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Original poster

Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

233 replies

candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:33

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

OP posts:
Mondaymanic · 23/08/2020 12:37

I'm really sorry but given what you've said already you need to leave him. You can do better Flowers

Original poster
candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:37

Ps I also caught him out about 18 months ago. He went to London to buy my 'birthday presents' and I looked on find my iPhone to see what exciting shops he was in and the blue dot showed he was at the gay sauna again for hours - although he denied it and he almost convinced me I had made a mistake. He's a very good liar! (He doesn't know that I know - I just said I was worrying that he'd gone back there!)

I've also contacted a counsellor for a first appt to work through all of this and work out what I want from life.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 23/08/2020 12:40

You don't need any more evidence, you got all the evidence you needed when he gave you an STD (bollocks did he catch that from only oral!). You shouldn't have to be in a relationship that causes you to have to 'recover from trauma'. He's a bully, a liar, a gaslighter and a cheat. There is nothing to salvage from this.

Beachbodylonggone · 23/08/2020 12:41

You need an sti test ASAP.
You don't need justification to Ltb.
He must know it is imminent..
He is clearly having doubts about his sexuality.. You most def don't need to stick around to support him with that..

VettiyaIruken · 23/08/2020 12:42

He's gay, isn't he? He is probably trying to convince himself he's not.
If it was me, I'd leave. There's really no getting past this imo

DowntonCrabby · 23/08/2020 12:43

Just leave. What will having “more” evidence achieve?

You are worth so much more than this.

Original poster
candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:43

Thank you. I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment. He's convinced me it's all my fault for not paying him enough attention. I feel guilty and to blame.

OP posts:
AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 23/08/2020 12:44

Surely he is gay though? Or at least bisexual. This isn’t the behaviour of a straight man. Regardless, you need to leave him: he’s horrible and mean and a bully and he cheats on you. You can do better than that!!

haveyoutriedgoogle · 23/08/2020 12:44

Your husband is gay. You cannot make this work. Leave him.

Original poster
candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:45

He regularly tells me our bedroom is toxic and sleeps on the sofa. I just need him to understand that I am reacting to the way he treated me.

OP posts:
Spied · 23/08/2020 12:45

Why wait for more evidence? What more evidence do you need?
I think you have quite enough already and he treats you with distain.
You are living a miserable existence.

SilverOtter · 23/08/2020 12:45

He's gay and he's gaslighting you. If you stay with him your life will be miserable. For your sake and your childrens' you need to leave him.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 23/08/2020 12:46

@candycane2019

Thank you. I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment. He's convinced me it's all my fault for not paying him enough attention. I feel guilty and to blame.
He must be some master manipulator to convince you that him being gay and cheating on you is your fault. Even more reason to leave, I’d say.
Starsabove1 · 23/08/2020 12:46

@candycane2019 He’s been lying to you and treating you badly for a long time. What more evidence do you need?

He was very unlikely to catch an STD from getting a BJ. It’s far more likely that STD came from full sexual contact with someone in that sauna. In any case he was not using protection and thought nothing of putting you at risk and then blaming you for his actions. He is scum for that. The only person who made him cheat and lie was him.

Through some gay friends I know that married ‘straight’ men seeking thrills through gay sex are the most irresponsible and promiscuous on the sauna and hook up scene.
They don’t consider themselves gay or bi so think that somehow protects them from catching STDs. It doesn’t. And it doesn’t protect you.

You know he lies. He emotionally bullies and gaslights you. He risks your health and blames you.

Why do you want a man like this in your life? Even being alone would be better and safer for you.

You have your evidence. Don’t bother confronting him, just get yourself out of there, safely.

Original poster
candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:47

He really likes women though. He wants sex with me - he tells me this - and I don't ever see him flirting with men but he flirts with and loves attention from women. He said the sauna experience made him feel ill.

OP posts:
marriageoftrueminds · 23/08/2020 12:47

I doubt you can easily get an std from just oral, I'm not a doctor but doesn't seem likely. You need another STD test yourself after the gay sauna visit.

I don't want to sound flippant because what you are going througn is awful, but why do you need more evidence? It's clear what has happened, you don't need to prove it or to have him tell you. Just leave. Good luck.

backseatcookers · 23/08/2020 12:48

I just need him to understand that I am reacting to the way he treated me.

He doesn't care. He's vile and selfish and so it wouldn't change anything.

Mondaymanic · 23/08/2020 12:48

One guy did this on my friend and I wanted to shake her. She blamed herself. I was like it's not your fault you don't have a penis! Sorry but it's true. He's gay and he's lying to himself and you. Don't waste any more time

Original poster
candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:48

The sauna event happened almost three years ago and he told me about it. I suppose I mean more evidence relating to the recent event on Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
candycane2019 · 23/08/2020 12:49

I'm going out of my mind about what he did on Friday and where he was and who with.

OP posts:
Hwory · 23/08/2020 12:49

You don't need a gotcha piece of evidence to leave this relationship. You do not need permission to leave this relationship.

You KNOW what's happening. He is gaslighting and manipulating you into staying with him.

I know it's hard but you need to draw on your strength and leave him. He doesn't make you happy and is putting your sexual health at risk.

CoffeeRunner · 23/08/2020 12:49

So he has spent time in a gay sauna twice before, to your knowledge, and has been caught lying about his whereabouts again.

DH is at very least bisexual, possibly gay & struggling to come to terms with that/be honest about it.

Honestly, I think you need to make sure the DCs are out of the house and then calmly & quietly present him with the evidence. This isn’t going to go away.

What STI did he catch from “getting head”? Herpes is possible from a cold sore I guess.

backseatcookers · 23/08/2020 12:49

@candycane2019

He really likes women though. He wants sex with me - he tells me this - and I don't ever see him flirting with men but he flirts with and loves attention from women. He said the sauna experience made him feel ill.
Maybe he's bisexual. I am, but I'm not a cheat and I'm not a liar. The gay / not gay debate is a red herring to an extent. He's cheated, lied and put your health at risk. It's an unhealthy and unhappy dynamic. He is cruel and treats you with contempt whether he likes shagging men, women or both. Please don't waste more of your life on this bastard.
Batfinklestein · 23/08/2020 12:50

I think you’ve posted about this before. Just leave. What more proof do you need?

He’s disgusting. You need to leave for the sake of your mental health and self esteem.
It’s good that you are starting to see a counsellor. Hopefully they will be able to help you see that he is abusing you. It sounds like he’s gaslighting you to make you think this is your fault. It isn’t. It’s his. He’s making his own choices. You aren’t making him do anything.

Also I agree with @MattBerrysHair he probably didn’t catch an STD from just oral.

Also agree with the posted saying he didn’t

Absolutelylush · 23/08/2020 12:50

Surely you know enough to know that you can’t trust him, he’s not faithful to you and his behaviour is risky.

No point in trying to find more evidence or analysing whether or not he is gay.

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