Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Him or his ex

339 replies

Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 18:22

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 16:38

You say take the hint which I do as I never initiate contact. It's always him phoning me etc

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/09/2020 16:38

Honestly, I mean this gently but you’re kidding yourself.

It’s been a year, it’s only been a couple of dates. He cancels at the least opportunity. Honestly. It doesn’t get any clearer. He’s just not that into you. I’m sorry op. But he’s not.

KatySun · 05/09/2020 16:43

Well, basically he wants you to be there when it suits him to chat and support his ego basically, but won’t really give anything back. You totally deserve more than this.
It would not be hard for him to arrange childcare so you could go out if he has the children regularly. But he has not done that because he knows fine well he can just keep chatting when it suits him and you will hang on, but he does not intend to follow up in a meaningful way.

You have given a year of your life to this. Honestly, it is not worth giving any more. Block the chat, get some therapy and look out for yourself! This situation is not going to suddenly change.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 16:45

I understand I would feel awful blocking with no explanation though.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/09/2020 16:48

To be fair I don’t think you should block him as that’s rude. But you do need to understand you’re a back up plan for this bloke, and will never be more. So try to meet other men, don’t go on more dates with this one, respond lesss and less to him and eventually break it. He’s just using you op.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 17:13

Would it be bad to say...

Look just message me again when you can meet up.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/09/2020 17:17

Well no, because you’re still just hating in there waiting for some crumbs,

Just text back and say off out with x, have fun, and don’t txt him again,

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/09/2020 17:19

Absolutely everything about his contact with you is on his terms - when, how, where etc. You're a nice easy distraction and some adult conversation whilst he's stuck indoors with the children but when it comes down to spending real life time and effort on you he's not interested. He may or may not be a good father, but he's a terrible potential partner.

YgritteSnow · 05/09/2020 17:23

Hmm, I preferred being with my kids to anyone else so I never made a fuss when ex H cancelled even the few times he was supposed to have them. I stopped trying to date in the end, my heart just wasn't in it and the effort was too much. Maybe that's how he feels too but he should tell you and stop messing you around.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 17:34

I think he is mainly using me for emotional support...although saying that he helps me out too if I have issues and always tries to cheer me up.

He invests nearly his whole day into me...has come off the dating sites, says how much he likes me and wants to see me.

I honestly don't know if he's just lazy...but pointing it out won't make him change.

I'm liking bluntness's idea... I don't think I can just block as would feel awful, don't want to explain as I sound pathetic and the response will upset me.

There's no other option that just not mentioning meeting again, cutting down the responses.

I don't think he is even aware of his behaviour but that could be me being naive. I know he wouldn't like me to be upset, but telling him won't change him.

OP posts:
littlebirdieblue · 05/09/2020 17:35

He
Isn't
In
To
You

He's not calling or texting because he cares about you. He's doing it because he's bored! And he knows you are there waiting for his contact, you probably answer straight away and prove to him you are desperately waiting to hear from him. I say this because I've been there, I've let a knobhead treat me the way this idiot is treating you. Walk away! The only way to stop feeling the way you do is to block him and go no contact. I had to do this and although it hurt so much and I still craved his contact for quite a while after, it did get better and I started to realise how much calmer my life was without the constant highs and lows of having him in my life.

Block him now and I promise you you will feel so much better, not straight away but after after a couple of weeks you will feel things are changing and you will start to realise you deserve better!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/09/2020 17:41

He invests nearly his whole day into me

But can't you see, he's not investing anything into you. Talk is cheap. You're a distraction whilst he's busy with his DC. The minute he's free, he drops you.

category12 · 05/09/2020 17:57

Chatting online is minimal effort.

Basically he's using you like I use Mumsnet. I'm on a lot but I'm not deeply emotionally invested.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 18:24

He's talking to me now though as if we are together. Saying when we do this do that etc ......

Which is great except we never do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 18:25

He's taking about this place he wants to take me, something else we can do etc....why say that?!?!

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 05/09/2020 18:30

Just go with what you were going to send op, he will either have a light bulb moment as he may not actually see what you are seeing.

Those saying ignore.... I though relationships were all about communication. Just tell him exactly how you feel, how he makes you feel. If there's excuses then you can block and delete.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 18:31

@Pinotgrigio33

Would it be bad to say...

Look just message me again when you can meet up.

Why would you do that?

Stop being his doormat!

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 18:32

@Pinotgrigio33

He's taking about this place he wants to take me, something else we can do etc....why say that?!?!
Because he's enjoying having someone dangling! You're an ego boost!
MsJinks · 05/09/2020 18:40

You’re trying to ‘win’ him - I’ve done that, in a differing scenario- one time (briefly) he spent a full week seeing me every night - I realised I’d been that focussed on winning, impressing - I’d forgotten to assess him as a person - he was irritating me - anyhow, turns out one of his OW was away Hmm - ended up back in the chase - when I withdrew he ‘chased’ - it ultimately ended quite humiliatingly - and it had by then turned me into a person I don’t like to recall. I say ended but he kept popping up - had to go complete NC for over a year. Thing is - if you ‘win’ it’s actually the booby prize - and you’re worth so much more. I’m not sure you’re ready to hear the good advice from posters, but I can only echo their opinions sadly, I know you’re hoping for something else. I spent years in this game, for a few moments of fun here and there - wish I’d cut and run when I had the chance - many chances - instead of more embarrassing memories than good ones. Be kind to yourself - do nice things for yourself, one day you will get up without thinking about him immediately and then you’ve turned the corner.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 05/09/2020 18:59

I feel like I'm in too deep, I wish I hadn't got involved in the start. He was the first person I spoke to when I joined OLD...

The times we have stopped speaking I've never stopped thinking about him so that doesn't help. I thought it would but it didn't.

It's more my mind...I just don't want to feel so upset by this, he isn't.

OP posts:
KatySun · 05/09/2020 19:26

He is totally keeping you hanging on with an imagined future, none of which is real. Actions speak louder than words.

FunorFitness · 05/09/2020 19:44

The poster who said he is using you like they use Mumsnet has it spot on! You are something to distract him when he is stuck in.

You need to get back on to online dating and give other people a chance instead of hanging around for this guy.

Besides which there is n I thing attractive about someone who has nothing better to do than wait around to be picked up and put down. He would probably want you more if he thought you had a life, fun, other people interested.

category12 · 05/09/2020 19:50

It's OK to feel upset by it.

What you need to do tho, is to take control: that means
end it,
stop all contact
and block him for good.
Then go through the pain, ride it out and come out the other side.

Yes, it's going to hurt, but it will be short term. If you keep doing what you're doing, you can drag out the pain and upset and damage to your self-esteem indefinitely.

Inaseagull · 05/09/2020 20:45

You could send him this...

I'm not really enjoying our interactions any more so I think we should call it a day. I want to wish you all the best, but I would prefer to cut contact now.

Then block him everywhere because you will cave if he gives you the slightest crumb of interest.

user1471442488 · 05/09/2020 20:51

You’re absolutely embarrassing yourself. He’s not interested but you want to keep convincing yourself he is. Have some self respect and walk away.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread