DP said a very strange thing tonight ?!

[Underpressure13]

DP has called by tonight to hang out for the evening with me and the kids .
When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’
Earlier today my mum who was caring for the kids whilst I worked, cooked some sausage rolls and left the remaining ones we didn’t eat in oven for me to reheat for DP and kids tonight.
There’s no way he’d have known of this as both myself , nor my mum have mentioned this to him today and he knew they were in there without being told or even looking . They hadn’t recently been cooked and place didn’t smell of them.
When I questioned him on how he knew, he just said ‘ oh, instinct I guess’ no further explanation
Is it strange he said that? I can’t quite work this out !!

So where is the 'hidden cam'?

I'd be asking him for all the passwords he has used to set things up on your laptop. Tell h that if he wants the slightest chance of you both moving on from this as a couple still, that he needs to give you those. Then, run for the hills and block him and never see him again. Get the laptop cleared, or better yet, sell it and buy a new one!

He tech savvy but stupid enough to name a file hidden cam. Really OP. And you still went by to have a chat.

Take it to a shop and get it completely wiped and reset to factory settings.

I'm not an expert by any means, but if you transfer your data to a thumb drive to reload after the reset, wouldn't it just reload all the things he put on your computer in the first place?

Honestly, if I had the money to spare at this point I think I'd buy a whole new laptop and start from scratch. And I'd get a completely new email account from a different domain/provider.

I'm another who can't believe he was so stupid in his choice of file names...that just beggars belief!!

Previously I suggested contacting the Police, which I still advise because he will do this to someone else, and maybe has before you, but they might have someone to help restore your devices.

Failing that, why not phone Microsoft? a couple of years ago I phoned them direct because the local computer tech made a huge mess of what turned out to be a hardware problem, which Microsoft diagnosed, and even contacted the manufacturer and went into bat for me. Their website has a contact number.

Firstly though, you will need to copy all of your private files somewhere else so they are preserved, do this before getting anyone to help with the reinstall.

OP, I don’t understand why you are dragging this out. I don’t understand why you went round to see him nor the point in a walk tomorrow.

@Florencex

OP, I don’t understand why you are dragging this out. I don’t understand why you went round to see him nor the point in a walk tomorrow.

This. It's absolute madness at this stage OP, you need to put your mental health and your family before this utter weirdo. What are you thinking talking calmly and agreeing to meet up for yet more talking?! After finding things literally called "hidden camera"?! How can you possibly think this is anything close to a healthy relationship? These talks are meaning you are actively engaging in the drama. You need to ask why, still leave him immediately, stop all contact with him but work on why on some level you choose to keep engaging eg big talks, not doing factory resets etc.

And I just remembered you have kids. So any cameras and he's basically spying on them too. You say you need to learn not put men before yourself and of course that's true, but you also need to not put them before the safety, security and healthy relationship modelling you provide your children with. Stop contact, get a tech sweep done, restore factory settings and if I were you I would at least contact the police for advice before the second and third things on those list as was suggested ages ago. This is serious and it's creepy as fuck.

Are you going to the police? You need to report him before he does it to his next victim!

This may be outing but I have professional expertise in technology facilitated abuse, and "nice geeky men". OP, run, don't walk. You being confused is your instincts saying one thing, and your heart (and partner) saying another; I've been there too much recently and it's HORRIBLE. My instincts were almost always right, though, and all the hoping in the world didn't change that.

I would seriously be considering having a professional security expert check through your house and car at this point, and the phone and the laptop would be gone. I think your partner is really bad news.

If nothing else, why is he the administrator on your computer??
Can't you just do that one simple thing and change it?

& the camera is where? what videos does he have of your & your DC ?
& even now you don't want to at least ask the police if this is a crime?
It is the equivalent of stalking.

I cannot fathom why you would want a ‘chat’ about this? Where are your emotions at? I would be going crazy as hell over this and straight to the police. Where is your anger? I find it very strange at how passive you are about it all and STILL the laptop remains!!??

I dont think you should be asking why he made himself administrator, as we can only guess his motives. The question should be why is he STILL administrator at this point? That you can control, op.

I mentioned her kids pages back.Did it ever occur to you @Underpressure13 he's not spying on you.But your kids.
Men do go after women with children so they can abuse the kids.

I think you're being rather blasé about the whole thing.

Why aren't you more pissed off at him? You have kids you're supposed to protect but you're not annoyed in the slightest.

I have finally ended it . He still insists he did nothing wrong and has no idea how any of that has happened , insists none of those files are to do with him and says I’m of that way of thinking, therefore I’m looking for problems where there are none and he feels insulted that I could imagine him capable of being a stalker / hacker etc etc . He tells me to take the equipment to the police so that at least I will know it wasn’t him .
Regardless of knowing 100% if it was him or not , I recognise it was toxic and not healthy for me . I don’t want to be in relationship again for a very long time as these two have left me spinning with confusion and questioning myself and my own instincts which are usually spot on.
I know it took me 3 weeks to get to this end but I’m proud I’ve made the leap now . Thanks to all of you who helped and advised - not only those who were lovely and supportive but those who didn’t mince their words and were pretty blunt and hurtful too - it all helped to wake me up to the seriousness of the situation .
I am going to take the laptop to a specialist and get my phone looked at too . I might also buy the bug equipment to test the house . Then I’ll factory reset everything and begin again - including a factory reset for myself - one which includes a narcissist detector !
I’m looking forward to a simple Autumn with my family , enjoying the new job and getting my house and life in order - ready for happier times ahead .
Thanks to you all 💐

good luck

He is bluffing, also he has probably remotely removed the incriminating stuff now, as he is administator! So Nothing to hide!

SO bloody relieved by your latest update. Well done.

I'm really confused @Underpressure13
On Sept 1 you wrote

I’m not sure which way to play this now - I’m starting a new job tomorrow

On Sept 6 you wrote

I doubt a busy working mum of two young children starting a new job in the morning really has time to make up stories .

When was the new job??

Good luck Op - look at freedom programme too.

user I think the OP was referring back in the September 6 post. The new job started 2 September, I think.

@Lisette1940 I did think that but then someone else said she's starting her job the next day and she didn't correct.

And that was a lot later in the thread so nobody was saying someone starting a job the next day was lying, they were saying the lies start sooner.

I guess nobody will ever know one way or another. I'm not usually a sceptic (but I do analyse things that seen odd) but there are a few things that don't ring true.

Honestly ! Give me strength ?! All that’s happened and all some of you care about is now whether I’m lying about starting a new job ?! It’s supposed to be a positive thing when a person starts a new job !
I work at a school now - the first start was for the inset prep days the week before and then I started properly the Monday just gone . Prior to that ( in the past 3 weeks or so , I also came off furlough and began a new role which lasted around 2 weeks then I quickly applied for and got this one) Jobs are all over the place in Covid times Incase you’d forgotten . It’s necessary to move fast to keep mouths fed and all that !
Thanks so much for turning the one good thing that’s happened to me recently into an opportunity to question me further . It beggars belief .
Stop shooting women down instead of building them up . Most people don’t come to or use MN to be questioned about their honesty . Maybe some make things up, but I imagine the majority of us are really just after good advice and to try to make our lives better . Please stop this incessant questioning of people when it is totally off OP topic .