Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

I'm so happy for you. It's a great thing when the scales start to fall from our eyes!

Keep working with your therapist. Take small (or huge) steps as you grow stronger. Just be careful that you don't take steps 'backwards'. Sometimes getting into 'new territory' is scary and we get tempted to step back into the 'old familiar' even when we know that it's not healthy for us. If you have a 'secure' place start a journal to record your progress. Either keep it out of the house or somewhere online that can be hidden and password protected.

The thing is he isn’t the reason you stay in this poor excuse of a marriage and ‘diagnosing’ him isn’t going to change that. You’re smart enough to know that he didn’t catch gonorrhoea from oral sex, you know he’s lied and you know he’s still lying. So why do you believe anything he says?

The dynamic between you and your H is at best highly dysfunctional and at worst, just plain abusive. You can’t escape miserable marriages when you live in one, especially when as a child you don’t have the choice.

I hope you see the light and LTB, the sooner you acknowledge that staying is a choice is the closer you come to understanding why you make that choice.

Be careful when you go.
As the main earner, he can claim to be the children main carer and demand financial support.

Your H clearly has some issues here about his own sexuality, but it isn’t up to you to resolve them or to be treated poorly while he works out what it is he really wants. I would be showing him the door - you just can’t trust him.

Thank you. I know it's going to be really hard. I'm having good and bad days. Some days I couldn't care less if he is sleeping around/cheating but other days (like today) it's consumes me.

I'm pretty very sure that the property he visited in my original post is a small flat - which in my eyes makes it more likely that the person he visited is a person living on their own or a 'professional'.

I feel so sick and sad and disoriented like I'm living someone else's life.

Have you got a plan on the best way to split? I think forming the ideas fo next steps and choosing what you do next as well as looking forward to it, will help you feel a tiny bit better.

Yeah, tell him everything you know. He needs to be caught out to admit it. Tell him about the iPhone tracker, the flat, the fact you want to split up etc. He's with you for financial stability and because he's been with you for 13yrs it's easier to stay rather than to go. He's not thinking of the kids. Divorces are two a penny now days. Put your Catholic upbringing aside and do something to benefit your own life for once. I for one wouldn't judge anyone with a history of divorce. It seems to be the modern thing now for people to admit they are no good together and to part ways instead of waste their lives. I think it's great people can identify their unhappiness and start again with someone who fits them perfectly. X

My extremely devout Catholic mother-in-law got one of the first divorces in Ireland for far less than this, with the full support of her priest. So please don't let that hold you back. Staying with this man is damaging you and your children, isn't that enough to encourage you to leave?