Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

Just saw your last post.

Staying will hurt your children more, because they will already have seen how he treats you, and it will impact them.

*I worry about the kids and that they would be forced to choose who to live with as they are getting to that age. I don't want to put them through that. My brother went through an acrimonious divorce and my niece now has depression, anxiety and self harms. I'm terrified I'll do that to my two

But you're already risking this by having them growing up in this horrific environment, they don't deserve this to be their childhood. If you can't leave your husband for yourself then leave him for your children!

And please don't blame Catholic guilt for staying either you need to pull up your big girl pants and fix this mess you're in, he's horrible and abusive and absolutely no good at all can come from you staying, he'll never be in that lovely picture with you the kids and the dog, it's never going to happen!

The debt may be in your name but it is marital debt just as your house is a marital asset. You may be able to remortgage and clear at least some of the credit card debt that way.
Get some financial advice and see a good lawyer
At worst you'll have debt which will take a while to clear - at the moment he can keep running more debt up.

You can find the strength, take it one step at a time and get friends to support you, plus decent professional advice

Wtf

You don't really need anymore evidence with all this checking out of your Husband, He lies, he is not responsible for anything,and seems he has to go out and have sex, with who know's who, and to top it all, he blames you for his actions.

Apart from all this, you have two children, who I dare say are being affected by things at home, seeing you upset, and witnessing a Father such as he is.

Good grief OP.

You only get one life you know and life is short. Do you really want to waste it living like this?

I discovered my boyfriend was Bisexual when he left his sex dating site over. Same excuses and blaming as your husband. Don’t even give him head space, leave. He won’t change.

Do you know what goes on in a Male sauna? If there was 20 guys there he could have been with all of them. The guys that use these places are not choosy.

Why's all the debt in your name?

Do you own your home? Could you sell, pay off the debts, split the remaining equity and start again?

I couldn't get past the blowjob from a BLOKE!! Shagging another woman is the least of your worries.

Sorry OP.

I think even the Catholic church would see a promiscuous homosexual husband as grounds for an annulment. It's a long drawn out process but I've met one woman who got one because - mad as it sounded to me - it meant a lot to her to have church approval.
If you're the breadwinner, don't leave - chuck him out and change the locks. then he can take his piddling little hobby and see if it brings in enough income to pay for his gay saunas.

@candycane2019 I wish you could meet my friend's grown up kids. She stayed in a very unhappy marriage because she had been brought up in a Catholic family too. They didn't even have problems of infidelity, or big rows, just no love, little respect, and quite a lot of passive aggression. She eventually left when they had left home, convinced that she had done what was right for her kids. They both told me they wished their parents had split up when they were small. They had been very aware there were marital problems. They talked of dreading going home from school. The youngest told me she felt being made to stay there, witnesses to such unhappiness, was tantamount to child abuse. Put yourself and your children first. They will be much happier living without the stress they will undoubtedly be feeling. Life with a single parent has to be better than what they have now.

Please leave him, you are stronger than you know and have a chance at a happy life.

It will be more damaging to your children as they become more aware of the situation - and perpetuating the 'family sticking together no matter what'

I stayed in a relationship like this for 7 years, I left in a much worse financial position than you are.

What if you become very unwell from an sti, can't provide and he leaves? What if he just leaves?

I mean leave the relationship, not the house! Kick him out and change the locks

You need to stop wasting your time and emotional energy on working out where he is and what he’s doing and why he’s doing it and why his upbringing was so shit and if he’s gay, bi or whatever.

And spend it on working out how you can split up and money and what’s best for the children. Talk about this with your counsellor and then see a solicitor.

Don’t talk to him about it. It’s not about some manipulative game to try to make him do what you want. It’s needs to be a serious plan.

Do you have friends / family / colleagues in RL you can confide in ? It must be someone who’ll be on your side and not preach to you about the sanctity of marriage. He broke that vow when he had sex with someone else. He breaks it every day when he abuses you.

Abuse isn’t just physical.

www.cedar.uk.net/

www.cedar.uk.net/new/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Amoris-Laetitia-on-Domestic-Abuse.pdf

www.catholicfamily.org.uk/what-we-do/marriage/divorced-and-separated-catholics

@candycane2019

Thank you. I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment. He's convinced me it's all my fault for not paying him enough attention. I feel guilty and to blame.

Candy, If he fancies men, nothing you could ever do would make him 'happy' or stop him from being unfaithful with men.

It just isn't possible- and it absolutely isn't ''your fault''.

Loads of men {and women too} feel their Wives/husbands 'don't give them enough attention' but that still doesn't make it ok to be unfaithful.
The fact you were infected with an STI is so unfair- It shows he wasn't even trying to protect you {or him} from infections.
Gay Saunas are set up for sex- Condoms & lube would be available- he chose not to use them.

@candycane2019

Thank you. I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment. He's convinced me it's all my fault for not paying him enough attention. I feel guilty and to blame.

