Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

@CoffeeRunner OP, you must know you don’t get gonorrhoea from someone giving you a blowjob. Yes you can, hope the link works. But what does it matter? Is oral sex at a gay sauna less or a reason to break up with someone?

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320807

Whats it going to take op for you to get HIV hes already gave you a sti so clearly practising unsafe sex.

Now can't find the post I was writing that in ref to - @starsabove1 I think I've either misread one of yours or mismatched a name. Sorry 'bout that.

OP, think of all the hurt he is causing you, in the past and the future? Your never going to be able to trust him? Your always gong to be tearing yourself up wondering what he’s up too? You can stop all this by leaving him. I know splitting up isn’t easy but in the long run you will have less worry, he can go and pursue what ever it is he’s looking for (being bi) and it won’t have anything to do with you. You will also not be running the risk of catching a sti every time you attempt to sleep with him.

He needs to be honest with you and himself, he can’t be faithful and can’t be a good husband.

You deserve so much better than him.

@ancientgran no of course it isn’t any better. It would just be another thing he’s lied about!

Take some time to plan, OP. Look carefully at finances. It may seem hard but there will be a way of doing it. This relationship isn't going to make you happy, and it isn't your fault.
Get an STI check. Plan your future. Then tell him
If it helps, use find my iphone and meet him outside the sauna to tell him. But you really don't need any more evidence

He regularly tells me our bedroom is toxic and sleeps on the sofa.

It's because he isn't into you and is scared to "come out" so bullying is the way to make him feel better.

Thank you all.

Re finances I earn considerably more than him - more than double in-fact whilst he dabbles trying to turn his hobby into a business. I'm the breadwinner and have been for 10 years but most of my income goes on paying the monthly payments for our many credit cards. We have horrendous debt which I have worked out I'll pay back within 4 years if I overpay every month.

I'm not sure he'd be able to afford to rent somewhere on his own. He's staying with me for my money/finances isn't he!

All the debt is in my name...

OP I’ve just recognised you from your previous thread - you’re right, the gay thing is a red herring (the cheating and the STI isn’t). This man has been emotionally abusing you for years. I know you’re worried about debt but YOU are the earner. You may have the debt but you have that anyway. I’d prefer to have just the debt, rather than the debt AND this loser hanging like a millstone off your neck, TBH.

@SoulofanAggron

Herpes can be caught from a bj.

@VictoriaBun Yes, I think it's statistically more likely to come from something more invasive, though.

You don't catch gonorrhoea from Bj's

Apparently you can, but I imagine it's pretty rare to get it that way.

Actually a great deal of genital herpes is passed on from receiving oral sex- around 50% of new genital herpes cases are caused by type 1 of the virus which is most commonly transmitted mouth-genitals. However for other STDs it’s indeed very unlikely to pick up this way (as in the OPs case, I’m not sure it’s even possible to get gonorrhoea via oral sex?) so I highly doubt he is being truthful.

Sorry you are going through this OP, there’s a lot of helpful advice on here.

So he’s a financial piss taker too? Lovely.

Any redeeming qualities at all?

Yes. He is using you.
He treats you like shit and you're paying for the privilege!
You would be better off without him.

Yes op he's only with you because he has to be . He can have his cake and eat it basically . Same with my ex . But with women . Ten years I had of that and finally left him . The only thing he had left was his cock 😂 which he made good use with . Nothing changed . But he was homeless . Had to stay with friends on sofas . He was 34 so not a good look really x

I also have terrible often crippling anxiety and he uses this as a thing to get at me with. Blames and shames me and says my anxiety is destructive but he is making it worse.

I have this ideal vision of my and the kids in our own home, with a dog (he doesn't like dogs but me and the kids are desperate for one!) but I know that won't be the reality. There will be days when they will be with him and they are sad and stressed due to our separation. But maybe I'll be happier and a better mother if I'm free.

I worry about the kids and that they would be forced to choose who to live with as they are getting to that age. I don't want to put them through that. My brother went through an acrimonious divorce and my niece now has depression, anxiety and self harms. I'm terrified I'll do that to my two.

