Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

He is gaslighting you. He is abusive, deceitful. I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be very distressing. But you and your FC need to get away from him. He is affecting your mental health. What was your experience growing up in your family? What were your parents like? He is definitely bisexual, if not a closeted gay.

Yep I agree. The gay thing is a red herring. It's the lying and everything else.

He caught Gonorrhoea and passed it onto me.

But even if he wasn't sleeping with someone or whatever, he lied to you about where he was. Repeatedly and brazenly. And is now ignoring you. And blames you for his indiscretions. It wouldn't matter to me where he actually was on Friday. (Although if it was innocent why would he lie!)

Why are you punishing yourself like this? There is nothing you can do to “fix” this situation. If ever somebody should LTB it’s you.

Come on op. You cant be that naive. He has been cheating all over the place and hes continuing because you foolishly believe him!
How are you accepting all of this?
He gave you and std!!

Sorry let me rephrase my last - of course it would MATTER to me where he was, I would, like you, be outraged and desperate to know. What I mean is, I would be leaving regardless, not waiting to find out (you probably never will)

OP, you must know you don’t get gonorrhoea from someone giving you a blowjob.

Although as PPs have said, it doesn’t really matter who he’s cheating with or what kind of sex he’s having does it? The fact he’s cheating, lying & making you feel somehow responsible is what matters.

Perhaps before confronting him, get everything organised. Finances, etc. Gives you time to find more evidence as well.

Sorry you are going through this.

You don't catch gonorrhoea from Bj's

And he was in a gay sauna last year on your birthday - he wasn't there for a sauna

Lots of married men have anonymous gay encounters via cottaging/saunas - I know quite a few gay men and my best friend of over 20yrs is gay and used to tell me that 80% of guys he’d meet for casual sex would be wearing a wedding ring, mention their wife or be driving a family wagon with child seat etc. At the gay spa he says most/significant proportion are “straight”/married/wearing wedding rings . Hence my friend has always thought most men are gay, (or wouldn’t turn down a bj from a guy at least).

I don’t think most men are gay, but I think a lot of men are open to gay sex in a way that is happy to unload into essentially any willing orifice for them. They are in denial about being straight though in that they are at the very least bisexual.

You do know that gay spas are essentially orgy locations? It’s not like a men only version of Champneys, more like Sodom & Gomorrah.

If you’re happy to have a relationship with a bisexual man who will have sex with male strangers throughout the relationship then that’s your decision (some, somewhere must be okay with this). If you’re not happy to have a relationship with that context, you need to leave him. Sorry this is happening to you OP - this is more common that you think (if that makes it any better).

He was very unlikely to catch an STD from getting a BJ. It’s far more likely that STD came from full sexual contact with someone in that sauna
Herpes can be caught from a bj.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone.

Oh, please tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more.

the blue dot showed he was at the gay sauna again for hours

Bin bin bin.

If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

Maybe the app shows you a history, including where the person was before? In which case you could screenshot the other day's incident.

I feel guilty and to blame.

You're not at all. Keep reminding yourself that you're not.

Your husband is gay. You cannot make this work. Leave him.

@haveyoutriedgoogle No. A lot of men will go to places to have anonymous sex with men, just because men who go there are 100% up for sexual acts and these men want sex, no matter who from, male or female. They don't usually identify as gay or maybe even as bi. That's why instead of gay/bi, a lot of forms such as for donating blood will list it as 'men who have sex with men.' Usually they don't have penetrative sex with men at these places (I know because I've been. Because they're not actually more into men than women, if a woman goes in they go wild.)

Bi people exist too BTW. He nags OP for sex or gets stroppy when she understandably doesn't want to shag him, so it sounds like he also enjoys sex with women.

@candycane2019 It would be rare to get an STI from oral (sometimes herpes, I suppose.) Was the STI one that is likely from oral? Or would it usually need something more (in which case maybe he met someone for sex?)

Gosh how dreadful for you, I would confront and leave. Well, you don't even need to confront, just leave

We have two children and tricky finances and I just don't know how I will be able to afford to live on my own.

Herpes can be caught from a bj.

@VictoriaBun Yes, I think it's statistically more likely to come from something more invasive, though.

You don't catch gonorrhoea from Bj's

Apparently you can, but I imagine it's pretty rare to get it that way.

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.
If this isn’t reason enough for you to leave op, I fear you never will.
Never mind throwing head from a guy/sti’s into the mix.

You don’t need any evidence from this week

@VictoriaBun

He was very unlikely to catch an STD from getting a BJ. It’s far more likely that STD came from full sexual contact with someone in that sauna Herpes can be caught from a bj.

I didn’t say it was impossible @VictoriaBun, I said it was unlikely and more likely to have come from full sexual contact.

Whatever it was came from some form of unprotected sexual contact which he then knowingly and carelessly exposed OP too.

I don’t know how you got past him getting a blowjob from another man in a sauna?! What other proof do you need that he is a liar, a cheat, struggling with his sexuality and checked out of your marriage?

I’m so sorry OP. But come on - get angry and get out of this sham marriage!

@SoulofanAggron
Thanks for your patronising AF reply - ‘Bi people exist too’ 🙄
Except, he doesn’t identify as bi. And getting stroppy when the OP won’t shag her, or initiating sex, may well him trying to reassure himself he’s not attracted to men.

Well you could go and visit the address and see what it is, but the bigger picture is that he is having sex elsewhere while married to you.

He’s gay. You need to leave and get tested again.

An STD from oral sex? hmmmmm. I think he's probably gay - not a problem, except that he's married to you. He needs to be honest.

And don't let him off if he does the "I have to find myself" bollocks. Being gay is pretty normal, and he's no right to have led you such a merry dance.

Ducks in a row time.
In your shoes I would start making a plan to extract myself from this, as soon as possible.
By that I mean-

1. Get all documents in a safe place. Women’s aid have a list but off the top of my head- passports for you and the children, marriage certificate, any paperwork relating to bank, savings, mortgage, rent, health. Photographs. Get someone trustworthy to look after them for you.
2. Speak to womens aid. Get some advice. He is putting you and your children at risk. Lockdown rules are still in place- he is putting you all at physical risk as well as emotional.
3. Do you want to stay in your home or move out with the children? If you rent is the tenancy in both your names?

I went to the address this morning. It's a flat or small terraced house - new build - on an estate. Nothing to reveal what it is.

As for finances, they will work themselves out. There are benefits you might be entitled to once you are on your own.
You can do this. But you need to get your head into a place where you realise that you need to.

Do you have anyone in RL- a friend or family member, who you could confide in? If so I’d do that today.