship group already. Some people do make good mum friends. It’s nice when people are friendly, being aloof and standoffish isn’t for everyone.

My experience is that first time mums are looking to make friends so if there are lots of first time mums when your child starts school it is easier. I made lots of lovely mum friends who I hung out with for years until I emigrated. By the time I had my third I found it hard enough to make time for the friends I already had, I also knew that first time reception mums had no tolerance for the demands of older children in the same way that I couldn't be arsed with their toddlers so I made zero effort.

I think you're expecting too much.
Also, they don't really resent their DCs but I wonder if they sense your judgement of them as 'resentful parents who aren't enjoying it as much as you'.
Some parents (and it's dad's as well as mum's ime) have a complicated dynamic at the school gates. They share little stories about their DCs (which you may be reading as resentful) but actually the undercurrent is about being very competitive about how capable they are. I think you're misreading the room on a lot of what is happening.

@Ginorwine30

I don’t understand some of the posts on this thread surely it’s perfectly normal for someone to want to try and make friends? For some mums their other friendships may have drifted a bit after having kids etc. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a great friendship group already. Some people do make good mum friends. It’s nice when people are friendly, being aloof and standoffish isn’t for everyone.

See, I will be polite, and pleasant, but I'd find it weird if someone approached me with the intention to Be My Friend. They don't know anything about me! So why?

I make friends slowly, it takes a lot more interaction with someone than playground chit-chat to decide to be bosom buddies.

And I'm much more wary than I used to be of those needy vibes, in my experience of people who push too fast to be "friends" (the dreaded 'invite herself for coffee at my house' type), they turn out to have no grasp of personal boundaries or be straight up CFs.

Can someone explain to me what you're thinking when you see a total stranger and decide 'I want to be her Friend', I'm not being snide, I honestly don't get it.

Some of the posters on this thread sound awful, I’d hate to be bombarded with political nonsense while at the school gate

But it has reminded me of one of my favourite cringy things that was posted on another similar thread. Just awful:

I am a mum hear me roar.
I made a human being and I am forming the next generation
I wear my uniform with pride - my tribe know me

^I am a mum hear me roar.
I made a human being and I am forming the next generation
I wear my uniform with pride - my tribe know me^

Oh god 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The thing is, are people still going to stand around chatting at the school gates now we have all the new school rules and regs due to Covid? Our school starts back on Monday and dd is in a new class with only 2 girls she knows from her previous class, she's nervous about making new friends. Now normally, as much as I cringe at myself having to employ doing this, it does help to get chatting to the other mums and get to know any that my dd has mentioned liking their child. An invite for a play date at ours usually follows, then there's the birthday parties that usually help kids and mums get to know each other... A lot of mums at our school are very strategic in these getting to know you methods, they were pre Covid anyway...

Will doing these things be possible now? They've always been ways to get to know other mums, but also for helping kids make new friendships (I'm talking primary level here obviously, not when they've older and get phones and can bond / arrange things themselves). Standing around chatting to get to know other mums, the certain groups of mums in their squads and cliques, arranging a coffee date with a few people, and kids having birthday parties with more than a couple of friends - are these even possible at the moment?

Quite an anti social bunch here and they are all so proud..
Look Op,I have made friends with a couple of mums at school gate.Mums like me,who looked friendly and approachable.
So pls ignore all these bunch here who seem to think every mum at school gate will despise you.

I think one of the issues is that people here have often lived here for life and have all the friends they need.

That definitely rings true for my DC’s school.

It’s not a very mobile population, so a lot of the parents already know each other before the kids start Reception.
It’s natural and understandable that parents will gravitate towards other parents that they’re already friends with, or acquainted with, in the school playground, but it does make forming friendships harder for parents new to the area.

Some good advice I had was to treat the school run as work - sure, it’s great if you find new friends there, but, ultimately, trying to make friends is not why parents are at the school.
So continue to be friendly, yes, but don’t go pinning all your hopes on school being the place to meet new friends. It might be worthwhile thinking about other ways you can meet new people and get to know them.

I wouldn't care but it means my son has no friends because I don't.

That sounds quite mad to me. At DS's last school, I did the school run once a week, if that, so I never knew any of the other parents. I invited his friends to come over and play at the weekend, and their friendships went on from there, regardless of whether I knew the parents or not. In fact, I made good friends with the dad of one of DS's friends, but only after we got to know one another when he came to pick up his daughter, or I went to get DS from their house.

