Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

I loved it when my youngest could be left at the gate, but before that I used to sit in the car with her until just before the bell at drop off, and the same at pickup! I work full time, so only did a couple of drop off/pick ups per week but I dreaded the playground! She went to a school in a very affluent area where most of the mums were stay at home because their husbands had high powered jobs, some were nice, but most just wanted to see how far up the head teacher's behind they could crawl and I found it all very fake and very competitive. Think frilly aprons and cake baking with a Cheshire cat grin (can you tell i really didn't like it!) The ones I did befriend had similar views and were much more down to earth. So op, don't take it to heart, it's just the way it is in the playground!!! I couldn't wait to get out!

Sorry you are going through this OP - I moved from a liberal, bohemian town to my old home town and despaired of ever finding like-minded friends. Everyone seemed much more hung up on appearance and one-upmanship. It has taken a while, but I now have several close schoolmum friends. I don't understand people saying "why would I want to be friends, just because we pushed babies out at the same time?" - that could I apply to any scenario - "why would I make friends at school, just because we were born at the same time?" "etc. I don't have a quota of friends which, once filled, can't take any more. I hope that you meet some people who are more on your wavelength. Good luck!

Hi OP

You sound nice, but if you said more than just hello + a brief comment about the weather, I would probably look at my shoes, and "escape" at the first opportunity, because I'd feel trapped in a conversation I didn’t instigate, with someone I didn't know. It can be quite stressful.

However, if you said hello regularly (and left it at that), you'd become a familiar face and then I'd be more tempted to start a short conversation (talk a bit about my kids, ask about yours), and build things from there.

I get it OP. I didn't have much luck making friends when my eldest was at school - I did try. I was very lonely and maybe I gave off desperate vibes. I was in envy of all the people who had plenty of friends already and didn't want any more! (I had friends in my home town and in London where my uni friends had moved to but I'd stayed in the uni town and gradually everyone moved out.)

When people post threads on here talking about friends treating them badly, they're always advised to dump them and make some new friends. If only it was that easy! So many people don't want or need new friends!

I was lucky in the end as I reconnected with someone from antenatal class. We had a polite/ distant acquaintance for a few years, then I was invited on her 40th camping trip away and we bonded over booze and filthy senses of humour. She welcomed me into her fold of friends and we're still a loyal pack nearly 10 years later.

I have a much younger child now at school and the other parents have been friendlier this time. Maybe it's because I look less desperate or maybe they're just nicer people, I don't know.

Also people who move countries don't have established friendship groups, siblings, parents, longstanding hobbies so they are often simply lonelier.

Based on the responses on this board, I definitely wouldn't be encouraging them to move outside of London and other urban areas if they need human connection and value their mental health .

@HashtagSoup agree with you -wtf on here sometimes. she just wants someone friendly to have a coffee with and has been ignored and wonders why!

You may just been unlucky OP.

It’s difficult breaking into existing friendship groups, especially when there’s only a short window of opportunity during drop off and collection. I quite often have quite specific things in mind when I turn up on the playground; something I need to arrange with another Mum, an idea that’s occurred to me, or even checking up on another Mum who I know has been having a hard time.

At other times I make an effort to look for people standing alone and chat to them. There are only 2 people I can think of who I might avoid. The first is a lovely but very quiet Mum who I used to make the effort to chat to but, as polite as she was, I always got the impression that she’d rather be standing alone. No offence was taken and I leave her in peace now! The second is the Mum of a rather mean girl who DD and many of the other girls are quite frightened of. She is an absolutely lovely woman, but is blind to her DD’s behaviour and will fish for confirmation that her DD is just misunderstood. After some very awkward conversations, I now try very hard not to catch her eye!

Small talk has a purpose, which is to subtly weed out those who are capable of socially-sanctioned interactions before reaching a deeper level of communication. It isn't just idle chit-chat.

This is a heavy way of putting it, but as someone who isn't engaging on purpose I agree. I wouldn't go on first dates if I wasn't looking for a new relationship, I don't want to start off small talk when I'm not really looking for new friends.

I'm super friendly at work and interact closely with dozens and dozens of people each week, with lunches etc. So maybe also I'm quite talked out! That's before I get to the people I am long term friends with.

@Minimumstandard we did the move, we are a bit different from the majority of the community (we eg more left wing and a bit foreign) it hasn't always been easy but kids make friends with eachother. also we were really pleased to live rurally and try and contribute to the community.

Blimey! I think some of you miserable mums are missing out. I have been that rushing in-and-out mum but I have always been very happy to chat to people although recognise the cliquey (usually Lycra-wearing) tribe.
When your kids are at secondary school you don’t see other parents so it’s good to have some knowledge of who’s who for the inevitable dramas that occur.
OP I can’t believe the responses you had on here! Move up North where people are friendlier.

@Zandathepanda 😆- just come back from highlands/borders/lakes trip and totally agree!! whats our problem down here??

@stovetopespresso. I'm glad it's worked out for you in the long-run . We're a bit fucked up in this country in a lot of ways...My parents are still "newcomers" (although no longer "outsiders" ) in the village where they've lived for over 15 years.

@Minimumstandard

Also people who move countries don't have established friendship groups, siblings, parents, longstanding hobbies so they are often simply lonelier.

