Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

Was I the only one who didn’t know that gay saunas existed?

I had to google them and I found out we have one about a 5 minute drive away.

I read the reviews and really op, you don’t accidentally go into a gay sauna - you make a special effort and you do so because you want to have sex with other men.

You husband went into that sauna knowing what he wanted; what he was going to do and that you didn’t know about it. He wanted sex with other men. That’s what he is attracted to. That’s what his persuasion is. He’s gay.

He will always be gay. And one day he is likely to meet a man he falls for and he will leave you and the children. You cannot keep your family together when one person in the couple is gay.

It’s heartbreaking and I feel so bad for you, but mostly because you feel that you can’t be the one to make the decision and will now stay with this cheating dirtbag until he leaves you.

Was I the only one who didn’t know that gay saunas existed?

No!... I was told about one in passing by a friend , and I had no idea how well equipped some are.

This link helps explain- And also warns of the risk of other sauna users not using condoms-especially in 'Dark Rooms'.
Condoms are often provided, but it is up to the clientele to actually use them.

queerintheworld.com/gay-sauna-guide/

Op you are a convenience for your H, you "keep" him what has he done for you?
My god even the most forgiving of women would not put up with her H giving her an STD!!!
Life is short OP you deserve so much better, calm yourself and work out practically how you should separate. Don't worry about him, he should be self supporting.

Christ! Sorry OP but I'm so baffled as to why you need to ask, he's gay and he's a cheat, what do you need help with here? I'm so sorry this is happening, it's awful and you deserve better but please open you eyes ASAP and leave or you never will and will be taken for a mug forever. I know that's harsh and I don't mean to be a cow but I think you need to hear it bluntly. Hope you're ok

I went to the address this morning. It's a flat or small terraced house - new build - on an estate. Nothing to reveal what it is

It's a brothel

*This has got to be one of the saddest post I've read, where the OP's sense of self-identity has been assassinated overtime in the marriage.confused In others words you've been worn down and reduced to putting up with any sort of toxic/unacceptable behaviour from your DH including him putting your own health at risk, and despite all of this, you'd rather stay than fracture your Catholic believes about marriage. I imagine before marriage you were once full of aspirations and joy for life, but now you're just a shell of your former self that's existing in a life you never envisioned.

It's still not late to re-write the next chapters of your life for a better one, please look into counselling.*

This.

It's do saddening and frustrating seeing posts like this, it's like watching an addict sit in the street off their face or ranting a d sobbing to themselves like I've seen them, but doing the same thing and staying in the save position.

You should have been long gone back then op.

You don't need evidence now - just cause you didn't leave when it happened back then, doesnt mean you couldn't leave anytime since then including now. You don't need this latest incident. But it's there, obvious, anyway. You know he was in one again. You don't need to prove anything - least if all to.him.

He's abusing and gas lighting you.

He's trying (and it looks like succeeding) in getting you to take responsibility for his behaviour.

He's bi or gay and hrs responsible for his behaviour. It sounds like he was horrible to you even before you found out about the gay cheating before.

Just to emphasise it again - heterosexual men who want more sex and decide they're going to.cheat, don't seek out gay saunas and get sucked off (if that's all he did) ..
They do everything you see MN posters report on this forum; affairs, flings, dating sites, hookup sites, sex sites, fab swingers, female escorts and masseurs etc etc.

He's gay or bi and hrs using you as a beard, as well as using you for money (not to mention treating you horribly). He's not even a "nice", likeable beard user - he's a fkg nasty one.

*You know he was in one again.

Or if it wasn't identifiable as one, it's probably a gay hook-up.

Fk knows what he's get up to.

What does it matter - a gay cheater should have been divorced anyway, you don't need more. He has lit, bullshitted and manipulated you to believe his bullshit about it being a lack of sex ... It's an excuse, no hereto man would do that. My DH looks nauseated if I so much as mention homosexual activity (he's not a bigot, he's hung out with my gay mates and treats the same as any one else but he dies not want to hear about, think about or imagine gay sexual activity and can't hide his aversion).

I'm sure your DH is convincing - these guys convjnce themselves they're not gay or bi so of course they seem convincing.

Look at what he's got to.lose if he were to come out, it's still not easy to be gay on our society esp if you haven't come out young. He's also lose his meal ticket.

*affairs, flings, dating sites, hookup sites, sex sites, fab swingers, female escorts and masseurs etc etc.

I should have emphasised; with women.

There is a lot of good advice here. I can't do any better.

I will say though that if he is gay/bisexual and is having any kind of sex with other people, then whether it's men or women he is still a. being unfaithful and b. putting your health at risk.

What reason or justification he gives for this doesn't matter. You don't want another STD.

He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity.

Perhaps the jealousy and insecurity was a projection of his own behaviour, as is often the case.

In any case, it's a whole other realm of abuse that he out you through and you took. Stop being his punch bag.

Oh and cheating including infecting someone with STDs is a form of abuse too, totally aside from his sexual orientation.

This is so sad.OP you must want more for yourself. It is not your responsibility to house him be brave. Find happiness

OP I promise you you will never regret leaving this person, you will only regret the years you wasted staying with him. Change is scary and it takes courage, but you can do this OP, there’s nothing on the other side as bad as what you are going through right now.

