DH had sex with a prostitute

[TurkeyTrot]

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

@chickenyhead

You sound amazingly strong and it sounds like you're raising an amazing daughter :)

@TurkeyTrot I think he will suggest that I leave the family home, since I'm the one wanting to separate. But I will not do that, so we'll have to come to an agreement. I don't think either of us can afford it on our own though....

Oh will he now? He's the one that cheated and you move out? Oh well if he wants the grounds for the divorce to be infidelity with a prostitute then fair enough.

Or maybe you need to put the place on the market. But he doesn't get to stay in the family home while you and the kids are homeless after cheating.

Perhaps if you had an affair of your own he might be more motivated to decide to separate? Then he can move out since he decided. But I guess then he would try to take the moral high ground and force you out on the grounds of your infidelity.

He's used to getting his own way clearly and the one thing you can say no to, sex, is the thing he's decided to outsource. To teach you a lesson and bring you into line.

I don't know why you don't just go and see a good solicitor. They can tell you what you can and can't do and until you do that it's all just speculation and what he bullies you into.

I don't know why women are often so passive. They wait for him to act and then find themselves reacting, at short notice, without the resources or information they need. And then get upset about being shafted.

You are entitled to 50% of the marital assets including what's currently in any bank accounts - the joint stuff you can take 50% of when you split. The rest is done post split. Also pensions etc too.

If you don't want to shag him (and who would?) there's fuck all point in living miserably until the children are 'old enough'.

I don't know if you work/have a career but with older children you will need to. 50% of fuck all is fuck all and you won't be entitled to child support if he gets 50/50 custody or when they are older.

Life is short. Bin him off get a good solicitor and tell him to move out or the world will know about the hooker. You can see here how not cool most people think it is. And focus on your own finances ready for retirement

I agree, a next step has to be a solicitor.

It might not be as awful as you think to separate. Depends on assets, age of DC, main carer. They will help you with division of pensions and marital assets.

Entitledto.com is helpful. If you are able to claim benefits, do so immediately.

When this happened to me it was over. There was no going back from it and it was unforgivable. Ask around for a recommendation, book some initial meetings, speak to a counsellor. Once you start the process it gets easier.

I would never tell my DCs their dad did this. It’s enough for them to know he cheated. They don’t need any of the detail.

My 17 year old has a bad relationship with her father my xh and to be honest she'd STILL be upset if she had to think about him exploiting a prostitute. Maybe years later when their own ideas about what's acceptable have been formed, the truth could come out.

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks for your comments.
I agree he doesn't get to choose about staying in the house. I think he will propose keeping the kids with him, in the family home. Whereas I think he needs to move out and the rest of us stay in the house.
I have a professional job, so ok in that respect. I can financially support 3 teens by myself, it will be a challenge though and would rely on an arrangement where we stay in the house until the youngest has finished secondary education (5 more years).

Ok so he wants to be a SAHD and you support him.

AFTER HE HAS BERN TO PROSTITUTES.

Wow. Abusive prick.

Get a very good, hard as nails solicitor NOW. Please.

You will end up paying maintenance to him if he stays. That's his plan. Very very chilling sign. I would be exceptionally worried and move very carefully, very quickly, and very decisively without giving him any clue at all. I don't mean move out I mean take action.

It's highly irregular but you need to think about how you can get away with getting him to leave for a few days and ensuring he isn't allowed back - possibly even changing the locks. Totally not allowed in theory but there are ways.

You will have to be very sneaky how you do it though.

And by the way do you actually think he's only ever been to ONE prostitute? You might want to do a bit of digging in his financials / browser history.

I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[quote TurkeyTrot]@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks for your comments.
I agree he doesn't get to choose about staying in the house. I think he will propose keeping the kids with him, in the family home. Whereas I think he needs to move out and the rest of us stay in the house.
I have a professional job, so ok in that respect. I can financially support 3 teens by myself, it will be a challenge though and would rely on an arrangement where we stay in the house until the youngest has finished secondary education (5 more years).[/quote]
OP I don't think you should have to move out. You're not the one who cheated with a prostitute. You need to get legal advice.

