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Original poster

Him or his ex

339 replies

Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 18:22

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 02/09/2020 19:11

My first question is are you sure you are dating? Does he think you are dating or he thinks you are just two friends meeting up?

Secondly what's so great about his? He seems too enmeshed with his ex and still far away. Why are you interested in him at all?

AvoidingRealHumans · 02/09/2020 19:12

My advice would be to bin him off, you can't change him.

Graphista · 02/09/2020 19:16

1 it's absolutely none of your business how he parents THIS early on - you're barely even dating

That said

2 if he's struggling to find free time to see you that suggests he may not be genuinely single - if he's still with her he can hardly "say no to her" because the reason he's saying no to parenting their children/being part of their relationship is to see another woman!

3 even IF he's genuinely single

"He moans to me how bad she is"

Is a major red flag anyway, again ESPECIALLY this early on

Throw this one back op he's not for you

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:16

We have been in touch for a year...he's helped me with lots of stuff.

Not sure if officially dating but he has said he would like to try...... it's his laid back attitude that's pissing me off.

I admire him as a father but just letting me down so she can go out doesn't sit well. He says no point saying anything as she does as she pleases so wont make a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:17

We have been in touch for a year...he's helped me with lots of stuff.

Not sure if officially dating but he has said he would like to try...... it's his laid back attitude that's pissing me off.

I admire him as a father but just letting me down so she can go out doesn't sit well. He says no point saying anything as she does as she pleases so wont make a difference.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/09/2020 19:19

'He won't say he has plans if she wants to swap nights' sounds very like 'he can't tell his wife he's off on a date' to me. Have you been to his home?

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:19

Definitely single and split up with her.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/09/2020 19:21

Bin him off.

He's not falling over himself to be with you, stop accepting the minimum effort he offers.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:29

I know single as his ex on fb and lots of pics with new boyfriend etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:30

He just takes it...I'm just last priority unfortunately. If I say anything he words it as he's doing it for his kids and I don't understand so then I feel guilty for expecting more

OP posts:
vapeinafleshlight · 02/09/2020 19:33

Have you got children of your own? He wants to spend the time he can with his kids and that's a good thing. He's in a situation where he has to share them and his priority, rightly, is seeing his kids as much as possible.

user1493413286 · 02/09/2020 19:34

I would really urge caution with this guy; there are lots of threads about men who don’t put any boundaries down with ex’s and it causes ongoing issues. My DH does his best to put boundaries in place with his ex but we are still messed around on a regular basis. I underestimated how difficult it would be to have someone’s ex have such an impact on my life and now my DCs life. By what I’m saying I don’t mean don’t go out with men with children but I do think you need to be prepared that this is what life will be like for a long time unless he is prepared to put boundaries in

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:37

Yes I have kids.

I have no problem with him sharing them...its when he plans to see me...she decides she wants to go out and so he says okay and cancels me. He had 70% time anyway.

OP posts:
seensome · 02/09/2020 19:37

If he was a true friend or interested in you in anyway then he wouldn't be letting you down so much, people come up with excuses when your not a priority.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:38

He has them 5 nights anyway she has 2. So only had 2 free nights and if she decides she wants them off too he just accepts it

OP posts:
Jay670 · 02/09/2020 19:43

He is proving that you are more into him than him into you. Don’t waste your time with someone like this. It will lead to a lot of disappointment.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:44

It already has jay a year's worth ☹

What do I say to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:45

How do I word it? I know I'm being made bottom of the list but I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 02/09/2020 19:46

You mean he puts his kids first before you OP which is what he should be doing.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:47

We have stopped talking before...he always comes back. It's like he won't commit but won't let me go

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 19:48

It's not about kids...I think it's great he's a good dad. It's about the odd night out we plan he always cancels as his ex has plans and he won't confront her

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 02/09/2020 19:48

@Pinotgrigio33

He has them 5 nights anyway she has 2. So only had 2 free nights and if she decides she wants them off too he just accepts it
There's tonnes of mothers in this exact situation, she has them the majority of the time and then if the father decides he wants to do something on the day he is supposed to have them he just says tough and doesn't show up to collect them or whatever!

There's nothing the mothers can do. They can't force the dads to take them so have to just accept it really!

user18534687433234 · 02/09/2020 19:51

Get rid. You won't get the last year back by wasting more time on him.

We have been in touch for a year...he's helped me with lots of stuff.

I'm sorry but that means nothing. Very little effort involved in an online "relationship" and playing at being wonderful. It's not real - this man now who doesn't value you is real.

user18534687433234 · 02/09/2020 19:55

he always comes back. It's like he won't commit but won't let me go

Because it makes him feel good that no matter how shoddily he treats you, you still keep hanging on for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2020 19:56

What do you mean he won’t let you go? If it’s not working for you - it’s not - then walk away or at least dial things right back and have some agency, take charge of your life, contact him on your own terms.

He’s not the boss of you and he’s treating you like an option while his ex is his priority.

If you want a relationship it’s going to have to be with someone else and you can do better than being binned off at short notice and made to feel like crap.

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