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Original poster

DH had sex with a prostitute

289 replies

TurkeyTrot · 21/08/2020 22:20

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 21/08/2020 22:40

Wow, i actually think this is worse than a lapse where feeling might be involved. Of course he doesn't want to split but that's not his choice to make anymore. You don't need to tell dc the details, just that he was unfaithful!

longwayoff · 21/08/2020 22:41

Yukk. Bye dear, enjoy the rest of your life. Don't forget to stop off at the clinic.

Saltyauntiepoop · 21/08/2020 22:45

Kick the bastard out, you separate and he fucks off to sort out his accommodation. He continues to pay til youngest 18.

SoulofanAggron · 21/08/2020 22:50

I wouldn't split because of that one action.

@Dontfuckingsaycheese It's using a prostitute though! That's pretty major.

@TurkeyTrot I would be grossed out by anyone who did that. It's disgusting and it'd be the end for me. I think I'd tell the teens he cheated on you.

is he disclosing that he has once used prostitutes prior to your relationship. I doubt it's the latter but just wanted to check.

@ellephant Ah ok I'd assumed it was a recent thing. I did have a lover who said he used a prostitute 'once' on a stag in Amsterdam in his teens. He turned out to be a complete twat and a pathological liar, so maybe he lied about that too. Think if it were me, I would be influenced in my judgement by my ex who'd done it turning out to be a complete sleazeball obsessed with sex.

Did he say why he did it?

@Anordinarymum Who cares? What reason would make it ok?

PhilSwagielka · 21/08/2020 22:50

Has he been tested?

msflibble · 21/08/2020 22:53

I would split but would keep the reasons vague with the kids.

I could be persuaded to take back a man who cheated - just the once mind - but I could never be with a man who thought women were just objects to buy and sell and use as he pleased. Whether or not he enjoyed it.

DowntonCrabby · 21/08/2020 22:55

I’d have to split with my DH if that happened. I’d never trust him again and he wouldn’t be the person I thought I knew.

msflibble · 21/08/2020 22:56

OP can you not keep the family home and he get a smaller flat somewhere else? For the sake of continuity for the kids and to lessen the trauma of the split?

He was the one who broke up the family, he should go.

BlogTheBlogger · 21/08/2020 23:00

Well I certainly wouldnt be calling him Darling Husband Hmm

worriedmama1980 · 21/08/2020 23:01

I couldn't stay but I absolutely wouldn't tell children about him using a prostitute. Say he was unfaithful so they understand it was serious, but they're at an age where they're developing their ideas of what is acceptable around relationships, consent, etc. I think it might be too difficult to square the idea that it is never possible to buy consent with the fact that someone they love dearly thought they could do just that and could lead to them minimising what he's done which I don't think is a good foundation for their thinking on relationships going into adulthood.

madcatladyforever · 21/08/2020 23:02

i stayed with my husband for 20 years putting up with all kinds of shit like this because I felt marriage was for life and in the end he just dumped me for another woman so clearly the marriage was not important to him at all.
Looking back marriage is never important enough to put up with this kind of shit - if it was me I'd start divorce proceedings or I'd lose all of my dignity and self respect. Surely you can't be happily married again after an incident like this?
But that is for you to decide.

GabsAlot · 21/08/2020 23:03

oh thats ok he didnt enjoy it

all is forgiven

no fuck off-id boot his arse out

WinterAndRoughWeather · 21/08/2020 23:04

For me, sex with a prostitute would be far worse than an affair. It’s not just the infidelity, it’s the attitude towards women he’d have to have. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who saw women as commodities.

Somethingkindaoooo · 21/08/2020 23:04

@Lollypop701

Gut feeling every time op... you’ll get overwhelmed with ‘but what about the kids/the house etc. Do you want to bin him or understand him? CAN you understand him even. Ultimately only you know
Oh, no no no.

Sometimes ' understanding' leads to feeling sorry for them, and letting them off the hook.

Decide where your line is

YouJustDoYou · 21/08/2020 23:05

He's a vile piece of shit, and when they do it once, there's no going back. Are you prepared to live a life of forever not knowing who he's with? What he's spent the money on? Of always getting STI checks, because the cannot be trusted? It is a prison sentence, op. He has destroyed your lives. Forever. There's no going back.

PinkyBrain · 21/08/2020 23:05

If you went out and slept with somebody tomorrow night what would he do?

vegansprinkle · 21/08/2020 23:06

Erm.... nope.

NiceGerbil · 21/08/2020 23:07

DH is just shorthand. Made me uncomfortable when I first joined MN as so icky but I'll used to it now. I wouldn't read too much into that.

I find the didn't enjoy it thing baffling. So if he had he'd have done it again? Are you supposed to feel sorry for him that it wasn't as good as he hoped? Bizarre.

I do think that some men do this and feel a level of guilt feel down and seek to mitigate that by telling a sob story to a woman who they hope will say oh dear poor you who could blame you etc. To tell your wife is just so weird though.

NiceGerbil · 21/08/2020 23:08

I also very much doubt that a man would go from no dodgy behaviour to sex with a prostitute just like that. He will have been building up to this with other stuff that you may well not be comfortable with.

RUOKHon · 21/08/2020 23:10

That would be a ‘fuck off’ from me.

Cornishqween · 21/08/2020 23:12

ugh this is awful I'm so sorry for you op.

No, there would be no coming back from it for me, I know I'd never be able to sleep with him again, and I couldn't forgive or forget. I would ask him to leave immediately so he couldn't waste my time with excuses. What he did was worse than a drunken one night stand or even a relationship he'd developed with someone. He KNOWINGLY ARRANGED this sex, its absolutely disgusting, and he fully went through with it, he could have backed out at any time.

I would definitely tell the dc's he was unfaithful and that the trust has been damaged, but not about the prostitute, for their sake - not his.

Yester · 21/08/2020 23:13

@CountFosco has got it spot on. Not only was he unfaithful to you but he was has fuckall respect for women. Anyone that sleeps with a prostitute loses my entire respect. At least if he had an affair you could imagine they have some emotional connection we so maybe hardest deal with initially at least meet your husband isn't a cunt who thinks he can pay a woman to do what he wants.

BumholeJ · 21/08/2020 23:15

How did you find out? Did he suddenly and unexpectedly confess this to you, or did you find something/suspect him/confront him and he confessed to the one isolated and unenjoyable act?

I don’t think I could come back from this, the trust would be gone and even more so if he confessed after you having a suspicion as i would worry that he’s only telling you a small and palatable version fraction of the truth (once but it was horrible) because he was busted. The reality might be many more times.

Sorry he’s done this to you OP - there’s no excuse Flowers

angelofthelight · 21/08/2020 23:16

You've not said if it happened before he got together with you?

chickenyhead · 21/08/2020 23:17

you don't accidentally go to a prostitute.

For mr, I couldn't get past this. Paying for a woman who doesn't want to have sex with him.