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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Him or his ex

339 replies

Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 18:22

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Techway · 06/09/2020 16:55

Op, look up future faking and intermittent reinforcement.

He has you hooked by these tactics, like a drug pusher, lovebomb, pull away, charm his way back and so the cycle continues. You are expecting the high so anxious until he is in contact. The only way is to go Cold Turkey.
He isn't into you, ignore his words as talk is cheap and take on board his actions.

You have control over this, cut contact and after a few weeks the cycle will be broken.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 06/09/2020 17:58

Aslo don't get sidetracked by the "he's a good dad" comments for dropping you to be with his kids. Their main home is with him so it's not like he needs to snatch as much time with them as he can. His DC suddenly needing him for a specific reason = prioritising them. Abandoning arrangements with you because his ex has plans = prioritising his ex.

Think about it this way, if you had say a female friend who you made arrangements with and she repeatedly kept bailing at the last minute because of alleged childcare reasons, people wouldn't be saying "she's just being a good mum" - they'd say she was being a flaky friend you couldn't rely on. The fact we're talking about a dad here is a red herring - if he wants a relationship he needs to put in some effort.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:18

mycat yes...no issue with being a good Dad at all it's not about that. It's about him on his 1 night off dropping me ad she bails and not confronting her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:21

He just panders after her. For context she doesn't work...he has bought a house for her, pays her 1k month spends and is happy if she won't look after her kids. Constantly talking about her, seems scared of her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:22

Whinge onto me about it all the fucking time how unfair it is without doing a thing about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:23

About 60% of our talk is about her......

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:24

Says he's keeping peace for the kids which I understand but I can't help but think he's still into her

OP posts:
kidsdrivingmemad · 06/09/2020 18:31

OP you will never come first.

TorkTorkBam · 06/09/2020 18:36

Your proposed message is ultimate cringing desperation. I winced.

I've been thinking about me and you and as you haven't made any effort to meet in the last 3 weeks when you've had the opportunity I've decided we aren't going to work as friends / couple.I wish you well but I'm going to block you now so I can move on.

Nooooo.

Try "I have decided I don't want to be in this relationship any more, it isn't making me happy. I prefer a clean break so I will be blocking you. No hard feelings, I wish you well."

Then you block him. You won't have to worry about him reeling you back in for a whinge and ego boost in a few weeks time. Definitive end that is about your decision rather than his indecision.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:38

Thanks tork that does sound better and more factual.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 18:41

Thank you everybody...I really appreciate the advice and taking time out to reply to me... just need to get the guts to do this.

OP posts:
RoseTintedAtuin · 06/09/2020 18:52

Good grief he is playing you like a fiddle!
How do men turn sensible intelligent women into neurotic messes hanging on their every text (or absence of text).
You are better than this. Get angry at him for using you like a yo-yo! And for using his kids as an excuse! Text saying sorry this isn’t working for me, I need some time and space from you. Block him before he can respond on everything. Get some friends around and talk about the crappiest behaviour you have all had to endure then move on.

TorkTorkBam · 06/09/2020 18:53

Why does it take guts? What is scaring you?

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 20:01

Thanks rosetinted that sounds a good thing to send.

tork honestly I don't know why I'm scared...I just am, because of how I feel about him.

Disclaimer - fully aware of how dumb I am if it was a friend I'd be telling to get shot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 20:03

I guess it's because am I crazy??? There is no real relationship so do I have anything to be mad at him for or is this just me?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/09/2020 20:03

Op this is going round in circles. You’ve been messed about for a year by this bloke. You know you’ll never end up with him. What is it you’re still hanging on in there for?

TorkTorkBam · 06/09/2020 20:06

I think this might speak to you:
Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

And her follow up:
Qualities That Keep You in a Sick System www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-qualities-that-keep-you-stuck.html

VivaMiltonKeynes · 06/09/2020 20:15

@Pinotgrigio33

You're right..I know ☹

I think what I'm going to do is set a deadline, he apparently has next weekend free. I'm not going to mention anything this week re meeting, I'm going to cut back the messaging completely...brief replies etc. Going to keep busy!

If no mention by next weekend I'm done 100%. I'm writing that down so I will stick to it. I'm not giving him the satisfaction in the interim of thinking I'm bothered by asking.

I read somewhere that think of it like a tv...turn the volume down and see what's left.

I'm absolutely sick of it.

You are not pathetic - many of us have been there . These guys know exactly how to play it . The only way is to end it and go no contact with him . If you see him and talk to him you KNOW he will win you over. When the bad times outnumber the good times then it is time to leave . I won't lie - it is hard but once you are out of this you will think WTF was I doing ?
Dery · 06/09/2020 20:32

“I won't lie - it is hard but once you are out of this you will think WTF was I doing ?”

This. End it. Block him. It will hurt for a bit but YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU!!!

user1481840227 · 06/09/2020 20:39

@Pinotgrigio33

He just panders after her. For context she doesn't work...he has bought a house for her, pays her 1k month spends and is happy if she won't look after her kids. Constantly talking about her, seems scared of her.
Welllllll either that's not true and you'd believe anything...because who the hell buys someone else a house and gives them 1k a month spends.....

OR he's completely and utterly obsessed with her...because if not then who the hell buys someone else a house.

OP you need to realise that up and down the country there are thousands of people going through the exact same thing right now, there's nothing special about your connection. You're an ego boost to him, that's all.

Evreyone in that situation convinces themselves that he must care about them in some way.

foggyfuzz · 06/09/2020 22:43

Keep going OP if you want to end up like me - 10 years down the line in the same situation, seriously, rip the plaster off right now and get it over and done with - you are worth so much more. i know it's tricky because you always seem like the bad guy asking for time when they have children but just text him saying that you need more from a relationship right now and you completely understand that he cannot commit and doesn't have the time, it's really sad but you wish him well and are going to cut contact to make it easier for both of you - then cut all contact!! Please , please do this and spend time loving yourself before you move on, you need time to grieve x

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 06/09/2020 23:29

Sorry foggy what happened to you?

He phoned me tonight....charming as usual but no mention of meeting. I couldn't bring myself to say anything on the phone. It's so difficult we can just chat for ages, it's easy. I do wonder if he thinks he's giving his best but it's not enough for me.

Part of me thinks I should tell him the problem but surely he should know.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/09/2020 00:01

He's keeping you dangling, and that's where you will always be..just dangling.

Bin

popsydoodle4444 · 07/09/2020 00:42

@Pinotgrigio33

Life's too short to be messed around by this man.Block him from your phone and move on;I bet there's a lovely guy out there just waiting for someone like you to come along.

user1481840227 · 07/09/2020 00:46

Part of me thinks I should tell him the problem but surely he should know.

He does know!

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