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Original poster

DH had sex with a prostitute

289 replies

TurkeyTrot · 21/08/2020 22:20

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

OP posts:
sitckmansladylove · 21/08/2020 22:21

I would be hurt and the trust would be gone so I couldn't stay with him. Do you love him ? Only you know deep down what to do.

NiceGerbil · 21/08/2020 22:22

I'm baffled that he told you. And it sounds like he almost wants you to feel sorry for him...

Did he say why he did it, what the circs were?

Irrespective you need to ditch him.

sitckmansladylove · 21/08/2020 22:22

Depends on age of teens. I probably wouldn't tell them about the prostitute but just that you didn't have the loyalty and trust you deserve.

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 21/08/2020 22:22

Yes I would split and would tell teens it’s because he was unfaithful. Not sure if I would mention prostitute - probably not.

Yankathebear · 21/08/2020 22:23

DH doesn't want to separate HE doesn’t get to choose!

I couldn’t stay.

BananaPop2020 · 21/08/2020 22:23

God, sorry to hear this. I BET he “doesn’t want to separate”, having had his cake and eaten it. Sending you lots of love and support, but I couldn’t come back from this.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 21/08/2020 22:24

I wouldn't split because of that one action. Is there more? What was the context of this sex? What were his reasons for it? Is it a happy marriage? Do you still love him? If there is not more I reckon I could get over it.

Lollypop701 · 21/08/2020 22:27

Gut feeling every time op... you’ll get overwhelmed with ‘but what about the kids/the house etc. Do you want to bin him or understand him? CAN you understand him even. Ultimately only you know

godsowncountry · 21/08/2020 22:27

I judge my step mother for staying with my dreg of a father through something similar. I wish she had told us all outright what a scumbag he was and left him - she spent another six years buggering on in their marriage trying to repair his mistakes "for the children".

I would be very honest with your teenagers and I would leave the bastard. Sleeping with a prostitute is not an accidental momentary lapse is it?

ellephant · 21/08/2020 22:27

Just to clarify, has he been unfaithful and had sex with a prostitute whilst in a relationship with you, or is he disclosing that he has once used prostitutes prior to your relationship.
I doubt it's the latter but just wanted to check.
If he's been unfaithful, that would be the end of the relationship for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2020 22:28

WWYD if your DH told you that?

I would be retaining a solicitor and he would be out on his arse. He thinks because he admitted it and he didn't enjoy it it can now be swept under the rug? Really? Come the fuck on. Don't allow him to make a mug out of you. The trust is gone, the respect is gone, the marriage is over.

BBCONEANDTWO · 21/08/2020 22:29

Was this before you were married or now? OMG I'm shocked tbf I didn't really think it was that easy to 'get' a prostitute? How did it happen, where did it happen I mean did he go cruising to find one? It's pretty gross - not on the prostitute who has to make a living but on him. Plus what about STD's.

Windmillwhirl · 21/08/2020 22:30

I'd separate without a second thought.

Anordinarymum · 21/08/2020 22:30

@TurkeyTrot

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok. I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with. They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate. WWYD if your DH told you that? Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?
It's not a nice thing to tell your children. Think hard before you decide. Did he say why he did it?
rutabellsum · 21/08/2020 22:30

This relationship is finished, that's what I would do.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 21/08/2020 22:30

I think you either need to decide to tell the children properly, or decide to only tell them when they are adults (or never tell them). The worst thing you could do would be to tell them in a rage when they are sticking up for their Dad because they believe you are the one who has caused the break up.

If it was me, i'd say that it was because your husband was unfaithful, and leave it at that. I think if you don't give a 'good enough' reason it'll let your husband off the hook & potentially have your children resent you for being the one to break up your family, as your husband is against the split.

As you say, splitting up assets and deciding who the children live with will be hard, but just take it step by step, and look forward to life after all of this has settled down as you never know what the future will bring

GilbertMarkham · 21/08/2020 22:31

Very sorry you're going through this op.

Is that your other thread asking for opinions of men who use prostitutes?

I personally couldn't get past infidelity and contrary to what some men seem to tell themselves (and expect their partner to believe) I actually think it's as bad or worse than infidelity with a non prostitute.

As for telling your kids .. up to you. You could tell them it's infidelity now and maybe about the use of a prostitute when they're older or the whole thing now, yij know them best.

Everyone should know in any case.

Men thrive in getting their partners to hush up stuff like this. They don't like to own their actions when they're shocking, abhorrent, degenerate, low integrity (or is that no integrity?) etc. helps them gas light their partners about it being not so bad/normal etc.

AdoraBell · 21/08/2020 22:32

I’m sorry he has done this to you. Get your ducks in a row. It’s your choice if you split.

Also, I would never have sex with my DH if he did this. Only you can decide if you will sleep with him again, but if you do then insist that he gets tested for every possible STI.

blackandwhite2020 · 21/08/2020 22:33

It's hard OP, mega hard. In terms of logistics and practicalities, they can aaaaaall be worked out no probs, but for the moment it's your feelings about it and you'd just be pure angry at him! I would suggest getting some time apart in whatever form that comes in, one of u goes on holiday, one of u moves out, with kids, without kids, whatever and talk to your closest friends, get perspective and get your thoughts out there!

Cheating is cheating, stay strong! X

Janaih · 21/08/2020 22:33

Paid for consent is not consent imo. I would be heartbroken but I would have to leave.

I wouldn't tell kids why, I'm not a fan of over sharing adult issues with children of any age. Parents should keep some privacy around their relationship whether together or not.

mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 22:34

@TurkeyTrot That's a horrible thing to do. However, I think only you can decide whether it is something your relationship can heal from - don't let anyone shame you for leaving or staying. No one action shows the entire relationship truthfully, so I think only you know if this is a fixable offence or not. x

GilbertMarkham · 21/08/2020 22:34

It's not a nice thing to tell your children.

Their father should have thought of that.

Did he say why he did it?

Did you really just ask that question?

There is no valid reason.

Even if op and he hadn't had sex for the last twenty years, he should have discussed it and split (or agreed an open relationship).

CountFosco · 21/08/2020 22:35

This is so far across the red line for me.

Sleeping with a prostitute is one of the worst things a man could do, it would tell me he had so little respect for all women that he think he can buy one. He is coercing consent from a woman that is either a modern day slave or a woman who has been exposed to abuse her entire life and so can't escape from it. It's rape by another name, the woman he slept with did not have the choice to refuse to sleep with him, she did not consent in a meaningful way. I couldn't pretend to your teenagers that it was a consensual relationship and I'd make clear that an affair would be heartbreaking but nowhere near as awful as what he did.

NiceGerbil · 21/08/2020 22:38

I also would tell the children he had been unfaithful but leave the detail out.

'I'm shocked tbf I didn't really think it was that easy to 'get' a prostitute? '

I'm sure it's easy- internet etc.
As an aside there is a brothel on the high street in the next town from me, I thought that was illegal. I mean it's not being subtle about it.

AbbieFB · 21/08/2020 22:39

Would he accept you telling him you didn't want to split if you were the one that cheated?

What a bloody cheek he has.

Not only has he cheated, it was a pre planned event, he can't even pretend he was drunk or made a mistake. he planned it and followed through. That's before you even start thinking about him using a prostitute and his view of women.