What are you waiting for exactly? HIV?

The only question you need to ask is why on earth are you still with an abusive, bullying and irresponsible cheat?

What you need to do is kick him out and get your self-respect and life back.

Op, you and your children need a dog! Get rid of your awful husband. In the Catholic Church there is such a thing as annulment. The Church does recognise irretrievable breakdown of a marriage. You are the main earner! He is gay or bi. He is a cheat. He gave you an STD. I noticed you said that he makes a great deal of fancying you and liking women. This is him acting hard at how he is supposed to be as a 'completely' straight man.

PLEASE liberate you and your DC. At least ask him to move out for a bit. Then divorce him. Please do not kid yourself that all this conflict and distrust and betrayal won't be noticed or picked up on by your DC. His behaviour is affecting your mental health and will be affecting the DC already. He says the marital bedroom is toxic. It's his behaviour which is toxic to your whole family. Imagine feeling like this 10/20 years when the dc have grown up and gone. It will be just you and him and his horrible unfaithful behaviour. On the other hand it could be you and an adoring faithful hound and maybe a different lover who really values and cherishes you.

I grew up catholic too. My devout mother begged my DS to divorce her wanker husband.

Look, I don't think there's a priest out there that would expect you to continue to put your life at risk by marriage intimacy with a man who has unprotected casual gay sex. Any priest I know would tell you to separate - which is fully allowed in the RCC. Divorce is also fine, it's the new partner/remarrying aspect that the church tended to frown upon. And even that, times are changing and I know a lot of priests who would be happy to bless a marriage where someone's been married before.
So, do your number crunching and get rid before he gives you another load of debt in your name and another STI to boot.

Hope you're okay OP
I've just read all the thread and have to agree with others - he is gay!
You need rid of him for all your sakes.
Apologies to any Catholics or any other religious people...OP fuck what a bunch of people reading from a book say about marriage, they don't live your life and don't get to dictate what you do in it. Just be a good human, that's all. Being divorced doesn't stop that. There's no shame in ending a marriage that's abusive, destructive and simply wrong on so many levels.
His living arrangements or money issues are not your responsibly neither is his upbringing.
Get rid, move forward and get your dog.

heterosexual men who want more sex and decide they're going to.cheat, don't seek out gay saunas and get sucked off (if that's all he did)

@GilbertMarkham They do actually, I know because I've been to places like that and known men like it.

They might make an account on Fabswingers or whatever, but that is a bit of a gamble and does take a bit of a wait, at least until the evening if they're lucky- it's not quite as easy for men to pull on there as women.

We are talking about the type of man who is obsessed with sex. So- if it's Fab they have to wait for a hookup, at best on the evening, and probably several days as women decide who gets laid on that site.

In the mean time, they go to a sauna or adult cinema on the afternoon. Within half an hour of landing they can pretty much guarantee they get sucked off and/or hand jobs, all probably from/with several men. It's the sex on demand, as well as maybe the seediness, that appeals.

It's not an either/or, they'll be on Fab, get sucked off in the afternoon if they feel like it at an anonymous sex venue, chat up everyone they meet or see online etc.

I'm with PP's- I think it was probably a brothel/sex worker he went to at the nondescript house.

Whether we call him straight, bi, gay isn't relevant- I don't think he's picky he just wants sex of any kind.

What matters is he's a sleazeball and a cheat who needs to go. He will maybe claim he's a 'sex addict' and go for therapy in an attempt to win round OP.

@candycane2019 Please finish with him. He's more than broken his vows. You could look into getting an annulment. I think they are quite flexible these days, my mum looked into it. You could have a look www.catholicfamily.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/NBCW-A-Guide-to-the-Annulment-Process-4th-Edition.pdf

His behaviour is in no way your fault, no matter how he tries to make you feel that way. It doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship to save. Good luck going forward.

They do actually, I know because I've been to places like that and known men like it.

I am of the opinion that no truly heterosexual man would choose to have sex with, including oral.sex .. with another man.

I appreciate your point that some men are so utterly sex obsessed and lacking integrity that they'll take sex anywhere at all they can get it (free and easily) including other men, transexuals etc. but I think that's man who is truly heterosexual, who in my experience, are just too mentally and physically turned off by homosexual sex ; would not do that. They'd probably pay a woman before they did that ... (Or perhaps get involved with women swingers or in threesomes with a willing male/female couple as long as they were not required to have sexual contact with the man).

And ops partner has the money anyway - her money.

I dint think it's just about the ease and money free sex aspect of the gay saunas.

In any case .. what matters, as you've pointed to, is that no matter what his sexual orientation; he's a cheater who is willing to delve into the seediest and riskiest elements of sexual activity to get his fix.

Hi all thanks for all your messages. I've seen my psychotherapist a couple of times since this happened and it is her belief, based on the examples of behaviour I have given her, that he has a personality disorder/is showing signs of narcissistic personality disorder and has encouraged me to read around the subject as well as is unraveling it all in our sessions.

I think the counselling is going to help me leave once and for all - it may take a while, but I can see a faint light at the end of my very twisted tunnel.

She has also said that he is emotionally abusive - even though I know he is, having that confirmation from someone else is such a relief and has opened my eyes. I'm not crazy! Xx

That is fantastic op .