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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do you avoid that other mum?

259 replies

LouLouLouL · 04/09/2020 04:27

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 04/09/2020 08:55

I am a grandparent carer and have done the school playground thing for more years than I care to remember. You really dont need to make friends at the school. In my experience cliques at the school never end happily.

With my two gs's, I was initially politely friendly with a woman who was a teacher elsewhere. As she gathered a little tribe of suitables around her, I noticed a shift in her manner - critical and bitchy about staff, TA's in particular. In fact I would say it verged on bullying. I backed off. It got out of hand with her sons bullying other children. Her "group" split about a year later when her husband went off with one of the other mums. Just sad for the children involved.

I was always happy to chat with others if they wanted to talk to me. Sometimes you just get on with people you really wouldn't expect to so stay open minded.

Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 08:56

I actively tried to avoid making 'mum' friends at school

Why?

Who are these people who decide they have to put a cap on the number of friends they have? Are they people who live a couple of streets away from where they grew up and already have lots of local friends and family?

What about people who are new to the area? How do they make new friends if the local people will only make friends with other local people? Sounds a bit Royston Vasey and xenophobic to me.

Interestingly, all but two of my friends where I live are incomers. Maybe we are a bit like ex pats who stick together because the locals view us with supicion.

zingally · 04/09/2020 08:56

It sounds like you're trying way too hard, and over-thinking it way too much.

OhCaptain · 04/09/2020 09:00

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

@LouLouLouL - What does blustery mean? You’re second comment made me wince. If you give off that superior smugness then it’s not that surprising that people don’t want to engage.

Do you seriously think every mother but you resents her children?? Have a word with yourself!

In saying that, the first reply you got also made me sprain my eyes from the rolling. I don’t want heavy political debate while someone’s feral kids carry on in the vicinity.

So it’s horses for courses. Everyone thinks someone is an insufferable wanker. That’s life.

I would maybe not follow people to other conversations, and not stand there thinking I love my children more than everyone else in the playground.

Have your chats but don’t force anything. If you click with someone it’ll happen naturally.

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 04/09/2020 09:00

I don’t bother, I go in my running gear most days as soon as my child is in I pop my headphones in and then no one talks to me anyway.

I’d rather not talk to anyone if I can help it, I have my own shit to be getting on with and mindless chitchat is just delaying my run, coffee, study and getting ready for work. I don’t need to fit in to feel accepted I’d rather breeze past and just nod and smile at a push. I can quite easily live my life like I did prior kids with a gaggle of school gate mums being what’s important

Ori82 · 04/09/2020 09:01

You’re trying too hard. Why are you investing so much energy into this? What are you hoping to achieve? Lifelong soulmates? You sound just grand as you are......no need to people please. Just step back from your efforts; you’ll be a lot happier. Concentrate on the friends you’ve got, who know & love you.

Friendsoftheearth · 04/09/2020 09:02

I would actively develop friendships away from school, a quick chirpy greeting is more than enough.

Personally I just wanted to drop my dc in and go! Definitely no long debates or anything else, because I am too busy and need to beat the traffic to work./get home for the plumber.

School is not a social club for parents, let your dc make friends for life and stay well out of it. If you are new to this set up you are yet to find out how toxic it can become with the wrong people!

dooratheexplorer · 04/09/2020 09:03

It's not working, is it. Keep doing the same thing and you will get the same result.

Look for friends somewhere else; job, knitting club, yoga class, lady at the library, etc.

Or be like me and just stop bothering!

Livelovebehappy · 04/09/2020 09:04

The only reason I ever used to engage with other mums at the school gate was really for the sake of my DCs. If the mums have some sort of loose relationship with you, your DCs tend to formulate friendships easier. PITA I know, but it’s a necessary evil. Advice I would give is not to come across as desperate and needy. I used to spot people like that straight away, but wouldn’t avoid them. Unfortunately some mums though will judge you on that basis. So glad I’m no longer part of school mum’s playground politics.

BrandyandBabycham · 04/09/2020 09:06

It’s a tricky one. I am so relieved not to be doing the primary school run anymore. I dreaded it so much, it almost made me ill ( I suffer from anxiety anyway). Having said that I have made some really good friends & we meet up for coffee/cake & have Christmas nights out, spa days etc. Hoping we don’t lose our closeness now the kids are at different secondary schools.
My advice would be to relax ( even though I found that virtually impossible!), take a step back & see what develops.

trixiebelden77 · 04/09/2020 09:06

These threads always drip with contempt for other women.

From other women meaning ‘drama’ to being smugly satisfied that you’re the only woman in the world who enjoys discussing politics (😂) to suggesting that you’re just enjoying motherhood too much to be relatable to other women.....the ideas, conversations and behaviour of other women are not only homogenous but also superficial.

The internalised misogyny just seeps out.

SentientAndCognisant · 04/09/2020 09:07

School gate isn’t my world,I rarely drop off but when I do it’s perfunctory. I don’t need a school gate friend. I have friends. Just because we have kids same ages in no way means we will automatically be mates

Ime school gate is cliquey, and the queen bees are fierce . They don’t work and school is their environ

I work and frankly I can’t be bothered with school tittle tattle or cliques

stovetopespresso · 04/09/2020 09:09

its easy to write off other mums but if that's all op has got at the moment! there can be a strange immovable current in some areas

gamerchick · 04/09/2020 09:10

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable

What do you mean by this? It makes me think you're being goady.

