Him or his ex

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

Do I say something or just leave this????

Honestly op, I really feel like you're going to get great advice on here, but keep allowing him to keep doing this until he decides it's done.

You should take control, block him, ignore him and forget about him.

Cock is in abundance, its everywhere, there is nothing special about his, he treats you like shit, and makes you feel bad about yourself. There is literally no reason to be with him.

Do yous always talk on an app instead of text or WhatsApp or messenger. I'd find it strange after a year you haven't moved to a more direct way of contact. It would say to me that someone may have access to his phone that doesn't know about you.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Honestly op, I really feel like you're going to get great advice on here, but keep allowing him to keep doing this until he decides it's done.

You should take control, block him, ignore him and forget about him.

Cock is in abundance, its everywhere, there is nothing special about his, he treats you like shit, and makes you feel bad about yourself. There is literally no reason to be with him.

So so so so so so much this!!!

Prove us wrong OP.

No contact, block, move on.

Do I say something or just leave this????

If you want to say something, I'd say 'fuck this shit, I'm out of here' then block. Don't lose your dignity and send something heartfelt and hurt. He's not worth it.

Personally though I'd just disappear out of his life.

Remember exactly how you feel right now and keep that feeling when it comes to him.

You know the definitely of insanity?

@combatbarbie,. Good point 👍. Have you even got his phone number OP?

Yes I know the definition...I'm doing it.

So after him cancelling me tonight...then logging out if the app we chat on ( we do also text) is it best just to leave and not contact? Or send a shitty message?

I feel like I want to say something but it won't provoke a good response back and is just letting him think I'm not bothered better?

Yes have number we speak on phone sometimes

He won't care if you send a shitty message. It won't make you feel better, it won't effect him at all, and he will probably turn it back on you and you'll end up apologising.

Block him, stay silent, move on. Don't be tempted to unblock him.

It will be difficult for a week or two, but when he isn't part of your daily routine, and he isn't manipulating your feelings with constant messages, you'll be ok.

Personally, I would just disappear. You've got to get angry. You're still bothered about upsetting him and his reaction. For fuck sake lady, he made arrangements and let you down - AGAIN!! In a year, he's only bothered to see you twice. You should be raising the bar and not allowing someone to treat you like an afterthought.

This is what is meant by loving yourself. You do allow someone to treat you less than you would treat someone who you care about. You have boundaries where you don't accept someone's crumbs. You're not going to sit around waiting for someone to be bothered to text.

*you DON'T allow

Thank you for all the advice so far.

So he has been having issues this week with childcare etc...but...he had last night free and didn't take the opportunity to see me.

I would usually back off but he's in touch all the time, phoning me checking in on me etc.

I feel stuck, I want to say what I think but I don't want to lose him ☹ I don't think saying anything will achieve anything so I'm going down the route of brief replies, and not making a bit deal out of it.

Was very upset he didn't see me last night when the opportunity arose. I said I wasn't feeling great and was going to bed so he tried calling and was really worried about me.

He does care I think...but just puts no effort in. Previously if a man isn't interested they just fade away but he is in touch with me all the time.

Help ☹☹ I don't think he has any idea how this is coming across.

I agree with the PP about not sending a heartfelt reply...I don't want to give him the satisfaction really.

I just want to know how I can deal with this...for me. I don't want to feel like this about him if he won't see me regularly. I do go on apps and go on dates....not met anyone close though.

Close enough to what? He treats you like shit, makes you feel bad about yourself makes you promises and lets you down, uses you when he feels like it and puts in no effort at all.

You're reading into the one behaviour (messages) that you think proves that he cares . It doesn't, he is likely doing it out of boredom, especially if hes sitting in the house with his kids unable to go out, and you give him an ego boost because he knows he can treat you like shit and you'll still hang off his every word.

Don't worry about dating anyone else, but block this user for your own sanity. He will never change.

If you remain in touch he will not suddenly realise he loves you and start treating you well. It will always be like this.

You're stuck because you choose to be.

He's flakey. He's messing you about and he seems to know that he's got you dangling.

I don't think he's a good dad because I don't think the children are in a secure routine as their mum can pick them up and drop them when she feels like it and he goes along with it.

You don't need all this worry and anxiety of he 'will he pick me or won't he'

Tell him you're done.

Just send a message and say ‘I have been thinking abut us since you cancelled on me and have come to conclusion that we aren’t going to work as a couple or as friends. It is best to leave it there so I will be blocking you and I wish you the best.’

He cancelled for a genuine reason...it's the fact he hasn't tried to put any effort in afterwards though when he has had time..but then there's always a justifiable reason.

I'm torn between sending something along those lines ot just not really replying

Would this be okay or is it pathetic?

I have been thinking about me and you. I know you couldn't help cancelling the other day but there have been other opportunities since we last met than you haven't taken advantage of to meet up.

I feel right at the bottom of your priority list. I know life is busy but there have been opportunities. I would have hoped you would seize them.

Then I feel stupid as we aren't even in a relationship. If he replied with that I would feel even worse. I'd feel worse if he just accepted it, I'm going to feel bad either way.

Don't send him any message OP. Best advice I can give you is to go off his actions and not his words. What does he actions tell you?

@Pinotgrigio33

We have stopped talking before...he always comes back. It's like he won't commit but won't let me go

Well no, it’s like you’re his plan b op when he’s nothing better on. Inc looking after his kids

Seriously. Stop hanging around waiting for when he can be arises to see you.

I'm sick of hearing about his ex too. He's obviously so scared of her it's pathetic.

Christ op. Don’t send that, it’s so needy. Just take the hint.

The exact reason you feel so strongly about him is because he is treating you so dismissively.
He generally makes you feel bad, but you get a dopamine high, or whatever it's called, when he does contact you, which you are fooled into thinking is your strong feelings for him. Sorry but he's a dick. Please get rid; it will hurt for a bit but you'll feel better soon.

I wouldn't send him anything.
Just block him everywhere.

Think about what is there really to lose by ending this?

His actions show me that he's obviously interested to some level to chat to me all day, to phone me up...to check in.

Also show me he's either completely lazy with no drive or he just can't be arsed.

I'm wavering towards no message as his response may upset me. He's going on now to me about his ex....