Jeez, some sour responses on here. Nothing at all wrong with trying to chat to and gasp be friendly with parents you will see most days for the next 6-8 years!
But I guess you have your answer OP, if the parents you’re trying to chat to are like many on this thread. And the more eager you are, the more of a thrill some of the nastier types will get in seeing you excluded.
As some nicer pps have said, it can take time for friendships to form so don’t give up! Meanwhile, so that you don’t become too unsettled by all the rejections, try to develop a life away from the school too. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up on school friendships (why should you?) but you’ll take the cut and thrust more in your stride if you haven’t put all your social eggs in one basket.
Also you’ll make friends more easily by having something to say/do with them apart from random purposeless coffees. Especially if small talk is hard for you (it is for me!). Consider going on the PTA? - if that’s your thing, and it sounds like it might be - and proactively organise fundraisers around things you like doing...cycles, swims, quiz nights? Then hopefully you’ll meet people like you - joiners who want to be part of the school community - and those school gate conversations will start to flow🙂

I've just moved my son's school and I'm loving not knowing more than a couple of other mums who I knew from my son's swimming class and nursery. It's liberating.

I'd especially avoid someone who thinks that parents who 'resent' the children are inferior as it sounds like you do. They don't resent their kids they're just bantering. You're a better mother though, obviously, because you 'enjoy' your kids.

These threads always drip with contempt for other women.

I agree @trixiebelden77. I don’t understand why so many posters on mumsnet hate the very idea of making new friends outside of their already established friendship group. The special contempt for other school mums is depressing. It’s same contempt I read about on work threads where mumsnetters are horrified at the idea of being friends with people you work with.

I made one of my best friends at the school gate, and another with a fellow governor when I was a parent governor.

Mumsnet has a lot of smug introverted xenophobes on these threads.

its easy to write off other mums but if that's all op has got at the moment! there can be a strange immovable current in some areas

I agree. I’m still friends with people I met when DD was at toddler group. She is 20 now.

Schools are different. In fact year groups in the same schools are different. It's not about posters being unfriendly or being mean. If you're in a friendly year then fine but if you're not (and it sounds as though OP isn't) then it's better to be realistic about it.
We've had very different experiences in different schools. Our friend had very different experiences in the same school - her older DC's year group are very unfriendly. The younger one's year group are much nicer.

I don’t understand why so many posters on mumsnet hate the very idea of making new friends outside of their already established friendship group.

Yes I agree with this! It always makes me wonder where people DO find their friends in the first place if they are so averse to even speaking to people in their sphere. Maybe they just pop out fully formed from under a gooseberry bush or something.

@honeylulu

I don’t understand why so many posters on mumsnet hate the very idea of making new friends outside of their already established friendship group.

Yes I agree with this! It always makes me wonder where people DO find their friends in the first place if they are so averse to even speaking to people in their sphere. Maybe they just pop out fully formed from under a gooseberry bush or something.

I’d go a step further and say there is an odd competitiveness on MN of not having friends at all. A lot of people on various threads say they have their husband / partner and children and have no need for any female company. It’s rather odd and a bit sad.

I don’t understand why so many posters on mumsnet hate the very idea of making new friends outside of their already established friendship group

I can think of many reasons. If you already have great, reliable and supportive friends and a limited amount of free time due to kids, family commitments, full time jobs etc, its likely you barely have the time to keep up with the great friends you already have let alone having even more spare time to meet up with yet more friends.

I have a great group of wonderful friends and I wish I had the time to see more of them. I work full time now, have kids, family commitments and I simply dont have time to spend ages hanging around the school gates chatting because I'm always in a rush to either get back to work ASAP or get the kids home and have shopping/chores to do etc.. If you have oodles of time to stand talking to people- good for you! But many of us dont. Its not that we "hate" other people, far from it, its that our lives are already so bloody jam packed with stuff to do that 10 minutes at the school gate is literally all the time we have and our priority then is to pick the kids up and get home. Not to make more friends to add to the pile of stuff we already feel guilty that we dont have the time to do!
Is that really that hard to understand?

It’s not sad ffs! Just because it’s different to how you live your life doesn’t make it weird or sad.

And I say that as someone who has made friends with a couple of school mums.

OP I totally get where you're coming from. I am naturally a chatty, friendly person and have lots of friends in normal life.

My DS is 10 and the Mum's of his classmates are lovely. We could have a chat etc. Totally different story with DDs (age 8). I didn't particularly want to befriend the Mum's as such because I have enough but her BFFs Mum's stood in the same group every day and make plans for their kids hobbies. They would never ask a question or reciprocate play dates. During lock down all her BFFs had a birthday and we called to everyone with a gift (socially distanced). I just rose above it and continued to be friendly. They are all friends on social media and I know I'll never be part of their gang but I don't want to be! All I wanted from them was general chit chat and reciprocated play dates for my daughter's sake.