Based on the responses on this board, I definitely wouldn't be encouraging them to move outside of London and other urban areas if they need human connection and value their mental health .

Maybe not. People are so busy! But hopefully they will find each other!

Don't dads drop off too? My grandchildren are taken to school by whichever parent can fit in the start time, and collected using the same criteria. Both families have a couple of friendships that have developed via their DC. None have ever been regular school gaters. Quite a luxury these days I'd have thought.

Everyone talks to everyone in our playground ( it's generally a good mix of mums and dads) but it's just general chit chat unless you already know each other or your kids are good friends. We live in a small village though so most people know each other by sight.

Although, I'm not keen on long chats in a morning as I work so either need to dash off somewhere or get back home.
I may come across as rude sometimes but it's just cos I'm rushing.

Do you have a class WhatsApp? I've notice someone parents form friendships from that.

I have one long term friend I met through my eldest starting nursery school. I’ve always found other parents to be really competitive and judgmental, maybe that’s because I’m from a “rich” area of London, I’m not sure. So I’ve always dropped and run with my younger ones, I have my own well picked friends I don’t have time or energy for playground politics and bitching.

I’m nice though I’d always talk to people if they wanted a conversation.

I feel for you OP, I think some of the responses on here are really odd. There are clichés about school mums, drama at the gates etc but I must have been really lucky to avoid all that. I work full time, used to use wraparound care and was only there for "proper" pick up a few times a week for my son who's just started year 2. We have a WhatsApp group, around half the class mums engage quite regularly, but its not all about school stuff, sometimes its stuff in the local area, family things, offers to help out with shopping during lockdown etc.

Generally there used to be chit chat outside the classroom when waiting (not this week as we have a 5 minute window to drop and run) but there was a lot of smiles and waving yesterday between parents on the first day back. Some parents don't engage and its clear they don't want to, and that's ok - they aren't obliged.

I'm an introvert and found it hard not knowing anyone in the first year, but generally if you just say hi and smile a few times, anyone who wants to exchange small talk will do. I'm also on the PTA but my interaction is limited to wrapping presents for disco's and supervising when my own kids are there! I'm not what MN would call a typical PTA mum I don't think!

Yeah lots of the comments a bit arrogant on here. And talking down about mums. I get what you mean about not enjoying the kids. Some people seem to bond over talking about how hard parenting is and how difficult their kids are. So maybe avoid those people. I’d start with a quick hello and smiling. Then once your child starts to make a few friends, you can talk to those mums a bit more. And let it be more natural. Rather than going in on the first day and Trying To Make Friends.

@SecondTimeCharm

this thread is depressing we moved from my beloved London to the countryside (also lovely but oh so different) because we simply could not afford to buy there. In the year and a half since then I’ve met almost nobody besides the postman. DD1 ended up going to a nursery attached to a private pre-prep as it was close by but we knew we wanted her at a state primary so I didn’t feel I could really bond with the mums there who were going to send their kids to the prep. She starts school next week and I am so hopeful that I can find even one person to be friendly with because as much as I already love my friends I’m desperate for someone local just to get coffee with or do anything!

Now it appears that I’m best off not bothering

Hey, I’m with you, and the OP. We’ve been in not-London for a few years now and I’m still struggling. My daughter is at nursery and I don’t really coincide with any other parent drop offs there. Plus lockdown, no toddler groups.

I think one of the issues is that people here have often lived here for life and have all the friends they need. Plus, I’m definitely Not From Round Here, which doesn’t help.

So, even if you’re in that privileged position of having a lovely close-knit circle of friends and family, maybe be a bit friendly? I’m nice. Other people will be, too.

Ah sod it, I’ll be your friend op! My youngest has just started reception too. He likes the pink soap!

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.
Do you mean that the other mums talk about the annoying things their children do? That is a pretty common way to make polite conversation with other parents - firstly to show that you are not a "scary" mum who gets it all right effortlessly, and secondly because it's easier to joke about mishaps and mistakes than about things that are going well.

That's not to say that you need to start collecting stories about how your child left big handprints on both of your boobs and you didn't notice. But I would wonder how you react if someone tells a story like that in an ironic way - "the little shits!" - would you be scandalised and reply seriously rather than laughing? In which case, maybe these particular mums are not for you, and you just need to find a crowd more suited to your nature.

Whatever the issue is, make sure that you don't slide into paranoia, it's so easy to do if you are an anxious type.

strange post at the minute.. our return to school you drop and run.. queu up to get the kids and go

That said My closest mum friend we made friends naturally sat on the park.

Lots of people I spoke to every day on the playground I don't speak to at all evxcept if I bump into them as they weren't friends they were just people i chatted to everyday.

You sound much more interesting than the people you’re describing. I tend to feel like a bit of a misfit and seek out other misfits, they normally have interesting and different lives and perspectives

Not interested in getting pally with the school mums at all.
I overhear the conversations, they can be incredibly gossipy and bitchy.
I fly through the playground on drop off and race too work, then hang in the background on pick up.
My worse nightmare would be to get involved with them.

I used to get upset about it until I realised that they are not really my kind of people.

I just asked myself why I wanted to be friends with people who were really not that bothered about me.

I don't really like that kind of person and I deserve to have people around me who value me and so do you.

Move on and don't give it any more thought. I have and I am much happier now.

Good luck.

It is their loss.