What makes you think you are not strong enough to split up except for the things he says?

You very clearly are strong enough because you ARE doing it already.

YOU are already the main breadwinner supporting him in his 'hobbies'.
YOU are already the financially organised one paying off the debt.
YOU are already the emotionally resilient one and have got through the hurt of his infidelity.
YOU have detached yourself from him emotionally and recognised that he is abusing you.

Seriously, the hardest part is already done BY YOU. You are strong enough and you're in a good position to get him out.

(And an extra thought - if you divorce him now any, debt would be shared between you and him as part of the divorce settlement in the same way as any joint assets. Break your back paying it all off for him now, and then divorce him 4 years later, do you think he'd generously recognise your contribution and pay you back? Would he fuck. You'd end up having to give him a far bigger share of your hard-earned joint assets. )

He is having sex with randoms whenever he wants to. The issue isn't whether he is gay, but the fact that is sexually incontinent and lying to you constantly.
But the point I wanted to make is that you can end this relationship without his agreement. You don't have to get him to agree with you, it doesn't matter what he says or thinks. You don't have to prove anything. You can just decide that it is over. If you want a divorce there is plenty there for a petition on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. He does not have to agree to it, you can just go ahead if you think it is over. No-one will blame you, we all think his behaviour is disgusting. You don't have to cover up or lie. This is not your fault. You have given him loads of chances and he is still abusing your trust, still having sex with other people and not caring about the effect on you. Your children will thank you for it.
Go and get legal advice about the finances, but remember you do not need anyone's permission to end this.

OP you have unfortunately set a bad precedent by allowing him to get away with murder years ago.

Being a woman of faith you must surely understand that your husband should love you like Christ loved Church, laying His life down for her.

Yours is making a mockery to the sanctity of marriage and you are not supposed to endure martyrdom like Christ.

In fact the Christian stance on this would be to divorce to get away from the temptation your husband is subjecting you with his continuous bad behaviour. And keep him in your prayers.

Safeguard your soul and seek peace.

I read you first paragraph and that was enough to make me say LTB. The rest of your OP just added to it.

Seriously OP - what's the point of spending another x years being miserable and unhappy - he is NOT going to change or suddenly start respecting you.

As for leaving - you can do it. I left my abusive ex with the DC, the clothes on our backs and £100 to my name, with the help of the Woman's Refuge. You can leave him and be so much better off without that arsehole.

OP you need to extricate yourself from this shit.
If you had 20 kids with this man it wouldn't be enough to stay.
He is gay or bi, its nothing that you've done or not done. Straight men dont have sexual encounters with men because it's less of a betrayal. Surely you dont believe that?
See a solicitor and gather any evidence you have. Dont subject yourself or the kids to any more of this nonsense please.
You will be ok.

He’s horrible. I don’t think his childhood is an excuse to cheat on you, more than once. I would be seeing a solicitor and getting a divorce, you can never trust him again and his insecurities about what you’re doing will never allow your relationship to be good. He’s abusive and a cheat. He gave you an std!! Ick!

Hes a gaslighting, abusive, disease riddled, gay, debt building, cocklodger who is projecting his behaviour onto you as a way to justify his abuse. I'm not sure what more 'evidence' you need.

Your anxiety comes from him. Look at how irrational he's making you behave right now.
This is all down to him and it benefits him because he needs you moe than you need him, but while he plays you like this you think the opposite is true.

@candycane2019
I see you being much happier in a place with your dear children and a lovely dog.
''Dogs never lie about love''

You will be fine. Have just got home and are able to read your comments properly-
You earn more than your faithless husband, and even if you have to downsize you will be fine.

So many children come from split families these days, yes, it isn't ideal, but your Children sound as if they are of an age where they will pick up on the undercurrents in the house and they will probably cope better than you think- especially if their dad sees them regularly.

Have faith in yourself.
As far as being Catholic goes- Mother Mary, from the statues I have seen of Her, wouldn't want to see you suffer- nor would her Darling Son.
Make a newer, kinder life for yourself.

You have done nothing wrong.

So he's bi or pan. Doesn't matter really.

Frankly it's better to divorce him now for general infidelity than start digging into his sexuality and end up having to go through the "He's so brave and has my full support" hoopla a friend of mine got caught in last year.

You are placing a lot of importance on gaining proof of the last incident, OP - as if you can only justify ending the relationship if you have concrete, incontrovertible evidence of your husband’s infidelity and deception. This is actually not the main issue and is distracting you from what really matters. You need to end this relationship because you are spending all your time in a state of uncertainty, stress and unhappiness, brought on by your husband’s unreasonable and selfish behaviour. You know longer trust or believe him, which is the death knell for any relationship as it makes emotional intimacy impossible. There is nothing left here and nothing to build upon. Ending a marriage with two dependent children is never easy but this is a case where you have to.