Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

I'm scared to make friends because I don't really trust people (bad experiences in the past) so if someone new started talking to me I'd probably be wary of them for this reason which is kinda sad I guess

Also wear trainers and trachy bottoms...this appears to be a people deterrent too. I highly recommend the “homeless” look.

My mum friends tend to be in 3 camps, ones I made when kids were very young at baby groups (genuine friendship will meet up without kids if times allow) , ones that are my kids friends mums (stay for a cuppa when dropping for a play date, take kids places together) and class mate mums who are more acquaintances and we say hi, chat about weather and school stuff whilst waiting for the kids to come out. My kids are 12 and 8.

OP, people can be quite snide about the school gate and the other mums on here with people being quite proud that they despise all the other mums and would never dream of making friends.

I am a school gate veteran having just sent my youngest off to secondary school

School gates are tribal as others have said and perhaps you just haven't found your people.

However, a lot of it depends on the school demographic. You said that you should perhaps try to be a little bit more disparaging about your children/parenting style which was interesting. That would work if you were trying to make friends with me but equally I know a lot of mums who are very proud of themselves as parents and it wouldn't work with them.

Also your appearance can be a big factor at the school gate. When my DCs were at primary school number 1, I was overweight and scruffy with bad hair and no make up due to stress/being busy and found I got ignored. When they went to primary school number 2 (house move), I was slimmer and had more time for myself and found a lot of the mums were much friendlier. Generally however, the attractive, well put together mums always make friends easily.

FFS, not sure where my paragraphs have gone. They were there on my phone....

Has it never occurred to you that they might be absolutely knackered too and they've got a million and one things on their mind and just want to get their kids and get home?
Are you trying to keep talking for too long? Are you talking 'at' them?
I actively avoid both of the above types of people, sometimes will literally do an about turn and walk in a different direction so that they dont see me (not in a playground pick up, more dog walking / other random acquaintance scenario) so that i dont have to have 10 minutes of mindless chit chat when i just want to get in and cook my dinner or am just really not in the mood.

Wow what an interesting thread.

I really value the friendships I made at the school gate. I was actively polite and chatted to people I stood near early on. Some people I recognised from other groups so already something to talk about. Often just "how is x finding school." In the first week or other really basic topics.

I've now got 2 smaller groups of friends I enjoy spending time with. Im not a prosecco mum and don't like drama so dont relate to the characature of those of us with friends! We meet for coffee l/birthdays and those of us with younger kids often meet up for trips to the park etc.

One group formed as we often went to thr play area after school the same time each week.

Ive often been slightly envious of those with close NCT friends when our group didnt work but it looks like I've been lucky with my group of school mum friends.

I very rarely do school runs these days as I'm now a student and my DC are in wrap around care, but when I was a SAHM I loathed school run conversation.

Being accosted by strangers is horrible for me, I have Autism and ADHD and I can't do small talk, it makes me anxious, I can never remember people's names, I can never think of anything to say and, in general, I just don't fucking like people.

I just think “what do you want?” If anyone speaks to me.
Somehow was in a class WhatsApp group. How the feck they got my number I don’t know. Probs from the school.
Well the absolute horror of that shit show in front of my eyes.
Nope. Delete.
It’s a miracle I even have kids really because I had to interact with someone to make that happen and now I have to talk and interact with the kids. Who, by the way, seem incapable of ever EVER stopping talking from daybreak til sunset.

Earphones & social distancing, I’ve found, do not work on my children. They still insist on talking. All the time talking.
I’m vaguely interested in what they have to say, but some random parent at the front of a building full of random parents, no. Just no.

I think I'm similar but do like connection. I just tell people now openly that I am faceblind and wont remember who people are. Eventually I do or ask the one or two I know well to remind wme which ones which. I forgot that was that hard as now several years in I recognise the few I know well and still have to be reminded for other people/teachers/other children 🤣

I've met some of my best mates through my kids when they were younger. Our kids are in their teens/twenties now, at different schools/stages of their lives but I still see my friends a lot.

Horses for courses I guess.

im Busy with lots of family and close friendships. If we clicked or there was something interesting to talk about Id enjoy chatting, but if you just honed in on me for no reason with endless small talk I’d avoid you, sorry. I don’t have time for a needy new friend that wants to meet up regularly.

I also found the ‘I don’t resent my children’ comment smug. You come across like you think you are better than other mums and want a sidekick to admire you.

To be honest it sounds like you hold yourself above them, you say you like being a mum and enjoy your kids, and consider that you might need to enjoy them less and resent them to fit in, which reads to me like you think that's what those other mums do. Which they probably feel from you and therefore aren't desperate to be pally with someone who thinks themselves superior.
Do you need to be friends or talk to anyone ? Don't you just go onto the yard, collect your kid and leave? X

I'm another one who doesn't have many school gate mum friends. I honestly wouldn't worry about it OP. I'm sure there's no glaring personality flaw involved - they probably just don't know you as well as the other mums you see them talking to. They may well know each other in other ways too - family ties, after school activities, ex work colleagues etc.

