Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

Come on OP, you need to have a word with yourself and admit he's gay.
He doesn't want sex with you because you don't have the right equipment to sexually fulfill his needs. Its obvious you don't want to let go but you need to.
He has gave you a horrendous STI, making up a ridiculous cock and bull story which you naively swallowed and is at it again by the sounds of it.
Get another STI test and don't have any kind of sexual relations with him.

OP, you don't need more evidence. I understand why you think you do. I was in a similar position and having that evidence was the thing that meant in my head that I could leave.
Its because I knew that he was going to argue and I'd end up being ground down and giving in.
In hindsight though, that's all it's for though. The only reason you need for leaving is that you want to. That's it. If you're searching for a way out, it's already right in front of you.
Ask yourself a single question. Do you want to stay in the marriage? If the thought of being divorced brings an overwhelming sense of relief like it did for me then that's your sign.

Sounds as though he picked someone up then, or a prostitute.
You can’t go on like this.

@candycane2019

I went to the address this morning. It's a flat or small terraced house - new build - on an estate. Nothing to reveal what it is.

Very likely a random hookup then.

Does it matter? He is cheating on and lying to you and putting you at risk.

This behaviour won’t change even if you agree to have sex umpteen times a day.

If it was only about you not giving him sex he’d be having sex with other women.

It’s about him chasing the thrill of having risky sex with other men.

If he felt sick about his experience at the sauna it was because he got caught, not because of what he did.

OP....

Unless it's herpes its very unlikely he'd get an Std from a BJ alone..

He's been cheating on you.

He has abandonment issues from his childhood and a terrible role model as a father and I have been the one he takes it out on.

I often think of this quote

"Women are not rehablitation centres for badly raised boys"

He also goes through phases where he scours my social media accounts and confronts me with tweets or likes or comments he doesn't like. He accuses me of lying all the time as well - I don't. He thinks I fancy every man I meet. It's exhausting.

I don't think he knows how to be an adult or how to love properly.

Hes bisexual at the very least and I doubt he got std from oral

Not sure you need more proof your not happy and quite rightly don’t trust him

The issue OP is when will you leave? Your marriage is not sustainable.

I don't think it is easy to catch gonorrhea from oral sex, but possible if the bacteria lives in the throat. But you need to stop having any sex with him now, as some STIs like herpes and warts can be passed on even using condoms.

You also- sorry- need to be tested for HIV if he's had unprotected sex with gay men ( or women.)

I guess at the moment you are in shock.

You don't need to do anything today, but you do need to work out a plan, whether that's asking him to leave so you and the DCs stay in the family home, or sell up and share the equity so you can rent or buy.

Make an appt with a solicitor who advises on divorce for a start and also make sure your H can't access or take away any money you have in your own name.

You’re his beard.

He likes dick.

‘I just need him to understand that I am reacting to the way he treated me.‘

No you don’t. You just need him to understand the letter from your solicitor telling him you want a divorce from him.

So he wants to have sex with you but accidentally let a man suck him off twice and it’s your fault? But he’s not gay because he wants sex with you and those two times that you know about were accidents.

Come on op! What do you want? Photographic evidence? Or do you need it to be a female to believe him?

You know you need to end, he will continue to be unfaithful.

Do your research and decide has best to proceed for you and the DC.

It’s like a big red flashing beacon on his head going ‘I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay!’ And you’re both ignoring it. Well, he’s not anymore, but you are.

This relationship is not salvageable. The first time he cheated and gave you an STI, he should have been so ashamed and filled with remorse...but he isn’t. He’s continuing to do it.

You are just his mask op and your bedroom is toxic because he is not attracted to women and sexual encounters with you probably fill him with disgust, possibly why he can’t finish/ stopped.

It’s not you op. It’s the fact you aren’t a man and it’s clear as day.

He’s gay. He’s looking for secret gay encounters. I’m sorry.

You have to kick him out. How can you stand to be near him?

What I would do is find out what benefits I was entitled to if he left. Look at the child maintenance calculator and to to the Entitled To calculator. You will probably find you will get much more than you thought you would.

It must be horrendous living with him.

In the nicest way possible, what will getting more evidence do? What will it achieve?

You need to ask yourself what you want from this relationship because right now you are Getting none of the basics - love, respect, companionship.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship? Do you want them to think that it’s ok for someone to disrespect their partner in life?

Leave, for their sake and for yours. Finances can be easily sorted (though it might not feel that way right now), the emotional impact on you and your children if you choose to allow this to continue will be far more difficult to fix.

Will everyone saying you don't or rarely get gonorrhoea from oral (penis give or receive) please go and look at any NHS or sexual health site. It is surprising prevalent and oral is a well recognised method of transmission.

Ah op 😢 he's gay . Most men are too embarrassed to admit they are . So they get married and have kids but it's always going to be there . I'm so sorry . But you have to let him go . What he is doing is not fair on you or him at all x

I don't know any straight man who would opt for getting a blowjob from a guy instead of a woman (if he was choosing to play away.)

He is definitely gay, or bisexual.

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. He's infected you with an STI from having gay sex with someone else. He's put you in danger and can't be trusted.

You need to leave.

You say 'you need him to understand that you're reacting to the way he's treating you'
I'm afraid with people like this he's never going to suddenly wake up one morning and have that realisation. Theres a narcissism there, he's built this narrative where it's all about him and your needs and wants are secondary. Hes given you an STI and hes still passing blame fgs, the arrogance is astounding. YOU matter, your needs and health should be a priority here too, not just his.
Hes gaslighting you to keep you where he wants you, hes cheating on you and blaming you at the same time.
I'm sorry to say it but hes wearing you down, your self esteem and your energy. As difficult and as drained as you feel its only going to get worse with time.
This is your time to say enough, you have to look after yourself and your children. You need to protect yourself and get yourself away from this man. I know that seems difficult and its easy to put off and say its not the right time. It will never be the 'right' time, its always going to be a difficult and hard process.
What will bring you long term happiness here, can you imagine yourself being stuck in this situation in 5 years time? Finances can be sorted, it can take time but you need to see that theres a life for you and your children beyond this man.
When I was in the depths of separation I would hold onto the image of myself sitting in my own home, feeling at peace and knowing he had no input into my life anymore. That freedom can be out there for you too, it's your life. Take control back

He accuses me of lying all the time as well - I don't. He thinks I fancy every man I meet. It's exhausting.

Typical behaviour from someone who is feeling guilty about the things that he is doing - deflects it back on you.

Because he is being fundamentally dishonest at the moment, he assumes everyone else is as well.

Tbh OP it sounds like it’s out of your hands anyway.
He is at the very least Bi, more likely gay, and he’s had unprotected sex with men. Please get yourself STI, HIV and hepatitis test.

Even if you’re not strong enough to end it at the moment, get your ducks in a row just incase.
Get a good overview of your finances. His in particular if he earns substantially more.
Advice off a solicitor. And check to see if your entitled to any benefits even if you’re in work.
At least you’ll have an idea of where you stand financially if it all implodes or he leaves you.

Speak up a friend.
Speak to women's aid.
Speak to a solicitor.
Make plans to leave.
I promise you your life will be 100x better without a lying, cheating gaslighter in your life.
Take care OP

@Starsabove1 just one small point I want to make. Men don't cheat because they're not getting what they want at home. They cheat because they're cheats. Plenty of people going through low ebbs sex-life wise work it out through communication, figuring out why it's happening, what both parties want and need, etc. This isn't OP's fault.