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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had sex with a prostitute

289 replies

TurkeyTrot · 21/08/2020 22:20

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 22/08/2020 00:32

OP? Are you ok? Where have you gone, let us know things are alright pls.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/08/2020 00:45

Paid for consent is not consent imo.

Yeah, that. Would change my opinion of him forever. I could never have sex with him again, so what would be the point carrying on the marriage. I would just tell the kids "Your dad went with another woman. This is a deal breaker for me in terms of any marriage and relationship together, and a complete betrayal of trust. But he will always be your dad and that hasn't changed."

Even if there are sexual difficulties within the marriage, I'm really not sure that is an excuse. There are always people in situations where one is unable to have sex, be it temporarily or permanently. Most deal with it, either finding a way to work it out with their partner to find satisfaction in other ways, or just pretending they're a horny teenager who doesn't have any hope of getting any action. Funnily enough most teens aren't running off to prostitutes every 5 mins to relieve them, so I don't see why a grown married man can't figure out a way to resolve any marital sexual difficulties that doesn't involve paying a (possibly coerced or enslaved) woman for sex.

IseeIsee · 22/08/2020 00:47

@Alphamayo are you serious? He could leave his wife or wank or use a doll. In what world is using a (likely abused) woman an option?

Maybe your "friends" relationship with his wife is poor because he views women as objects.

OP I personally would find this worse than an affair. Falling is love with another human is one thing which can unfortunately happen. Using another human as a hole is unforgivable in my book.

DocusDiplo · 22/08/2020 00:50

Can't be asked RTFT but this happened to me several years ago. Stayed as I was naive abd had young children. Fucked me up and we ended up separating a few years after that anyway and that was the root cause.

gluteustothemaximus · 22/08/2020 00:54

I'd split up.

And tell the children Dad slept with a prostitute, so that's the reason for split.

Sorry you're going through this Flowers

roxfox · 22/08/2020 00:56

I'd be off. If he's admitting it it's probably because it's become a problem and he's been doing it for a while......

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2020 00:58

He’s a sexual abuser. He used another human to have sex in - just an object to him.

Paid for consent is not consent - this.

SoulofanAggron · 22/08/2020 01:03

He said he knows there will never be any strings attached with a prostitute and it's a need of a human being, that he loves his wife but a need is a need

@Alphamayo It's not a need, it's a want. No-one dies or gets injured from not getting as much sex as they want.

If his wife would ask him to stop after a few mins, I imagine he was a bit shit.

I don't know whether he is right or wrong here

It could also be he's giving you this sob story to try and pull you or something.

jessstan2 · 22/08/2020 01:06

We don't know yet whether it was before or after he was married. It could have been once when he was very young. It's quite telling that he didn't think much of the experience.

I do wonder why he told the op, unless there was a clue somewhere and he felt it was best to come clean.

If he was married to her at the time it was adultery and nobody would blame her for ending the marriage; however, people do come back from worse depending on how genuinely remorseful he is and if he is likely to do it again.

If they do part I don't think it is necessary to tell the teenage children their dad went with a prostitute - unless he does. Enough for them to know he had a one night stand.

We really need the op to come back and fill in a few details. I do feel for her, using prostitutes is so shoddy but if he was a youngster at the time I doubt he'd have thought of all the implications.

NiceGerbil · 22/08/2020 01:12

Where is op?

yolio · 22/08/2020 01:18

Gone, over

Surely you can see that OP, painful as it may be for you.

81Byerley · 22/08/2020 01:26

He's been unfaithful. For me, that would be the end. You don't have to tell your children with whom, just that he was unfaithful.

nachthexe · 22/08/2020 01:38

@Alphamayo

Why did he do that? There's always 2 sides to a story.

To put into perspective of what I mean, I'm good friends with a couple where it's a sexless relationship because his wife has 0 sex drive and basically is never even in the mood even when it happens once a year after 2 mins max she'd be complaining and asking is he done yet. She is reluctant to seeking treatment together claiming he is the one with a problem. He ended up thinking about (not sure if he actually went through with it) sleeping with a prostitute just to fulfill his need. He said he knows there will never be any strings attached with a prostitute and it's a need of a human being, that he loves his wife but a need is a need he can't be masturbating all his life.