Have done the school thing for 20 years. Too much bitching went on for me in primary, just can't be chewed with it.

But if your comment above makes you look as I think it does, this superior air could be off putting, but won't to everyone. Just keep at it.

Venicelover · 04/09/2020 09:12

MN is an eye opener. A window on society!

I think there must be a north/south divide here because some of you posting experiences about the school gate bear no relation to mine.

I have some great friends, many of whom were met at the school gate.

In the north we all chat and smile at strangers more I think!

mindutopia · 04/09/2020 09:12

I hate small talk and I have yet to find another mum at an activity that I have any interest in being friends with. I want to get in, get my child, and get back home. I don't want mum friends really. And I definitely don't want to have mindless chat about our children or the school.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 04/09/2020 09:14

You don’t need to be friends with someone to be friendly to them. Civilised society is based on community - as said you don’t have to be mates but some basic kind pleasantries go a long way. It’s no wonder this country is such a partisan mess if people can’t even be bothered with basic contact outside their ‘normal tribe’. It’s really sad😔. You’ll meet some nice people eventually op, hang in there.

pinkpetal2 · 04/09/2020 09:14

I get flustered when someone speaks to me at the gates I'm ok with my neighbours but any one else I don't like it. I just want to drop my kid of and walk home with my headphones in. I hate when people want to walk back with me or even talk I never know what to say I just want to be left alone when I'm doing the school run.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 04/09/2020 09:15

I never made any friends from my sons year group or by hanging around the playground. I made loads from joining the PSA and volunteering for other stuff at the school as you spend more time with people and then you all get to know each other better. None of us would have got to know each other if we hadn't been thrown into something together.

Sundance2741 · 04/09/2020 09:16

I'm not naturally loud and outgoing but like to be sociable. When my kids were in primary I did mix with the other parents, though it didn't lead to any longstanding close friends. My children are adopted which made me feel different from the rest of the families, and with my eldest, who had obvious behaviour issues, that led to me feeling uncomfortable, especially as I didn't want to make a point of saying she was adopted (but would if it came up naturally).

In her class a huge group of the mums already knew each other, but they were welcoming and some invited me to events and I chatted at different times with most of them. What helped a lot was that there was a play park very close to the school which many people took their kids to after school so it was a natural place to chat. We virtually all worked part time so weren't always in a rush to be off. And it was a one form entry school so quite easy to eventually work out who everyone was. I did click with one mum, but her dd hated mine so sadly that relationship eventually fizzled out.

I also had a friend from work with an older child at the same school so we often went for coffee etc. (In fact I felt she inhibited my chances at making other friends at times!)

The parents of my younger child's class (same school) were a very different set. No big group that knew each other. I never got to know them all but did chat to most - younger dd got on well with other kids, so was invited out a lot more than her sister so there were more opportunities to mix. We did form a group of friends and had pub evenings etc. That class had far more dads doing the drop off and so we mixed as couples, rather than mums. My youngest is now year 11 - we are still in touch with that group, though it's mainly the men that have kept it going. Dd is still friends with one of the kids from the group though they go to different secondaries. But now they make all their own arrangements and travel by bus I no longer see the parents much.

I never saw myself as successful in making friends from my kids primary but this thread has made me reassess that! Think I did quite well in fact.

But it is hard to sustain once the kids leave primary and you no longer bump into them so regularly. Not one mum has become a 'proper' friend - not even any from the pub group (I knew 2 of the dads much better than their partners). We are FB friends only really, plus chat in the street if we happen to bump into each other.

I'd suggest you look for connections however small, rather than breezily introduce yourself. Think of things to ask or make comments on any shared experiences, however trivial. With one parent, who I still know in a casual way as her dd is at the same school as mine, we bonded over tv series. She wasn't very sociable but we lusted together over various actors and she introduced me to new series I hadn't heard of. Nothing to do with the school!!

buzzswole · 04/09/2020 09:18

Haven't rtft because who has time, really.

Talk to the ones standing on their own rather than the ones already in groups.

Sundance2741 · 04/09/2020 09:25

PS I would never avoid anyone who tried to be friendly but some people are less interesting to me than others. 😉

And vice versa. So maybe you are picking the wrong people or have caught them at a bad time. Everyone is an individual- even in a group they won't all feel the same about each other. You just can't tell when you're new to the group.

YogiMatte · 04/09/2020 09:26

Don't try to change yourself to fit in , that's daft.
Some folk are just friendlier than others. DD2s year group mums were always friendlier than DD1s.

Carouselfish · 04/09/2020 09:33

I agree with you OP apart from the maybe you should be more cynical about your children angle. I have one definite mum friend at the gates and then one who I'm friendly with based on our DC's friendship. But I struggle to join in with conversations with others, whereas, while I was working FT, my mum did the pickups and drops offs and made friends with everyone! I think it's because she's genuinely interested in other people's lives and children and I'm not! I mean, I am if I knew the person BEFORE they had children and had a friendship with them, but random mothers at the gate...nope. I don't try to pretend now, but I don't slink away either, just occupy space and smile if others do, make passing comment about something school related sometimes. It IS sad, you'd think there'd be some natural solidarity, but there really isn't. Make friends based on other things OP. For mum related chat, there's always old friends who have also had children or even MN.

nevertakethechillpill · 04/09/2020 09:33

God, just got back from school run and I hate it. Very closed friendship groups. I've tried. I wouldn't care but it means my son has no friends because I don't.