Him or his ex

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

We have stopped talking before...he always comes back. It's like he won't commit but won't let me go

You take ownership of this. You can end it and stick to it and cut contact. It's entirely in your hands.

I know you are right user

I'm very upset though and does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

Be wary of men blaming their exes conveniently for everything They don’t want to do.
I’ve seen my male friends blame wives and exes so many times “oh I have to go back because that mean inflexible bitch insists on going to her yoga class on MY night” because they are too chicken to say “i just feel like a night to myself”. Meanwhile ex is innocently at yoga class because he said “I’ll take them tonight”

All. The. Time.

So many women fall for this myth that the ex is a demon, or mad or unreasonable- or that the stepmother is [repeat above] and This poor helpless misunderstood man in the middle Is just so trapped by his conscience he can’t do anything but let you down

A few years back I started chatting to a man OLD, progressed to phone chats, but arranging a first date was impossible, he basically was greateful to have his kids whenever ex wanted him to and as much as he could get with no set days and at a moment's notice. The 2nd time he tried to rearrange with 1 days notice, so that his ex could go out with her BF, was the last time I spoke to him. Dating someone who jumps to someone else's tune would set you up for lots of disappointment and annoyance, who needs that? Throw this one back, it's too complicated.

ladamerena that sounds exactly like him. I did point out tonight why didn't he tell his ex he has plans when she asked to swap. He said it would make no difference she does as pleases.

Go and date other people when he let's you down. Unless you are exclusive, why are you hanging around waiting for him?

The mother of his children may not be his current relationship, and quite honestly it's still pretty rare for the dad to be the resident parent, I know a few but it's definitely still far from the usual arrangement.

Re he won't let you go - it's not just up to him! Make your own decisions and stick to them

You're annoyed he's pandering to his ex - you're pandering to him and you've not even been in a proper relationship with him!

Dump, block, get some assertiveness training

Alarm bells ringing for me. He might be divorced but I don't think he's single. He claims that he has his DC's five days a week but his ex chooses to do something on one of her two days? Surely then she'd swap the day rather than not see them at all and he'd rearrange straight away with you? I think he's got a gf and he's stringing you along to kill the boredom by keeping contact. He's let you down before and he'll do it again. Do you really want to be all dressed up and excited to see him to be let down at last minute again? Take control finish it with him and get someone you deserve.

We have stopped talking before...he always comes back. It's like he won't commit but won't let me go

He won't commit because he doesn't want to.

He could easily let you go, but likes having you around for an ego boost, and it's easy for him because he knows you require no effort on his part. You will be dropped the moment he gets a new ego boost or finds someone he wants a relationship with.

You are worth far more than he has to offer you.

You've been on 2 dates. It really shouldn't be this difficult.
End it and date some guys in real life that are close to you.

You are all right but I'm so upset 😪

He's being really arsey with me tonight after him letting me down..again.

I really don't know what to say to him...unfortunately for me I am completely besotted with him...even though I don't want to be. It's torture

Why don’t you have a very frank conversation with him OP? Outline what you are looking for and see whether his expectations match.

I have my daughter 24/7 and have a babysitter when going out, he could do the same.

Your line about you being more into him than he is with you is probably an accurate description. If so you need to move on.

katie I'm scared of what he will say. I'm normally very assertive and in previous relationships. This guy has me somehow and I absolutely hate it but I can't let go.

This has been going on for a year, I just don't know what to do.

I'm very aware how pathetic I sound btw and I don't need telling.

Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. This man is not the one for you.

Why is he being arsey with you?

Don't know why...on the app we normally chat on he logged out. I said why.. he has because I want to.

Honestly.. this man has been under my skin for a year coming and going as pleases. Dropping me as pleases.

Is the best option to speak or just not contact?

Have you dated others in the past year?

Yes I've been on dates had guys that wanted to see me etc and just couldn't ☹

I'm sick of being upset...sick of being dropped on a whim. If I say anything it will be met with " okay I know you wouldn't understand my situation".

He's all over me most days then does this. I actually can't handle it but don't know what to do.

You need to block him and go no contact. It's the only way you'll get over him. You don't need to give him a reason why you don't want to see him any more. Just tell him it's not working for you. It does get easier OP, I promise 💐

You don't have to date other people it's a perfectly valid choice to be happily single.

He's got arsey with you from the sounds of things because he's trying to non confrontationally "walk away" and you're not letting him!

He logged out of the app you normally converse on that's a pretty clear signal he's not interested!

But he's too gutless/lazy to actually say so as it suits him to not have the confrontation/to keep you dangling!

Stop being his puppet!

I can't see it getting easier...it didn't get easier when we weren't in touch. It never gets easier. I'm sick of his attitude dismissive unapologetic...but don't have the guts to say anything.

He's obviously not interested...should i just not contact?

Is it to best to just leave it????? Or tell him to go away / how I'm feeling?

He's not done with her or at least emotionally..... to be with you.
As someone who's been the "new" woman....
Find someone absolutely available !