I don't know whether he is right or wrong here since she was reluctant to be seeking medical help and was saying why don't he just go buy a doll. They can't separate for their own reasons but that's another story.

Otherwise if he did it for no good deep emotional reason and came back because it wasn't good, then LTB. There is no excuse to cheating on a good wife I wouldn't even bat an eyelid, have a second thought or look back. Teenagers are very understanding when what you want to say is worded right so just think about what you're going to say to them and just pour your heart out, they will be supportive.

No one has a right to sex. The end.
expat101 · 22/08/2020 01:46

Assuming this has occurred during his time with you, then yes you should separate and yes the children have a right to a basic why (for now). Children tend to blame themselves for relationship breakdowns so it’s only fair from the get go as to who the blame belongs to.

Yes it will be difficult to dis entangle but what is the alternative? Suck it up and stay? Do you think the relationship is repairable or is it going to be separate bedrooms for the rest of your lives together?

Let the children decide where they want to be. Nothing wrong with 50/50, let’s face it, he is their father. Just been a lousy husband to you.

WiltedWillows · 22/08/2020 01:47

Yes I would split and I would not lie about the reason either.

Vodkacranberryplease · 22/08/2020 01:53

I hope the OP is off reading the other prostitute thread. It's very interesting and as many here have said it's worse than an affair. I would not be ok with this.

Also why would he admit it? He must have been about to get caught out and I imagine he's admitting the one he got caught out on and not the others. Because there will be others

threesecrets · 22/08/2020 01:57

I would not ever be able to have sex with him again. It is worse than an affair. He paid for sex from someone who didn't want to have sex with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2020 02:05

@threesecrets

I would not ever be able to have sex with him again. It is worse than an affair. He paid for sex from someone who didn't want to have sex with him.
This.

There is no way I could look at DH again if I thought he could abuse a possibly trafficked/abused/pimped/addicted woman. Because they never ask, these men, they don't care if the woman has even a small amount of consent to sell.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/08/2020 02:36

I would be interested in opinions on this.....

My BIL admitted to my sister that he had sex with a sex worker in Germany when he was in the army when he was 22. They didnt meet until he was 34 and got married a couple of years later.

She wasnt happy about it, but he was brutally honest about it (more than she wanted to know tbh) and said it was a peer pressure thing. He didnt particularly want to but they all did it and he didnt want to be the one who said no. He didnt orgasm and left as soon as he could. Having several friends who are/have been in the army it does seem like this is a "thing", like hazing in fraternities in the US or just a "prove you are a man" thing.

She was disappointed in him but accepted that he was a different man by the time they got together so took it as part of his past that he regretted, just as she has things she regrets (dont we all?)

Thoughts?

rebecca102 · 22/08/2020 02:38

100% split and I would tell my kids given they're old enough exactly why.

rebecca102 · 22/08/2020 02:39

@Dontfuckingsaycheese wow

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/08/2020 03:14

I'd get tested for STD's for a start.

And I'd kick him into touch - tell the children he'd been with someone else, but no gory details.

He doesn't want to separate? He shouldn't have done this. should he?

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2020 03:19

Christ on a crumpet... some of these responses Hmm

Id tell the kids ... your Dad bkew my love and trust out of the water, its over.

Leave him, hrs shown you zero compassion or respect,ove, or thought. Do him the same.

I'm wondering if he thought he was about to be busted? Hence the sudden conscience?

Terrace58 · 22/08/2020 03:22

I might forgive an affair, but a prostitute is a marriage-ender.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/08/2020 03:28

Sorry OP. Hope you're ok. Flowers
I don't think I'd get past this either.
I'm not sure what I'd tell the kids but it wouldn't be fair for you to shoulder any responsibility for your marriage ending - should that be what you decide.