DH had sex with a prostitute

[TurkeyTrot]

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

@dontfuckingsaycheese You must set a pretty low bar for relationships.

OP If this happened after the start of his relationship with you, it would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. If beforehand, it would depend on how old he was and the circumstances. I doubt I could feel the same way about someone again, myself.

I couldn't carry on with the relationship. I regard that as betrayal of the worse kind, he didn't feel anything for her, he wasn't in love, paid for consent is not consent, he risked your relationship for a purely physical shag and then he thinks by telling you, that makes it ok.

His possessions would be in a binbag on the front step. I couldn't feel anything but disgust & contempt.

This has really made me think, and in fact, even though a proper affair would devastate me, I actually think this is far worse.

If I put myself in my husband’s shoes, imagine the thought processes, and practicalities, the considerations before, during, and after sleeping with a prostitute, I cannot even begin to imagine how I would ever be able to look at him again, let alone sleep in the same bed.

What was the first thought he had?
Why did he think this was a good way to deal with his feelings/needs?
Did he make lots of efforts to reconnect with you first, and you left him out in the cold?? If so, did he then think, maybe I should talk this through with her? No.

Even having said all that, the fact that he confessed, and TOLD YOU HE DIDN’T ENJOY IT would be so beyond anything that showed compassion, or self-awareness. I almost think that’s the worst part.

Make a huge mistake, keep it to yourself, get tested frequently, while staying away from your wife, until you can guarantee your safe, and then move on. Leave, reconnect, whatever, but don’t tell her and expect it ever to be OK ever again.

I couldn’t stay with DH if he did that.

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

I wouldn't split because of that one action. Is there more? What was the context of this sex? What were his reasons for it? Is it a happy marriage? Do you still love him? If there is not more I reckon I could get over it.

Ew. Your self esteem is in the gutter

@Alphamayo

Why did he do that? There's always 2 sides to a story.

To put into perspective of what I mean, I'm good friends with a couple where it's a sexless relationship because his wife has 0 sex drive and basically is never even in the mood even when it happens once a year after 2 mins max she'd be complaining and asking is he done yet. She is reluctant to seeking treatment together claiming he is the one with a problem. He ended up thinking about (not sure if he actually went through with it) sleeping with a prostitute just to fulfill his need. He said he knows there will never be any strings attached with a prostitute and it's a need of a human being, that he loves his wife but a need is a need he can't be masturbating all his life.

I don't know whether he is right or wrong here since she was reluctant to be seeking medical help and was saying why don't he just go buy a doll. They can't separate for their own reasons but that's another story.

Otherwise if he did it for no good deep emotional reason and came back because it wasn't good, then LTB. There is no excuse to cheating on a good wife I wouldn't even bat an eyelid, have a second thought or look back. Teenagers are very understanding when what you want to say is worded right so just think about what you're going to say to them and just pour your heart out, they will be supportive.

I’m sorry but that still isn’t ok.

If your friend wanted to orgasm, he can masturbate. If he wanted a romantic sexual relationship, he can’t get that from a prostitute. The prostitute is being coerced through a need for money. She has no feelings for your friend. Without a financial transaction it would be described as rape.

Your friend needs to end his relationship and cultivate another relationship with someone else who shares a similar sex drive to him. You’re friend is a lazy, selfish man who sees women as an object to have sex into.

Your* friend

But he can't just keep masturbating for 20 years - that's not a marriage, that's just a flat mate! And who's being selfish, if she's the one refusing to seek counselling? Bit harsh if you ask me.

I absolutely would split.
I wonder if it’s his first time playing away and if you should get yourself checked ?

No brainer surely?! I'd kick him out and divorce him. I'd get a full sexual health check. And I'd probably tell the children that he cheated (but not give details).

Hope you're OK, OP. What a shock. Have there been marriage issues before this? Seems a strange thing for him to confess to out of the blue.

So sorry OP you must be so shocked and hurt. I could not forgive that and would have to split up. I would also tell the teenagers that you are divorcing because Dad has been unfaithful which you cannot accept. Good luck for the day ahead.

Absolutely I would split. Personally I'd tell the teens that he had been unfaithful. Let them see what not to put up with in their own relationships.

I’m sorry to hear that, OP. It seems you consider his behaviour unacceptable (good; it is) but the practicalities are difficult.