You’re his beard and board aren’t you.

His living arrangements aren’t your concern.

He has been abusing you for years hasn't he?

I would put all the debt that is in your name against the house so it becomes marital debt.

Where he goes is not your concern when you split, you are going to have to buy him out at some point?

I got to the end of your second paragraph.

Get out of there. Get away from him.
He will destroy you.

It will be painful but you'll recover.

I don't know what his deal is but it's not your fault.

Your lack of enthusiasm for sex was due to his behaviour and completely understandable ... His only response to it : if he was a decent person, would have been to discuss it and separate if it couldn't be improved. (But he's not decent and that's why you did t want sex much in the first place).

A not decent hetero man might have cheated with another woman. He would not cheat with men, no matter what.

Heterosexual men don't frequent gay saunas and have sex with other men

Your h is either bisexual or one of those "men who have sex with men" while refusing to consider or acknowledge that they're bi etc.

He's a cheater (a repested one at that - and iuoh only know what you've discovered, there could well be more. There often is). and is infecting you with STDs .... Not relationship material, not marriage material.

Stop letting him blame you, brain wash you etc ... You're not at fault fir him cheating (he could have split with you) and you're not responsible for his sexuality. He was born that way.

It's an excuse, very shitty, very cowardly, very manipulative of him.

What are DC learning about relationships though?

That the bloke abuses the women, lies, cheats and doesn't work?

TBH if you get a dog the DC will highly likely to choose to stay with you

You know his abuse is causing your anxiety, you will be so much happier without him in your life.

All the debt is in my name

So two lots of STDs
gonorrhea (more than a bj, I'll bet)
and 'sexually transmitted debt"

Is this how you want to live,OP? Is this the sort of relationship you want your children to observe?

Good luck I hope you find peace.

I worry about the kids and that they would be forced to choose who to live with as they are getting to that age.

Why?

They can live 50-50 between your place and his. Or whatever proportion of time suits best.

I’m very sorry this is happening to you. It must seem like a nightmare and you want to wake up, that it’s not real.

Sadly it is

He is cheating on you. He’s having unprotected sex. He died the cars about you/your health as he has given you STD gonorrhoea. He’s lying to you. He’s treating you badly.

This is not your fault. Thus us not because of anything you have done

However, now you know.

Are you going to accept this? Are you going to put up with it - until he decides he no longer wants to live a lie and move on? That will eventually happen. You’ve seen how happy he was in the run up to his latest encounter and how he was right afterward

He’s going to take out his unhappiness on you and then seek out more encounters to feel better.

Take control of your destiny/life now. Get prepared and leave. You can plan it. First step is getting together are financial information and then get legal advice.

Best of luck to you OP. The counselling is a good idea. They’ll help bolster you to get through this.

He’s basically weaponising your mental health & using it against you.

Fuck, he's living off you and has got you in debt too - he's an all round user and abuser, isn't he.

@candycane2019 If you were my daughter I'd be hoping you would come to your senses and leave him. He goes to a gay sauna more than once, but tries to tell you "it made him feel sick". He is putting you in physical danger from STDs including Herpes and HIV. The thought of staying with him should make you feel sick. He has absolutely no respect for you and tries to blame you. He sounds vile. Please, take your children and leave.

[quote Mashingthecompost]@Starsabove1 just one small point I want to make. Men don't cheat because they're not getting what they want at home. They cheat because they're cheats. Plenty of people going through low ebbs sex-life wise work it out through communication, figuring out why it's happening, what both parties want and need, etc. This isn't OP's fault.[/quote]
@Mashingthecompost at no point did I say it was OPs fault.

I was referring to her opening post where she said he blamed her for him going to a sauna because she wasn’t meeting his sexual needs.

As OP is taking the blame on herself for this I was pointing out that even if she did meet all the ‘criteria’ he sets to cheat, it would not make a blind bit of difference because his cheating is nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.