If you click with someone then that's wonderful, pursue the friendship. Otherwise I wouldn't give it much thought. There is no rule that says you have to be friends with any of the other school mums. Don't put pressure on yourself.

I struggle to have interest in making friends with other mums at school.
I love the bones of my kids and am very active with them.
But I adore my husband also.
I make sure we have a few nights a month to ourselves for dates/days out.
I find a lot of mums at school gates are the obsessively helicopter type who just have no life outside kid.
No hobbies or want to do anything for themselves.
The type who are like my David won't be sleeping out till he's 22!
So I find conversation a bit strained as I'm more likely to talk about the 12 mile run I went on with the baby in buggy or the night out with hubby where it felt like walking home a 6ft toddler in need of a kebab 🤣.
I'm a mum but it's not who I am just part, a lot of people don't do that.
There's only so long I can stand in a group chat about who's kid is doing what and how they better than Einstein 🙄.
They never talk about themselves or have a giggle.

There are a few people I talk to at the school, mainky because I know them through other things like work, and I have 2 childhood friends that pick their dc up so obviously always talk to them.
I have no interest in being friends with any mums at school, just because their child is in my child's class, and yes, if anyone tries to make conversation with me everyday I do inwardly roll my eyes. I don't mind every now and then but a quick hello is fine.

Also your appearance can be a big factor at the school gate. When my DCs were at primary school number 1, I was overweight and scruffy with bad hair and no make up due to stress/being busy and found I got ignored. When they went to primary school number 2 (house move), I was slimmer and had more time for myself and found a lot of the mums were much friendlier. Generally however, the attractive, well put together mums always make friends easily.

There is a whole lot wrong with this paragraph. I mean really, really wrong.

Some mums look too glam/posh for me, and other mums look rough and scary. At DDs primary school, mums used to joke that the council mums would queue on the left and the private house owner mums would queue on the right. Now at secondary school, the kids walk home, get the bus or parents stay in their cars in the car park.

and I'd be pissed off if you followed me uninvited into another conversation

'mums at school' are just people. People who happened to have children at the same time as you. They're not a different breed who are nice or nasty, any more than the rest of the population.

Your comment about liking not resenting your kids does make you sound a little snippy/judgemental, they could be picking up on that vibe.

I just never thought the school gate was the place to make friends? I chat to some of the other mums, but in fairness, I’m hardly ever there due to work and now I am there in the mornings there is no hanging about as social distancing etc. I’d probably chat back if people spoke to me, I mean I do, I’m not rude, and if we clicked sure I’d be friends. But I’m not actively looking for friendship there and until I joined MN I had no idea that was a thing. I mean, it’s school - I’m just there because I need to take my kid there. I have the numbers of her close friends parents, and we’ll pass the time of day if we see each other but that’s it. And there’s nothing wrong with either approach, but it’s not me being rude if I don’t make friends. I work full time and have pretty much full time care of her myself. My life is kind of busy enough, I barely see the friends I have.

I think I got lucky.

When my daughter started school a group of 6 of us always hung around chatting for a bit and one lived next door to school and invited us for a brew.

We've become really good friends, go out for drinks and food sometimes, have a group chat which is hilarious at times 😂 we just get on very well

Funny thing is it's m a real mixture. Single mum on benefits, stay at home parents supported by partner, part time workers, uni student.

We all have different backgrounds and upbringings and different views in a lot of ways. But it doesn't stop us from being friends s

Our kids are all close friends and some of us have younger children that are going to be in the same class this year.

It's just worked out nicely and it makes the whole school run and school event stuff more pleasant having friends to go with.

Other parents aren't like us, most can't wait to drop off/pick up and leg it, or have work etc and that's fine not everyone has the time or wants to forge friendships on the back of their kid going to school. I wasn't looking to do that but it just happened.

Oh my aren’t you all such super cool girls not needing any new friends 🙄

Slightly hung over from lovely evening with women I met when our eldest at school / playgroup these babies now 14 and most aren’t still friends with each other but 12 years later we are going strong.

Hang in there op.

I must admit I do find all the women who are quick to say they don't get on with 'other mums' for whatever reason a bit 'cool girl'. Mums at school aren't a different breed. They don't stop being individuals like you the moment they get to the school gate.

I don’t know why you’re so keen to make friends with people just because as others said, they gave birth in the same year. It doesn’t mean you’re going to instantly click or have anything in common at all.

I hated the school run, I made an effort to be friendly for a year and it was horribly cliquey and bitchy so I stopped bothering. Their idea of fun seemed to be pronouncing judgement on all the other parents. I have loads of friends in my life anyway, who are lovely and many have kids and aren’t bitchy at all so I assume I must have just been unlucky with the school gates. I don’t understand why it’s so vitally important to make friends with these specific people? As soon as primary is over you probably won’t see them ever again!!