Him or his ex

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

Delete and ignore. Block him or send him to spam. Do not engage.

Oh he doesn't like me calling the shots no.

He's impossible to reason with as well so you are right.

This is just to make me feel like the bad and childish person I suppose if I'm "falling out".

If I say anything he will say " but we aren't even together " making me appear crazy.

Change your email settings so he goes into junk mail.

Why would you respond to that? Of course you've fucking "fallen out" with him. I loathe faux naivety so much I very nearly said "oh fuck off" out loud when I read he had asked if you have fallen out.

Use the auto-delete rule in your email. Don't even send it to a folder. Auto-delete.

Some of these replies are making me smile thank you..my initial reaction was fuck off too!!!!

I have read the book as well Mr Unavailable and he is textbook. Won't commit but won't commit to leaving me alone.

I wonder what it will be next....my guess is that I'm obviously not as mature as he thought if I I can't be adult about this and communicate.

He has my work email so I'm unsure how to block there. It's not something I want to speak to the IT department about either.

You can usually set up auto archive rules on work email accounts too.

You can use message rules at work too and send to junk/delete!

I think the most important thing about Mr Unavailable is reading and learning about yourself. So less focus on who he is and why he treats you that way. And more about what is going on with you that you have allowed yourself to be the fallback girl. You are the most important piece of this jigsaw. How can you make sure you don't end up as his, or anyone else's, fallback girl again.

Reframe this. You aren't 'falling out' you have chosen to remove yourself from a toxic and unhealthy situation. You aren't children in a playground and you have the authority to choose who you want and don't want in your life. He is no longer someone you want in your life. As is your right.

You are 100% doing the right thing by not replying!! Stay with it!! X

The next step now for you, now you've hopefully disengaged in the literal sense by not talking to him on any platform, you need to start working on ways to disengage headspace wise.

Set the email filter for his address to go to spam and if you do get an email from him delete it before reading. Don't read it. No contact means no contact. You've decided it's over and nothing should change your mind as he's already had his chances.

The amount of headspace you're giving him is disproportionate to the length and seriousness of your relationship.

You need to look up the shark cage and work on yours or this is likely to keep happening with other men - the same cycle with similar types.

Time to work on you now

In response to his “we weren’t even together!” - your response would be “well, than I don’t owe you an explanation for anything, do I?!”

Good job on ignoring. I’m very similar to you - I’d be burning to tell him exactly what I was thinking but that’s what he wants. By removing yourself from an unhealthy and toxic dynamic, you are sending a far more powerful message.

If it’s any consolation, not getting a reply will piss him off far more than anything you could possibly say. You’re proving to him you are a strong woman who isn’t at his beck and call.

Keep going - and post here as much as you need to if it helps ❤️

@Pinotgrigio33

Sorry just catching up here- am I right in thinking you’ve actually only met in person twice!?

TWICE!?

Oh my goodness...I got a message on a social site I'd forgotten we were connected.

He said he knows the reason I am annoyed is because I was annoyed about him seeing his friends instead of me, making out that I had an issue with that 1 night seeing his mate rather than he has made no time for me. Trying to put the blame on me that I don't like him seeing friends.

I'm afraid I replied saying my issue isn't with that specific night at all but my issue is with him saying he wants to see me in general but doing nothing about it ever. Maybe I shouldn't have bit but I couldn't let that be pinned on me.

His response....I don't think there's any coming back from that. I just gave him a thumbs up!

What the fuck...surely he knows the issue and how fucking horrible to pin the blame on me for this. He just wants a reaction I shouldn't have responded I know.

I think he expected me to try and change his mind.. but I thought a thumbs up was sufficient.

Yes wakemeup...he seems to think I'm some crazy needy woman for expecting more than this.

No he said

" he doesn't think there's any coming back from this, which is a shame".

FURIOUS!

I could have really laid into him and I wanted to soooooo much but I would be made out to be neurotic and clingy.

A thumbs up....

I think this is a game to wind me up.

TBF I think you response and then thumbs up
Is fine.

He's a game player and user and you've told him game over.

Glad you are FURIOUS with the wanker.

He will be livid at the thumbs up. She is not allowed to treat me as optional! I am god's gift! She must want me!!!!

Mwah ha ha.

Came back an hour later " are you okay....expecting me to say no I'm distraught blah blah.

Just said yeah why wouldn't I be and hid him on that app too now.

😂

I think you need to leave this alone Op.
This is becoming a drama.
Walk away from him. There's nothing more to day.

Perfect response. Good that he's blocked there now too.

@newnameforthis123

The next step now for you, now you've hopefully disengaged in the literal sense by not talking to him on any platform, you need to start working on ways to disengage headspace wise.

Set the email filter for his address to go to spam and if you do get an email from him delete it before reading. Don't read it. No contact means no contact. You've decided it's over and nothing should change your mind as he's already had his chances.

The amount of headspace you're giving him is disproportionate to the length and seriousness of your relationship.

You need to look up the shark cage and work on yours or this is likely to keep happening with other men - the same cycle with similar types.

Time to work on you now

I know it's a dick move quoting myself but you really need to think about this stuff OP. You're still massively engaged with the toxicity and you've caved and responded to him! Stop stop stop.