Him or his ex

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

I would prefer it if I could just view him as something to do when I'm bored too!

I actually don't think he has any idea of how upset I am. Part of me thinks just wait. .see what happens but I've been doing that too long.

But...I do have an active life and I'm out and about eith friends, I still date if the opportunity arise. I'm not sitting in every night waiting.

I like the idea of the text before...but maybe say the lack of meeting up isn't working for me so it's becoming unenjoyable now. Is that still pathetic?

" I've been thinking and the lack of meeting up is making me lose momentum with me and you. It's just not enjoyable without that so I think it's best we part contact "

Or it's not progressing

Op what you have to do here is be completely honest. Don't waste any more of your previous time trying to second guess his vague attention. Tell him you like him you want commitment and you want to know if he feels the same as you feel very unhappy

You need to have self love here Op and you deserve to know if you are in a relationship or not

If he says he isn't interested then this anguish can end and you can start to move on. You are torturing yourself and not believing you deserve commitmwbt.

By the way the ex is a total red herring. He just isn't thst into you and is dangling you for the attention

He's future faking to keep you dangling on a hook.

Op you need to go and get yourself busy. Not pretend that you’re busy but get out with friends or date other people. I’ve been in this exact situation he wants you when there’s nothing else to do. Don’t let yourself be treated this way. Distance yourself, he’s learned already that he can pick you up and drop you whenever he wants x

Thanks for all your replies.

The whole thing is making me feel so anxious it's unreal. I hate messaging and would rather have the convo with him in person but that's unlikely to happen.

I feel like I'm truly stuck....I've let myself be walked over for a year, I've let him come back.

Previously I've pulled him up on it...nicely and assertively. His response is he doesn't want me to be upset that's the last thing he wants so he goes...then comes back.

I just don't see a way out it....sorry, helps to write it down here rather than tell him.

He is always so lovely with his words too and makes out when he does go he's doing it for me.

He's got me well and truly messed up. I don't know if this is the most he can actually give...or if he can do more but isn't

The way out is to drop the rope he has yo hanging on to.

This anxiety will continue until you do.

I’d end it. You’re not happy and he won’t change. Final message then block and delete
You can’t move on otherwise

You're right..I know ☹

I think what I'm going to do is set a deadline, he apparently has next weekend free. I'm not going to mention anything this week re meeting, I'm going to cut back the messaging completely...brief replies etc. Going to keep busy!

If no mention by next weekend I'm done 100%. I'm writing that down so I will stick to it. I'm not giving him the satisfaction in the interim of thinking I'm bothered by asking.

I read somewhere that think of it like a tv...turn the volume down and see what's left.

I'm absolutely sick of it.

The thing is op, he might not even have had the kids last night, it might all have been bullshit. A convenient excuse because he just didn’t fancy it. Then he went into over justifying because he knew what he was doing to you

This guy is stringing you along, it’s an ego boost, someone there who listens to him, is there when he’s bored. He’s made his intentions towards you very clear with his actions. Just forget the words. Look at his actions. What do they tell you? That he’s not interested.

Honestly move on and find someone who is genuinely interested.

Thank you Bluntness...I know, I do try and don't message but then he always comes back.

I have read through the thread though again and again and I'm going to just cut down replies etc. If nothing in a week I'm going to go with:

I've been thinking about me and you and as you haven't made any effort to meet in the last 3 weeks when you've had the opportunity I've decided we aren't going to work as friends / couple. I wish you well but I'm going to block you now so I can move on.

It would be easier if he did just not contact me! He's not been in touch today which is a first.

I even feel guilty if I go on dating sites now
..how pathetic is that!!!

One guy I was chatting to ages ago asked me out so I might go....although I get certain red flags from him too.

I know he does have kids when he says...as he's happy to tell me when he doesn't have them. The excuse/ reason then is work though. I don't doubt it's the truth but as you say I'm bottom in all of it. He could arrange babysitters

If I have said that to him though and given him an easy way out he comes back that he is interested. He's had many opportunities just to agree and say he isn't interested

I have said it's obvious he isn't interested so let's just leave it here before. He then says he is interested it's just the circumstances blah blah

Why the hell doesn't he just agree if I'm giving him an easy out? Probably as everyone says he doesn't want to lose the attention.

What a mug I am!!!!!

So take control, say goodbye and block him. Stop being so passive as to allow him to draw you back in again and again with flim-flam.

He gets what he needs just out of having you hanging on. You don't.

I've been thinking about me and you and as you haven't made any effort to meet in the last 3 weeks when you've had the opportunity I've decided we aren't going to work as friends / couple. I wish you well but I'm going to block you now so I can move on

What and then wait and see if he responds and see if it works in getting him to take more interest?

@Pinotgrigio33

I don’t mean this to be mean, but he probably just wants to see his kids more than his plans with you. He could say no to his Ex but he doesn’t because he would rather see his kids than you (that’s totally fine btw).

It’s not fair on you though. If walk away OP you’ve said your more into him than he is of you his
Making minimal effort. What are you getting from this?

Don’t torture yourself for another week. Make plans next weekend so you are busy. Get out see friends.
If he messages you I wouldn’t answer them. Who the hell does he think he is treating you like this.
If he has his kids most of the time arranging a baby sitter seems very reasonable to me. He hasn’t because...... he doesn’t want to. If he was desperate to see you he would find a way.
Something someone told me, don’t trust what someone says, trust what they do. He’s maybe lovely but he’s not doing enough.

bluntness the aim of the message was to take back some control...whilst also spelling out what the issue is. I know he won't suddenly have a lightbulb moment though, it was more for myself.

He is also very good with sob stories...he has a lot of crap going on in his life. As I am a caring person I almost feel like I should check on him and if he is okay. It's not in my nature to just treat people like this so I find it hard to leave people if they are going through a tough time.

He hasn't been in touch today...I haven't either. He was all over me the other day when he needed some support. He can maybe sense a shift the last couple of days, I've not been as nice or interested.

In answer to what I get in reality -

Uncertainty
Disappointment
Not being appreciated
Worried to say how I feel
Anxious
Pathetic for not standing up for myself

All crap stuff 😁

I feel he cares when he phones and texts and if I have a problem he tries to help. The problem is he won't see me and if he does it's on HIS TERMS ONLY.

Bloody hell when I write it down it's awful. I haven't been in touch as said but I feel guilty...crazy. I guess it would be easier if he just didn't contact me. I don't want him to upset me further.

I guess it would be easier if he just didn't contact me. I don't want him to upset me further.

Why do you see yourself as incapable of shutting this down yourself?

category that's a good question. To be honest because my emotions are involved and it's not what I want. I want him to want me but I know he wont ☹

I guess I think if I do it i will wonder what could have happened...if he does it it's done and I have no choice but to move on.

He's really got under my skin the last year. I wish I was stronger. I'm annoyed with him but also myself. I don't know if I'm going OTT....he seems to give me just enough but never enough at the same time.

I do completely agree with everyone on here, I just wish I could detach from the situation. It's really upsetting me ☹

The thought of being here in another year after another few meets terrifies me.

If he's not interested I wish he would leave me alone once and for all. I think he knows what he's doing. When I look at it like that I get angry at him.

He is very good with words...he can always make what he says justifiable. I feel a little scared of what he would say if I did confront him.

I've never been like this before either.. always been assertive etc had good boundaries

I don't know how on earth this has happened. I don't feel like'me'

That's what "intermittent reinforcement" does to a person.

You know he's not suddenly going to turn round and treat you as more than an option, don't you? Take your power back, this situation is at root of your loss of self.