I couldn't stay with him if he did that. Can't say I would even consider staying.

If he's going to pushback on who stays in the house, now is the time to act. I know it's wrong, but I'd use what he did as a bargaining tool. Will he really want his family and friends to know the reason you are separating?

@Vodkacranberryplease

Ok so he wants to be a SAHD and you support him.

AFTER HE HAS BERN TO PROSTITUTES.

Wow. Abusive prick.

Get a very good, hard as nails solicitor NOW. Please.

He isn't a SAHD, nor is he planning to be. He works full time.

Well where does he get the stupid idea that after cheating with a prostitute you should be forced out without the children?

In what was is that reasonable or ok?

@Vodkacranberryplease

Well where does he get the stupid idea that after cheating with a prostitute you should be forced out without the children?

In what was is that reasonable or ok?

Yes, it's completely unreasonable and stupid that he would think I would go without the children.

I definitely need to get on with finding a solicitor....

Thanks for your support Vodka and pp above, it's really helpful.

I imagine he thinks you’ll back down faces with moving out?

I heard this from XH. Why couldn’t I got to work and pay him maintenance? What if he wanted to open a bar somewhere sunny? Why was it him that had to be tied down to his (£150k) job to give ME money? Fucksake. I was a SAHM for a decade, as we had agreed. Together.

Ignore all this drivel. He will, I imagine, be desperate to not have to explain why you are splitting up.

I negotiated staying in the house until the youngest was 21. I wanted to give the older DCs time to be able to return after uni or whatever should they need to.

Find a solicitor you feel safe with. We did all our negotiations with a mediator, and agreed to keep our splitting up conversations for her office only. It helped the DCs a lot.

I wonder if it’s worth asking on here for recommendations for a solicitor?

Solicitor.

The rottweiler kind.

Preferably female!

If he refuses to move out, you say fine, the divorce and splitting of assets is going to have to be super quick and so I will be publicly divorcing you for using prostitutes - ideally I imagine you'd like this information kept from the children and wider family but if you've so little regard for them that you'd refuse to go and seriously expect me/us to move out so you don't have to, it's probably better that they do know you'd true nature.

And I have no intention of allowing my young adult daughter to live any longer with a middle aged man who thinks it's ok to buy young womens' bodies for sex and for her to look at that man as a role model.'

What @FizzyGreenWater said.

If he wont move out then you can tell his mother/sister the real reason you are asking him to move out.

I bet he would rather they didnt know

Agree with fizzy

Absolutely. You are not there to keep the secrets of someone that sounds like a total prick. And why not incentivise him to behave properly. Get proof though as they won't believe you and he will tell them you are bitter.

But FGS don't tell the children. That just hurts them and crosses a line. DO tell them he was unfaithful but no details.

Oh and if he's going to difficult it goes on the divorce papers. If he used an online service there will be online tracks (yes he's deleted his cookies etc but very easy to recover them) and poss even something on the card statement that looks innocuous.

I couldn't live with this OP. Not just because of the infidelity but because- although I get that there are some women who choose it , bodily autonomy etc etc - many prostitutes are trafficked/being coerced/in economic dire straights and I think I couldn't be with someone who could exploit another human being in that way...

How are you doing, Turkey? I've been thinbking of you - the whole situation is horribly unfair. He's disgusting for trying to pull the "look what you made me do" gaslighting over his actions.

Also, get tested for STDs

And many

I hope that you can find some peace, whatever you decide

Name changed for this, but wanted to add the perspective of someone who found out that my father repeatedly used/possibly still uses prostitutes. Won't go into details but I was 28 and found out in a distressing way, I'm 35 now and still feel really messed up by it, just today I've started therapy to try and unpick some of it and still found myself angry and upset talking about it. My mum stayed with him and a lot of it has been brushed under the carpet, apart from occasional overshares by my mum to me which I find really hard to deal with and wish she wouldn't tell me. The context is different because my mum stayed and we now act like it never happened, so I feel really alone in trying to process my anger and feelings about it all (especially as the only girl in a very male dominated family, it's really thrown a new light on my father's attitude towards women), but I would still say don't tell your kids. They don't need to deal with the burden of trying to get their heads round this.