It always seems unfair when the wronged party has to sell the family home - usually that they’ve done the lion’s share of making nice - because a man is ruled by his dick and has no morals. I empathise. I hope you’re able to work out a solution. You are not at all unreasonable in treating this as absolute deal breaker material, though. Agree that it’s worse than an affair because of the ‘purchased consent’ issue.

I may have missed it but when did this happen? Was it in his past before he met you or more recently?

If it was this year, then he’s exposed you to Covid risk on top of STIs.

It's premeditated and quite frankly wrong on so many levels.

When my dh has an affair I told him that I might have been able to forgive a pissed up, one night stand, but what hurt most was the fact that he'd planned it, premeditated and deceitful. It's the same with your dh, he had planned it, he knew full well what he was doing, was happy to lie to you and make a decision to have sex with another woman.

Add that to the fact it was with a woman who had no option but to sleep with him and she needed the money, alongside everything else that comes with it.

No, I couldn't forgive him. I'd split, sell the house etc. I'd tell the dc he'd had an affair but I'd not be so thoughtful when telling anyone else

@Leafyhouse

But he can't just keep masturbating for 20 years - that's not a marriage, that's just a flat mate! And who's being selfish, if she's the one refusing to seek counselling? Bit harsh if you ask me.

So leave then! Paying to insert his penis into another woman is not ok.

nobody has the right to sex. Consent, freely given is needed

I would definitely divorce my husband and tell the teenagers why. They're old enough to understand dad had sex with a prostitute. If they don't think very much of him after then that's his fault

I don't see how this is even a question op

Divorce him and get yourself down to the STD clinic too.

I just couldn't live with a man who had behaved this way. I would only be able to think of him as a disgusting and sleazy worm.

We don't know yet whether it was before or after he was married. It could have been once when he was very young.

@jessstan2 My experience with a bloke who had supposedly been with a prostitute once as a teen, is that he turned out to be obsessed with sex with anyone, I mean absolutely anyone, male, female, 80, whatever. I would see it as at least a red flag, and would probably end it.

It's quite telling that he didn't think much of the experience.

Really? In what way? And that is just what he's saying.

he was brutally honest about it (more than she wanted to know tbh)...He didnt orgasm and left as soon as he could.

@PyongyangKipperbang Men who seem 'brutally honest' about something can still be lying/minimizing. What are the chances a bloke would say to his wife/girlfriend 'I slept with a prostitute and honestly, it was the hottest night of my life?'

The thought of my DH doing this makes me feel physically sick! I definitely could continue in the relationship. In terms of the kids, I think I’d tell them he’s been unfaithful, but not the details. I’d also be getting myself booked in for an STI check!

It's all down to you in the end. I don't think a relationship is over because of incident but you have to see what happened and what caused it. If he had never told you about it, was there something else goin on? Were you living a happy life? I'm if the idea that if you otherwise we're living a happy and fulfilling life there's no reason to separate.

I absolutely couldn't stay with dh if he'd bought a human and felt that that was true consent. He used a human as a wank sock. A likely trafficked/ desperate/ mentally I weep human.
I couldn't forgive him
If he'd risked my sexual health for the sake of that. If he'd risked our family and life for it.

I could barely look at him let alone live with him. Sorry op

When did this happen? While you we're together- or before you met?

I'd be going to the clinic to get tested ASAP.

"You must set a pretty low bar for relationships"
"Ew. Your self esteem is in the gutter"

Some responses to my post.

I reckon you are right. Tbh I've not had a sparkling history relationshipwise. I'm now 50 and the fucked up attitudes I've lived with were formed in my teens. I have been single for much of my life.

This thread has me re-examining these attitudes. For one my views on prostitution. So many on here are viewing it as non-consensual. Me, I'm sorry, I have always viewed it as a service being provided in exchange for money. So in that way I don't view it as being 'as bad' as say, an affair, or a one-off with a woman. The responses on here also have me re-evaluating that view.

For most of my life I have been single, peppered with multiple drunken one-night stands mainly. Stopping drinking and the birth of my son nearly 18 years ago meant a re-evaluation of my expectations. It is only now that I have higher expectations for any relationships. During this period I remember saying for the first time 'I don't want to have sex with someone I don't know'. Like I say. For the first time. I'm assuming that's the attitude most women have ALWAYS held. But not me.