Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

You're tying yourself in knots over this. How many reasons do you need to leave this piece of shit? He's controlling, gaslighting, unfaithful, abusive (physicallly - by exposing you to an STD) and emotionally. He will be doing your dc harm. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to have when they're older??

Leave him.

I bet a lot of your anxiety and depression will magically lift once you're away from this lying scumbag.

He might be gay and deep in denial. Who knows? And who cares? But he has been unfaithful to you, repeatedly, and lies about it, and is treating you terribly.

You and your dc deserve a lot more.

OP - so good to hear you have an appointment with a counsellor. So much to consider. I am sorry your DH is such a twat, but I understand your difficulty in deciding what to do. Hopefully, your first sesion will give you the clarity you need.

He regularly tells me our bedroom is toxic and sleeps on the sofa.

Good!

Stay well away from his gay sauna cruising STD infected arse; how many more STDs do you want?

As someone said do you want hiv, it's still an immunity threatening/compromising disease. You've got kids a d you've got the rest of your lovely life to live with your dog (or dogs).

Let him fuck off and go to his saunas and trawl Grindr, you want him to be happy and be himself; right .

You would both be happier apart.

It’s also doubly outrageous that he’s going around picking up encounters with random s in the current health situation. He clearly doesn’t think further than his dick. Don’t worry about the debt at the moment, get him out, then set up an IVA or something similar to make the debt more manageable. Then sort any possible benefits or maintenance. It has to be small steps OP but the first step is to separate yourselves physically and financially

You don’t need more proof. The way he makes you feel is proof enough. Get your finances in order and get rid of him before he gives you a STD that can’t be cured, like HIV. It’s just a matter of time with his behaviour.

OP you are a lot stronger than you think. Do you have a relative or friend you can turn to to help you with the practical side of sorting out finances etc?
Use an online benefits calculator to see if you would be entitled to tax credits etc.
It’s time to get angry, outraged that he would do this to your children, you’re their mother are you really going to stand back and let them be treated like this? You need to channel that and focus on your kids and take a pragmatic approach. Make lists and work out how you are going to get your kids away from this toxic liar. Are your kids back at school yet? If not book a few days away just the three of you and leave your phones at home and just focus on them and having fun.

(And you can be happy; not a woman married to an abusive, manipulative, exploitative, leechy, lying, no integrity, disrespectful (I could go on here) gay or bisexual man).

No wonder you have anxiety.

Bet you do everything with the kids too.

OP from your last comment I can see you worry about your children. As a child of divorced parents I was so much happier with my mum, sisters and the dog than that toxic hell hole my childhood home was.

In our scenario my dad stopped having us at all, as he realised that he was free to shag about if my mum had us all the time.

Don’t stay because you are thinking of the children, leave because you are.

Cross-posted with your latest posts. Kick him out and pay off the debt on your own. He really does bring nothing to the table.

He isnt gay? I think he is.

Don't let familiarity, habit and time together blind you here op; this is really fucked up and it's not your fault. You need to get away from him fir your physical and mental health.

You'll always have a connection with him through your kids and maybe in time you can become civil co-parents etc.

But by then you might see clearly what he is.

Not to hijack OPs post but I think the many assumptions on here that every gay or bisexual man is automatically riddled with STDS is incorrect and homophobic.

The many gay and bi men I know are regularly tested and very responsible when it comes to STIs and protected sex. Far more than any straight man I’ve ever met, regardless of how active they are.

It’s the men who are in denial about their sexuality, cheating or cruising the gay sex scene for thrills who tend to be the riddled ones exposing everyone to danger.

New HIV and STD infections are rocketing in the over 50 heterosexual group.

You know what you have to do, he’s gay, you need to pack his bags and chuck him out, you have two children to think about and your health, mental as well as physical, he sounds a right bully to be honest, you need another sti test, he’s certainly not loyal, he’s gaslighting you , you can do so much better without this shit in your life

I would have dumped him after the sauna.

@candycane2019

I also have terrible often crippling anxiety and he uses this as a thing to get at me with. Blames and shames me and says my anxiety is destructive but he is making it worse.

I have this ideal vision of my and the kids in our own home, with a dog (he doesn't like dogs but me and the kids are desperate for one!) but I know that won't be the reality. There will be days when they will be with him and they are sad and stressed due to our separation. But maybe I'll be happier and a better mother if I'm free.

I worry about the kids and that they would be forced to choose who to live with as they are getting to that age. I don't want to put them through that. My brother went through an acrimonious divorce and my niece now has depression, anxiety and self harms. I'm terrified I'll do that to my two.

He causes the anxiety. I had this with my ex, my anxiety is so much better since kicking him out.

Just say that things haven’t been right since the sauna and you want to split so that you can both be happy apart.

stars no, it’s more,that he’s doing something obviously unsafe. We know that because he caught something.

Gay or straight, unsafe sex is unsafe sex.

It doesn't matter if he's gay or not! He's a liar a cheat and a manipulative arse twisting his behaviour to be the OP's fault. Get rid!

Hats off to you OP! I don’t know how you have bared to stay. You do need to face facts and leave. The disrespect of your husband to give you an STI from another man!! Just leave OP. I wouldn’t even call him out on it!

@candycane2019

I have some male gay friends and sadly married women are often unaware of their Husband’s shenanigans.
For some reason some men don’t feel as if it is “ cheating” if they have sex with a male.

Also, worryingly, they don’t have to worry about pregnancy so don’t use condoms- which is just so unfair to the unsuspecting partner at home.

Do get checked out for STI’s

I wonder if your partner left clues for you to find, as he lacked the guts to tell you himself that he is gay/ bisexual?
Unfaithfulness hurts so much.
Sorry you had to find out this way.
You will get through it - in time.

He is gay and you have already caught an STD what more do you need? You should have left then, you need to leave now.

There is no going back from any of his seedy sordid behaviour.

He has treated you with contempt, he has no respect for you whatsoever. I can't believe you are still with him. Please look at rekindling your self respect, most people would never put up with any of this in a million years.

He's already betrayed you once. Please have the courage to leave him.

Thank you all. I had a very strict catholic upbringing and had it drummed into me that divorce is never ok and that the family unit is the most precious thing to protect at all costs. Absolute BS i know and I don't believe or agree with this at all and wish I had the strength to leave - but I have been conditioned to think that I can't split the family up as it will hurt my children. Catholic guilt has a lot to answer for!

@Mynameisrow

OP from your last comment I can see you worry about your children. As a child of divorced parents I was so much happier with my mum, sisters and the dog than that toxic hell hole my childhood home was.

In our scenario my dad stopped having us at all, as he realised that he was free to shag about if my mum had us all the time.

Don’t stay because you are thinking of the children, leave because you are.

OP, it's most likely that your H isn't gonig to want the kids a lot of the time, because it'll interfere with his gay sauna stuff.

I wouldn't worry about where the kids will want to live, especially if you dangle the possibility of having a dog in front of them.

I would, however, dump this sorry arse asap. And don't worry about where he'll live, that isn't your problem.

He doesn't care about you, only about him and what he wants. He's trying to gaslight you into accepting the blame, when it's his blame to shoulder.

You don't need any more proof. Go see a solicitor, get yourself free.